The transformation of the couple after parenthood

The arrival of the baby at home transforms family and couple dynamics and it is necessary to adapt.

A new integrative approach to the changes that occur in couples after the first months of the baby's arrival at home the first months of the baby's arrival at home.. A vision of the society that parents and grandparents have to live in. The interrelationship between them and the demands that today's life requires and that function as demands to which it is difficult to respond. A way of thinking about what happens to us internally, beyond what has already been said. They are some of the ideas that briefly are developed in this article.

The psychological impact of the arrival of the baby

We are no longer what we were and that is difficult to assume, our anxieties, work pressures, trying to do things right, as others say, are some of the issues that today's parents must face without prejudice, blame or stereotyped models. The invitation is to to find one's own model, the one that suits the family and its uniqueness..

Much has been said about the happiness produced by the arrival of a baby, but also about the psychological and physical changes of the puerperium, the change in the maternal body and the new reconnection of both parents with it. A body crossed by psychological motherhood and biology.

Generational differences

But What about the transformation in the couple, especially in the most prolific generation of these times?those who today are in their thirties and a little more. The generation that decided to face the family project when they were closer to forty years old. A generation that traveled, had fun, studied and worked without worrying about anything but themselves. A generation that rightfully decided to enjoy life, something that was also encouraged by their own parents, who knew how good it was to live those experiences but who had to wait for their children to grow up to be able to fulfill that desire, as the times dictated.

Today a contradiction arises between these two generations that coexist at the same time.. Of course, enjoying life without obligations is fine, but like everything else, it has its consequences, and today they are facing a reality they had not ventured. A reality for which they have no model, precisely because of the speed at which paradigm shifts are generated.

What happens to these parents who have been together for a long time, who know each other's tastes and have a dynamic that works, at least until today?

Much has changed since the times of those who today are or will be grandparents, where although the changes described in the puerperium were visible, society took for granted that the internal transitional change in the couple was a matter of course. Today the older generation does not understand how their grandchildren are traveling babies or can accompany their parents to work.

A global change

Everything changes and you have to adapt to the times, and so the world evolves. But the arrival of the baby is not only the puerperal changes, but also a change of life.. Whatever one's idea of parenting and parenting may be, the biggest change that is observed and underestimated is the change in life, which is not just about infant care or bedtime difficulties or going back to work.

It is about the change in the identity of the coupleIt is a more profound change, where these young people cease to be, in the sense of being identical to who they were, travelers or those who accepted all invitations from friends. Today they find themselves surprised, beginning to question who will go to the reunion: the three of them, or just one? Or how they are going to face those outings that not so long ago were usual for them and for which they did not need any kind of preparation.

Today what changes is that couple to become a family, where both will make the decisions or will have to fight with the baby for their place (and there will be more than one boy or girl in the house). The question is whether they will be able to rearrange themselves as parents and a baby, or will one be the father or mother of two?.

Many times you hear the mother taking this place and then complaining about doing it. This arises from not having had the appropriate discussion about how they will handle boundaries, outings, family outings, or where the baby will sleep. This results in psychic pains that can be solved by clarifying those anonymous and pending issues.

Everything starts to become entangled, problems are seen where there are none or problems different from those that exist. One hears the difficulty to resume sexual relations or the lack of desire for one or both parents in front of the arrival of the baby but in reality it is all these problems that are diluted under the surface, as if it were a cliché in which if there is a postpartum period, the problems are the known ones.

Putting the focus on the particular

Reducing human feelings, especially in times of crisis and much more in those involving identity, is a reductionism in which it is not good to fall into. We are much more than mere statistics and each couple will live it as they want or as they can. But looking a little below the surface, with an integrating and less stereotyped look, can give us a quicker and more satisfactory way out of these inconveniences, so that they remain a learning and a useful tool for the couple's readjustment, as there will be many others. This is growth and wellbeing as far as mental health is concerned.

I believe that it is convenient to leave aside the massive to take care of each one, of each each individual in his or her uniquenessThe word gives a sense of exclusivity, because that is what we are, unique beings with different realities, even though the stage of life we are going through may seem the same.

In no way I say it will be easy, since the change in how we saw ourselves, the transformation that implies how we want to see ourselves as parents or how we will be encouraged to see ourselves in this new stage, certainly takes a lot of work. Of accommodation of roles, of clarification of rules, of reconsideration of points of view and priorities agreed together between both parents, exercising the essential of parenthood, which is to carry together the upbringing and the psychic, physical and spiritual construction of that human being who is waiting for the best act of love on your part, which could well be one of them, teaching him to manage the changes, an irreplaceable good, given by the hand of his parents, a good that will undoubtedly be valued in the future.