Keys to managing the irrational behavior of others.

A practical guide to deal with people who act in an annoying way and avoid arguments.

Normally, when we want to change the annoying behavior of others we use punishment (hostility, bad manners...), but you should know that this is not the best way to get others to change.

Recently It has recently been proven that rewarding or reinforcing desired behaviors is much more effective than punishing the behaviors we want to eliminate.. That is why we should be happy and praise the other person every time he or she behaves in a desired way (or even when he or she comes close to it).

How to manage the irrational behavior of others?

But it is not enough to praise the other person when the other person approaches or achieves the desired behavior, eWe also need to use another technique in combination with this one. This technique is extinction, which consists of not responding or paying attention to the irrational behaviors of the other person. Therefore, in order to try to reduce or increase any behavior it is necessary to intersperse the reinforcement of desired behaviors and the use of extinction with the other person's undesirable behaviors.

It can be effective for us to selectively attend to or ignore what the other person communicates to us: for example, not to give any kind of response (not even non-verbal) to his or her unpleasant or offensive unfair expressions, and to respond with interest and kindness only to his or her reasonable or constructive expressions.

1. Disarming technique

When interacting with someone irrational it is sometimes necessary to show an empathic attitude, for this we will follow some steps:

First stepCurb the tendency to get angry yourself: In those moments you must take care of what you say to yourself. Think that even if the other person is very irrational, he has the right to say something stupid like the one he just said. And that this does not oblige you to get upset too, but that you can choose what you think and what you do... (if necessary count to a thousand to have a good disposition of dialogue).

Second stepTry to understand his point of view: Let him speak, listen to him and let him explain his point of view if he wants to. If you do not understand well the content of what he says, keep asking questions but ask them in an empathic way, asking for details and asking him if you have understood him well. Asking questions and asking for details helps to avoid making the mistake of "guessing what the other person is thinking" with the consequent risk of being wrong.

Third stepIn order to calm a very upset person, we should agree with them as much as possible: in everything, in part, in their right to see things that way, or that it is logical for them to be irritated, given their perception of things.

Fourth stepWhen she is calm, explain your point of view and try to find solutions to the problems. To be able to think of things to solve the problem created you have to be relaxed, then it is time to expose things as you see them (while remaining empathetic to their opinions and feelings), and when there is a real problem, so you can help and seek solutions to minimize the likelihood that this behavior is repeated in the future.

2. Ignore their anger

If you see the other person very angry and verbally aggressive with us, it is good to state that "just talk". it is good to state that "we will only talk to him/her when he/she calms down (or we calm down). we calm down)”. If the other person does not pay attention, we use the broken record, repeating it as many times as necessary, thus avoiding a chain of aggression and violence on both sides.

3. Time-out

It is a matter of We will talk to the other person another time, when you are (or we are) in a different we are) calmer" (with tone of voice and body language). (with a calm and firm tone of voice and body language) and go somewhere else, until your anger or that of the other person passes and you can talk calmly.

4. Separate the issues that create confusion

When our interlocutor tries to defend an irrational or manipulative attitude by intermingling issues that are irrelevant and can confuse us, it is useful to tell him/her that we do not want to intermingle issues that create confusion, it is useful to tell him/her that we do not want to mix things up.. For example, if they ask us to do a job that we do not want to do and mix that request with the fact that we are not good friends, we can tell them that our friendship is one thing, which we can appreciate in many ways, and the fact that we do the job they ask us to do is another.

5. Write down what you want to tell him

This way has the following advantages:

• We can order the argumentsWe can order the arguments, review them so that they are clearly expressed and highlight the ideas you consider most important, without the other person being able to interrupt us.

• It reduces the probability of ambiguities and misunderstandings (typical of language and misunderstandings (typical of non-verbal language).

• It helps us to avoid tense situationswhen we believe that the other person will react badly at first, but will later reflect and listen to reason.

This type of writing should have a positive tone, take the other person into account, be clear, and not be too long.

6. Defend yourself firmly if necessary

Being assertive also means that we have to defend ourselves firmly against people who may harm us.. This can involve anything from distancing ourselves from them or setting limits to demanding that our rights be respected.

To be firm without being aggressive you must follow the maxim of defending yourself using "kid gloves and fists of steel", that is to say, defend yourself firmly against them, but without getting more upset than is convenient, without losing your temper and without showing more harshness than is necessary to achieve your objectives.

All these examples should follow the following maxim: "No one will respect my rights if I do not do it myself".