I am ashamed of my partner: why does it happen to me and what can I do?

Tips and recommendations for relationships damaged by shame.

Life as a couple is not always a bed of roses. The normal thing is to date someone to whom we see more good things than bad, although it is a matter of time before we become a little more objective and cannot stop noticing certain negative aspects that, although ignorable, are there.

Sometimes this reaches such levels that there comes a time when we are embarrassed to go out with that person, even though we love them and want to continue the relationship.

It may be that people who say to themselves "I'm ashamed of my partner" may be very worried, thinking that they are are very worried, thinking that they are shallow and bad people to be able to think this. However, there may be an explanation and, also, there are some solutions. Let's see how.

I am ashamed of my partner

We cannot choose who we fall in love with, because love is beyond our control. More often than not, we fall in love with someone who has little to do with how we are or how our group of friends and family are. Objectively, we may not think he or she is handsome, stylish, has a job that does not meet our expectations, and has somewhat eccentric personality traits and unrefined actions. But, despite all these "problems," we still like him.

No one dates someone they completely dislike. When we are in love we are able to see the many qualities that person has, but we also notice little things that we are afraid of being the subject of ridicule. we are afraid that they will be mocked or criticized by our friends or family.. There are things about our partner that provoke a certain rejection. Yes, you could say that we are ashamed of our partner.

Most of the time, the problem is not with him or her, but rather with how we perceive our partner and what we think others will think of our partner. The main issue behind feeling ashamed of our partner is not that he or she has a lot of negative things or that our environment is critical of our relationships, but that we, as individuals, perceive as more threatening and important what others think of everything we do and don't do. We overestimate how bad we think others will see us and, as well, our partners..

We should not care what others think of our partner because the important thing is that we are comfortable with him or her. If that man or woman makes us laugh, understands us and satisfies us in intimacy, what others think is irrelevant. Besides, feeling ashamed of him or her when we are with other people can make us seem superficial. When there is love, little else matters.

But, in all fairness, it's not all that simple. Regardless of whether or not this is superficial, if we feel uncomfortable about his or her physique, behavior or feel that our partner doesn't fit in very well with our social life, there is a problem that should be addressed.

While the important thing is that he/she respects us, the important thing is that he/she the important thing is that he/she respects and supports us, and that he/she is a good person.and that he/she is a good person, if he/she does not fit in with our friends and family, and even causes dramas and scandals when we are with our acquaintances, it is obvious that the relationship is going to go wrong.

The function of shame

Shame is a very human emotion and, like the others, it has an evolutionary function. Feeling ashamed is a social reaction that acts as an alarm signal that tries to protect us from being excluded from our social reference group. In this sense, shame can be considered a survival reaction, since outside the group, without receiving its support and protection, it would be very difficult for us to survive.

Speaking of feeling ashamed of our partner, we can take the opportunity to talk about the so-called the so-called "vicarious reflexive effect".. This effect consists in believing that others pay much more attention to us and our actions than they actually do. But let's not worry because, although it may seem paranoia, it is totally normal to feel that others notice what we do or do not do, another thing is that this is real. It is simply one of the many psychological phenomena that influence our social perception.

Taking this into account, it is logical to think that this phenomenon also occurs when we go with our partner in public, especially with people whose opinion and attitudes towards us are very important to us, such as friends and relatives. It is normal to feel some embarrassment and fear for what they will think of our partner, because now that we are with someone else, their actions will be more important to us. now that we are with someone else, their actions will become our actions.. Meaningful relationships are incorporated into our "I", becoming a "we".

In a positive sense, traits in our partner that we perceive as positive can raise our self-esteem. However, if we perceive his or her behavior as socially inappropriate, we will feel that people will think that his or her way of being is also our way of being, because as we have commented here there is a "we". Couples are not perceived as two individuals, but as a whole. What one of the members of the relationship says and does is also associated and attributed to the other, even if that other has not done anything.

