How can I support my children when I get divorced?
Parental divorce can be very hard for the youngest members of the household. What to do?
Although the concept of "divorce" often has negative connotations, it is no less true that for many people this process is not particularly painful; in fact, it can be experienced as a liberation, depending on the circumstances (even if there is a relatively good relationship with the former partner).
However, although these cases are not the most common, even less frequent are the cases in which there are minor children involved and they do not have a hard time. In general, the little ones in the house tend to feel bad when this breakup becomes official and it is clear that they will not live with their parents in the same way as most children do.
That is why, if you are a parent who has gone through or is about to go through a divorce and want to give your children psychological support during this event, keep reading. Here we will review the key ideas to keep in mind.
How to support my children in the face of my divorce?
There is no way to totally protect our children from the psychological discomfort triggered by parental divorce; these kinds of feelings are part of their way of interpreting the world and your family, and trying to totally suppress any trace of emotional Pain is not only unrealistic, but also not very legitimate: it would mean totally controlling their mind.
What we can do as parents is to give them the necessary tools to assimilate give them the necessary tools to assimilate this event in the best way possible. and accept it in the best possible way, helping them to avoid self-sabotage and dysfunctional management of emotions.
In cases where children feel very bad about the divorce of mom and dad, the best thing to do is to turn to a psychologist. But in other cases, it may be enough to adopt certain parenting and communication strategies with them. Let's look at several of them below.
1. Explain what's going on by showing that you care how they feel.
For better or worse, their parents' divorce is a part of their life, so you need to act accordingly and explain what's going on.. This explanation does not have to be very detailed and should be adapted to the degree of understanding that he has according to his age, but it is important that it contains the basic information on how you will live from that moment and how is the treatment between his parents.
2. Make it clear that it is not their fault
Faced with their parents' divorce, many children believe that they are partly to blame. That is why it is important to reassure them and make them see that this is not the case, and even that it is not good to think in terms of guilt that they should "pay". it is not good to think in terms of guilt that they should "pay" for what they have done. for what has been done.
3. Show him/her that you are there for him/her, and that has not changed.
For many little ones, it is hard to see how for the first time their parents enter into an emotional crisis and feel sad and down for a season, something that can happen in the event of a divorce.
Even in situations like this, it is important that you let them know that they should not feel responsible for your well-beingand that you still have the role of a protective figure who gives them love and all the resources they need to move forward. In the same way, you can convey the message that even adults go through times of emotional discomfort, that this is completely normal, and that this does not imply that it is not possible to get out of these kinds of bumps.
4. If you have a troubled relationship with your ex, do not involve your child.
If you do not have a good relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife, it is important not to involve your child, it is important that you do not involve your son or daughter in this fight.. Without completely hiding the fact that the relationship is not characterized by mutual affection and understanding (doing so could generate frustration and disappointment), the ideal is that he/she is clear that the conflict is between the two of you, and that it is not a war in which to choose sides. Otherwise, you will be adding reasons for him to feel bad, seeing himself in a very complicated situation.
5. Propose the idea of attending psychotherapy.
It is good for you to suggest the possibility of seeing a psychologist even if she is sad, but in your opinion she is not having a bad enough time to seek professional help. It is possible that he is trying to repress his feelings pretending to be better than he is, and in these cases, giving him facilities to let himself be helped is the best thing to do.
Do you need professional psychological help?
If you are going through an emotional crisis related or not to the family environment, I invite you to contact me. I am a psychologist federated by FEAP with more than 20 years of experience helping people. I offer face-to-face sessions in my office in Seville and also online sessions by video call.
(Updated at Apr 14 / 2024)