Childhood sexual abuse: blind caregivers.

A reflection on the problems associated with the lack of protection of abused children.

In this second installment of the planned series on child abuse in childhood, we will focus on one of the most painful aspects for the victim, the blindness of the persons responsible for the attention and care of the child..

This fact, above any other consideration, defines as none other the feeling of loneliness, "fog" and helplessness of the abused child, especially when the "blind" caregiver is none other than the mother or, in her case, the father.

Indeed, in our daily experience in therapy, the phrase of the type: "almost more than the abuse itself, the most terrible thing, what hurt the most was that my mother, above all, did not see it, or if she saw it, she did nothing". Even if the child has the courage and strength to tell about it, often meets with disbelief on the part of the close caregiver.. "What broke me at all is that mom didn't believe me. She couldn't understand it."

The situations of unprotection in the face of child sexual abuse.

The impact on the child, innocent victims of an aggression sometimes incomprehensible to them, in the face of the indifference of the closest figures affectively speaking, is as it is well known devastating, and will be the object of a later reflection.

On this occasion we want to focus mainly on the attachment figure, especially the mother. In most cases, mothers are not even aware of what is happening.Because if they have not suffered a traumatic experience of this kind, the thought that their husband, uncle, the trusted caregiver in whom they have placed the safety of their son or daughter, or in their case the priest who guides them spiritually, is doing something bad to their children does not enter their minds. As I sometimes say to mothers, "that possibility was not in your brain's control panel".

It is also true that sometimes we encounter absent mothers, who do not pay enough attention to the sometimes significant behavioral and psychological changes that occur in their children. This emotional neglect by omission is also frequent..

But, in our experience, even more frequent is the fact that many mothers literally cannot accept this reality and prefer to look the other way.

The victim may even be threatened to deny the facts rather than face the reality that is taking place, since the glimpse of both the preference for the daughter and her passive role in the abuse cannot be digested, and defenses of denial, minimization or idealization are set in motion..

At other times the mother is preconscious of what is happening in the home, but chooses silence simply out of fear. Whether it is direct fear, because she has also been abused or violated by the aggressor, or indirect, because she has an economic, emotional or any other type of dependency, which makes it impossible for her to protect herself and others. There are also cases, perhaps less frequent, but not negligible in number, where the relationship with the aggressor is prioritized. the relationship with the abuser, social status and family subsistence are prioritized..

It is curious, but this last type of omission, although it occurs in all types of social strata, abounds especially in the wealthiest class, where the family institution is an untouchable and immovable bastion. Actually, this phenomenon of the family, recognized by all as the basic institution on which our entire social fabric is based, acts as a deterrent when it comes to becoming aware of a fact that calls the institution into question. This is the slab that weighs on the victim, the lid of his coffin and the cause that explains many of the negligence by omission described above.

However, this article does not want to and should not fall into the easy temptation of blaming mothers for what has happened to their children. This simplistic, blame-game view has been common in the specialized literature over the years, especially in the literature over the years, especially if the abuse has been committed by the male parent. Thus Cartes, Gavey, Florence, Pezaro & Tan, Shonberg, Womack, Miller, Lassiter... abound in the role of the mother as accomplice, knowledgeable, negligent and even facilitator of the abuse.

This vision has also been transferred to clinical practice in psychotherapy with victims of child abuse; It stems from the social expectation of a perfect mother, capable of protecting her children from any danger, harm or suffering and, in the last instance, from the abuse of her children.The mother is the figure with the greatest influence on everything that happens in the family and is solely responsible for the well-being and safety of the children.

Two approaches

Caroline Sinclair and Josefina Martinez, in their precious work: "Guilt or responsibility; therapy of mothers of children who have suffered sexual abuse", distinguish between two approaches to dealing with mothers of abused children: blame approach and responsibility approach.

The blame approach emphasizes the deficits, emphasizes the mother's role in the occurrence of the abuse, which in a way implies a judgment of the person and ends up paralyzing a fundamental resource for therapy. This approach will provoke a resistant and defensive attitude in the mother, which will not help at all in the therapeutic process.

In Vitaliza we lean and act from the approach of responsibilitywhich emphasizes competencies rather than deficits, and emphasizes the mother's role in the repair. This implies analyzing concrete actions, not easy and generalist visions, which activates resources and favors the association and reunion of the victim with the mother, with all the benefits this brings to the process of reprocessing and healing.

Without going into simplistic assessments, as we have stated above, most of the time the mother is still a vicarious victim of the abuse of her children, and although her non-action has a devastating impact on the loneliness of the victim, her person is not a figure to blame but to integrate within the psychotherapeutic accompaniment of the victim.

Author: Javier Elcarte, psychologist specialized in trauma. Founder and director of Vitaliza.