The 5 love languages: which one is yours?

We talk about the languages in which love is expressed.

A friend tells you that she is going to end her relationship because her partner "doesn't treat her the way he should". It's about that friend of yours whose partner keeps taking her on trips even though she earns very little money. You die of envy of the photos they upload on their facebook, because you love to travel; with your boyfriend you haven't even been to the Alhambra in Granada. 

Your friend, however, is dying of envy of your relationship, since your boyfriend is a hopeless romantic, and according to you: "a cloying who talks a lot but does little"; from what you translate, that he will not love you so much.

The 5 love languages

Often, in the private sphere, we people talk about the discuss the various problems that we experience as a couple.. Some problems are more noticeable (such as discussions in decision making, unshared individual hobbies, etc.) than others, which go more unnoticed. This is the case of the type of problem that we are going to expose below.

The 5 love languages: modal preferences for showing and receiving love

According to Chapman (2009), there are 5 love languages. These can be very important for the relationship to improve substantially, not only as a couple, but also between friends, partners or family. Chapman emphasizes that each person tends to express their love and prefers to receive it in specific ways. It is interesting to know what are the types of love that exist. You can consult it in:

"Types of love: what different kinds of love exist?"

Below we explain the five modalities or languages of love:

1. Words

We express love by verbalizing words of encouragement, support, affection, congratulations, praise, kindness, or humility towards another. These are words that are sometimes said without thinking and cause a very positive effect on the other person; increasing their self-esteem, security, and well-being. "Almost all of us remember fleeting words that (...) marked our lives".

It is recommended to use direct, simple and forceful phrases: "I love you very much, I really do"; "I love it when you explain things so well". But above all, it is important that it is credible for the person who receives it and for this it is indispensable that the person who transmits it really feels it (corporal expression, adequate context).

Quality time

We live in a society of haste which, together with the false needs created by the market (to have the best car, trip, house, etc.) makes us forget what really means the quality time. Sharing quality time is not so much the act (a good dinner in an expensive restaurant), but the enjoyment of it by sharing it with our loved ones; listening and being listened to, without rushing or other distractions. There is no other goal for the person than to share that time with the person they love.

3. Gifts

The meaning of the gift seems to have lost value in a consumerist society: "The more gifts and the more expensive the better", it tells us, regardless of their need or usefulness. But many of you will agree that there are gifts that express a lot of love and affection for being elaborated by the person him/herself or bought with effort.

Therefore, for some people this type of gift symbolizes a very nice expression of love; the one who gives the gift has been making an effort and thinking about it for a long time. On the other hand, the one who is working on making or obtaining that gift, enjoys it from the moment he has the idea, until after he has given the gift to the other, without waiting for anything more than their smile..

4. Acts of service

Trying to please the person serving or doing favors for them some people find it rewarding. Cooking, cleaning, fixing things, taking care of the heaviest chores or traveling to distant places, are acts that they perform meticulously and with a smile on their face, without expecting you to return the favor or an immediate compensatory response. "It is neither a necessity nor an obligation, but something that is done generously to help the other."

5. Physical contact

This is the simplest and most direct form of communication.. Hugging, kissing, caressing, touching, sexual intercourse; these are ways of transmitting and receiving love from the partner. For some people physical contact is their main language, they feel security and happiness through it; and without it they do not feel loved. "It can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love."

Sharing the way to love

It is common for couples to come to consultation verbalizing that they do not receive signs of love from each other (Punset, 2010). Knowing, identifying and sharing the different ways of loving is a great help. is a great help; it gives us a plus for communication as a couple. Obviously, there are multiple strategies and tasks to improve relationships, since the field of Couples Therapy is very broad. The 5 love languages is one of them. Once visualized they may seem obvious, but if we think for a moment, we rarely tell the other person which one we prefer. Nobody is a fortune teller, and ignoring that the other person knows it, is a very frequent mistake between couples.

Each person has preferences for manifesting one or several types of languages that may or may not coincide with the preference of reception. If we are not shown love through our preferred language, it is possible that we do not feel loved (Punset; 2010). Thus, in order to make these concepts useful, I propose you to meditate on them and discuss them with your partner, friends, colleagues or family (as it can also be a useful tool for our close ones):

Finally, reflect that every healthy person has the capacity to express the five types of love. five types of loveand that to a greater or lesser extent we all or almost all of us express them. Elsa Punset (2010) defends in her book that: "if we accustom our children to give and receive love in all languages, tomorrow they will be able to communicate freely in all of them".

• Identify them in ourselvesWhat is the way I prefer to receive love? And what is the way I prefer or usually express affection? It may be difficult to answer these questions, as well as to identify only one (it can be two). To do this, we must remember the intensity and duration of the emotion we feel when we receive the different tokens of affection, and the ease or frequency with which we perform them.
• Share themOnce identified it will be useful at the moment that you expose them to your partner; if he/she has any doubt at the moment you solve it (the more you specify the better, remember that nothing should be taken for obvious); and that the other party, also exposes to you his/her preferences.
• Put them into practice. This section seems easy, however, it can go wrong. So you have to be patient. Each person develops in a context and gets used to it (families where hugging is a daily ritual vs. families where the components never hug). What we see as normal, is not so normal for others and changing habits sometimes costs a lot. Therefore, we must be patient during the change; positively reinforce the effort of the other person when he/she performs the desired act; and if he/she ignores it or does not perform it as we wish, explain it again (in a different way, through examples, etc.).
Bibliographical references:
• • Chapman, G. (2009). The five love languages. LifeWay English.
  • Punset, E. (2010). Compass for emotional navigators.. Aguilar.