Benching: false relationships maintained for the sake of convenience

This phenomenon is based on manipulation and feigning emotional ties where there are none.

New technologies are here to stayand allow us to interact with each other in ways never before imagined. We are, for better or worse, constantly connected. And we communicate constantly.

Yet we are in an increasingly individualistic and self-centered culture. Thus, many people use communication methods and social networks to satisfy their ego needs, sometimes generating toxic relationships in order to feel desired and maintain high self-esteem. An example of this is what happens in benchinga concept we talked about in this article.

What is benching?

Benching is defined as a situation in which a person maintains certain contact with another person, generally communicating with him or her in a brief and superficial manner, with the sole purpose of maintaining his/her interest in the other person, but without but without intending to obtain friendship or anything in particular beyond benefiting from him/her.

We are in front of a type of toxic relationship based on manipulation, in which one in which a subject uses another as if he/she were a supplement, leaving him/her on the "bench" in case nothing better comes out. This is not really valued, but it is intended with the maintenance of contact that the person who carries out this practice is not forgotten.

Thus, we are not dealing with a disappearance as in ghosting or slow fading, but with a maintained contact in which the person who is in expectation does not see the interaction with the other person disappear and remains in expectation, maintaining a certain level of hope of having a friendship or meaningful bond, which leads him/her to be attentive to the benching practitioner.

The mechanism of action is similar to what happens in addictions: the interaction with the person generates in the benching victim a feeling of well-being, which will diminish and tend to disappear with the lack of contact. However, the arrival of new communications, however banal and lacking in content they may be, reawaken the desire for affection and authentic affective bonds.. The person in question makes some comment or interaction with the purpose of feeding this desire: it is very common, for example, to make compliments about the other person) and make the other person remain attentive. In many cases this is achieved over a long period of time.

In what contexts does it occur?

Benching is especially visible in the context of couple relationships.Nowadays it is very visible in dating apps or even through WhatsApp. But as with ghosting, this is not something really new: it is possible to do the same thing over the phone or even face to face.

But the couple is not the only context in which similar attitudes can appear: we can also find them present in friendship relationships one party being used by the other only as a wild card, without really valuing the person himself.

Causes of this phenomenon

Why does benching happen? Several authors propose that part of its causes are due to the society we live in, in which there is more and more individuality and egocentrism and superficial contacts to which we give little or no value. The other is often used as an object or something from which we can benefit, or with which we can be satisfied if nothing else comes to us.

On a personal level, those who engage in this practice tend to exhibit a high level of narcissism and enjoy having other people pay attention to them.. They are usually people with a certain level of egocentrism and sometimes narcissism. It is not necessary that they have something with another person: what moves the person who carries out the benching in these cases is the fact of feeling desired. On the other hand, it can also be used by people with low self-esteem who depend on the approval of others to feel good.

It is also frequent that there is no empathy with the other and what he/she may be feeling, or that there is fear of being alone and they resort to maintain this type of relationship in case they do not find anything else. Another option could be found in the existence of multiple relationships of the same type at the same time, in case the preferred subject with whom one really wants to communicate does not respond. Finally, although much less common, it is possible that some people may do it involuntarily and may try to show more appropriate behaviors.

Consequences on the affected person

Neither with you nor without you. This is probably the phrase that best describes what happens in benching to the person who suffers from it. On the one hand, the person he/she is interested in is communicating, not being able to forget him/her. On the other, he or she is being largely ignored and we may or may not be aware of the other's lack of interest in us..

The consequence of this is the emergence of a certain confusion, uncertainty and progressive disillusionment. It is not uncommon for self-esteem to diminish (after all, the other person does not consider us as important). (after all, the other person does not consider us as important) and the feeling of being used or of being a consolation prize is born. On the other hand, it also favors dependent relationships that generate a high level of suffering, as well as the emergence of subsequent relational difficulties.

What to do if we are the affected party?

Knowing what to do in this situation can be complicated. The first step is to accept and assume that if the prolonged contact follows the same pattern of behavior, whatever the reason, we are suffering from benching. In this case the most advisable thing to do is to cut off contact with that person.The other person will not be willing to do so.

It would not be unusual that after stopping sending messages, the subject who carried out the benching starts to show a much greater interest, due to the need to be admired. the need to be admired by the subject. In general, the only thing that is sought is to keep the other person hooked, something to be avoided. Before breaking off the relationship, it is recommended to talk about the facts (if the other person is not aware, he/she may try to change, although this is usually done on a completely voluntary basis) and to state them clearly, as well as to communicate the termination of the relationship clearly.