The decadence of values in our society.

A reflection on the psychological dynamics behind what is often seen as a crisis of values.

Every middle-aged adult in our society has a slight, or not so slight, perception of the existence of a loss of values, of a social change, of a decline in the way we relate to and treat each other, in the way we work in society or perceive reality.

When I ask my patients what they understand by values, few find a direct relationship between these values and their state of discomfort or psychological conflict.. But in reality there are many who really suffer from this clash between their beliefs and the new reality in our society, which is not so new by a long shot.

How do values influence us?

We define values as qualities or principles that could describe part of our personality. Patterns that we consider something favorable or positive, to relate to others. Actions that derive from these qualities, tasks with which we have to comply in order to feel concordance between what we do and what we feel we should be.

By new reality we mean the fact that there has been a paradigm shift. We were taught that in order for there to be a healthy coexistence and for us to feel happy, we had to respect certain rules.. Those rules have changed. And we feel, in principle, that now everything is more comfortable and easier.

But... is it really like that?

Many of the people who come to see me feel, as is to be expected, emptiness, unhappiness, dissatisfaction or loneliness. And they don't know why. They don't know what is wrong, what is missing in their lives. What is the absence, what is it that they do not know when or how they have lost.

Many of us have come to feel this perception almost unconsciously at a given moment. A holiday, a Saturday night, on vacation, at work, when we think about our past, present and future relationships....

We already glimpse part of the problem, don't we? That's right, the difference between the expectations we've been creating for ourselves about what things should be and the reality of what they really are.

Discomfort in the face of unrealistic expectations

When we stay at home on a Saturday night and we think we should be giving it all away and posting photos on social networks; when our summer vacation arrives and we have no boat to sail on, no apartment on the beachfront, no reservation in a five-star hotel in an exotic destination? we feel a spontaneous and incomprehensible discomfort..

The same thing happens to us in our life as a couple. If we have one, we believe that our life should be better than it is. Maybe more sex, or more adventure, or more romance. Or we envy the single person who is not tied to a routine. If we don't have one, we envy the person who has a partner, imagining that they live much happier lives than we do.

Everything makes sense when we rationalize these emotionsWe stop, think and see how we have created those expectations.

A loop of unsatisfied desires and needs.

Social networks have become the most consumed product nowadays. In them we see images of laughter, glamour, fun, unattainable destinations and ideal couples, who often are neither ideal nor a couple. The capitalist and consumerist society with its advertising motivates us, through the individualism it sells us, to consume.

To consume in order to be better than others, to be different.. It is the trap of dissatisfaction that forces us to continue buying and consuming. The one that proposes unattainable and unrealistic goals of social status and beauty. So that we pursue them in an endless race.

The pornography and hypersexualization we receive on a daily basis makes any kind of sexual relationship within our reach seem too bland or routine. We find sex, if not wild and passionate, a bland and disappointing practice.

We have accepted junk TV and the internet as hyper reality over reality, and there seems to be nothing interesting outside of mobile phones.and it seems that outside of the cell phone there is nothing interesting anymore. That it is no longer worthwhile to raise our heads and relate to everything around us.

Today everything can be financed, so we consume, consume and consume. We will pay later. We have forgotten what waiting, consideration for others, tolerance of frustration are. We have forgotten that sometimes things do not turn out as we expect. And that this is not a drama. That's why, when our desires are not fulfilled, we feel so bad.

We are eaten up by the feeling of dissatisfaction, of unpopularity, of devaluation of ourselves, of incomprehensible emptiness, of incomprehensible emptiness.of incomprehensible emptiness, of not taking advantage of our time as we should. And we cannot and do not want to live this discomfort alone, so we unload it on those around us.

Our unconscious has internalized very harmful messages. For example: striving to achieve anything is torture. If something bad happens or goes wrong, it's a drama. Nothing is our responsibility. Things should always be positive. Our expectations should be fulfilled just because.

Effort, patience, perseverance, humility, gratitude, kindness, sincerity, responsibility... have become virtues, almost old-fashioned divine acts.

• You may be interested in, "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

Can anything be done about it?

But I have good news. It is possible to change this situation. It can be achieved, through self-esteem and personal growth.. But it is not easy.

We have to believe that what we do has value. We have to learn to identify those irrational ideas that limit us and plunge us into anxiety and sadness. We have to start being aware that things are not as we have been told.

We have to assume that reality is built by us through what we do.. And we have to understand that reality counts the same if we don't share it in networks. Even more.

If you have felt that this article represents you, do not hesitate to consult a psychology professional. Undoing those mental knots and recovering the happiness you deserve is easier than you think.