I am ashamed of my partner's social image

We may feel embarrassed by the social image we perceive of our partner. This can happen when, after some time dating and having exhausted the stage of infatuation, we begin to perceive our partner in a more "objective" light and that his or her way of being in public does not quite convince us.

If this is the situation, you should ask yourself what you really want. If it happens that your partner is one way, perhaps there are certain aspects of his or her life that you don't like, just as he or she doesn't have to like absolutely everything about you.

However, we cannot subject our partner to changes that are beyond his or her means and, of course, his or her will. and, of course, of his or her will. We cannot change someone for who he or she is not, nor force him or her to do so.

Why wasn't I ashamed before?

One of the main reasons why we feel ashamed of our partner now and not before is that people change.eople change. It's as simple as that.

What used to be fun for us when we went out with him or her is now boring or even childish, like partying or playing practical jokes. This is especially so when you have been in the relationship for many years, have children and, at the very least, one of the two parties has matured, seeing the other as a person who is still in a more youthful stage of his or her life.

It may also happen that we have changed our social circle, one in which our partner's behavior has become decontextualized and we are not sure if it will be well received. Many times, that which started out as being attractive to our partner ends up becoming annoying with repetition, the passage of time and, over timeThe time goes by and, above all, when that action becomes decontextualized.

My partner keeps doing what I have told him/her that I am ashamed to do.

We may be aware of what it is about our partner that embarrasses us. Not only that, but we have also let him/her know, perhaps a little rudely.

It is possible that what we do not like about our partner does not seem so bad to him/her and that he/she does not do it on purpose, but rather as a habit, something that he/she has learned unconsciously and without the intention of bothering anyone. If he had known from the beginning that we do not like the way he behaves or the way he does things, he would most likely have prevented it from becoming a habit.

Now we are faced with the problem that it is something that is so internalized and automated that it will be very difficult to get rid of the habit that bothers us so much. that bothers us so much. And since he has already been doing it for a while, if we tell him right now that it bothers us, he will interpret it as if we have been insincere or that we are exaggerating.

The change will be difficult, especially if we have told him in a bad way and not explained why we are embarrassed by what he says or does. Responding with a simple "that's wrong" or "I'm ashamed" does not make things clearer.. If we have done it from criticism, scolding and prohibition of behavior, we will get just the opposite effect: that our partner does what causes us embarrassment more often. He/she feels threatened his/her freedom to act as he/she wants.

What to do?

As we have commented, feeling ashamed has a lot to do with how we ourselves perceive what is going on around us rather than how things really are.. When we feel ashamed of our partner, most of the time it is because we believe that others judge us negatively for something he or she does, not because what he or she does or says is necessarily bad, nor because it really matters to others.

However, if there really is something in their behavior or their way of being that we consider to be harmful to us and a real problem, it is legitimate to tell them and try to get them to change it. However, we must tell him/her in an assertive way and with an appropriate tone because no person receives as something positive to know that his/her partner is ashamed of him/her.

The subject should be discussed without criticizing, without nagging and never during the moment in which he/she has done or said something that has bothered us. It is better to talk about it later, when we are all calmer. There is no point in bringing it up at the time of the event because you will hardly have a chance to do anything about it.

Let him/her know that you are not comfortable with what he/she has done or said, but avoid at all costs reproaching him/her with offensive and harsh words. It is not a good idea to say things like "that was very bad", "you're vulgar", "that was silly"....

The last thing you need right now is for your partner to get defensive, feeling attacked by your harsh and acidic comments.feeling attacked by listening to your acidic and harsh comments. The minute he feels attacked, he will stop listening to you because he will be more concerned about how to articulate his defense and then attack you by telling you what he is ashamed of about the way you are.

You should discuss how you think this behavior could affect both of you. If it turns out that it only affects you, then the main problem is that it is something that bothers you.and the solution probably lies with you rather than with the other person.