What are the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction?

A summary of the differences between these two concepts studied by sexology.

Sex is enjoyed by many, but it is also a largely unknown world. There are many concepts that are confused or that raise more doubts than anything else.

Today we are going to clarify two concepts of the field very heard and also very little understood, in addition to relate and exemplify it with the sexual reality of various groups. Let's see what the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction areseen in a summarized way.

Main differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction

Before going into more detail about sexual desire and sexual attraction, it becomes necessary to talk a little about two concepts that we will use a lot throughout this article.

The first is sexual orientation, with which we refer to where our sexual attraction is directed, that is, which gender or genders we like, or if we do not like any. We have heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals, although, as everything in this world, the existence of other sexualities is raised depending on the data that are obtained.

What must be understood is that there are no sexual orientations for absolutely everything. The fact that we like intelligent people (popularly called sapiosexuality), that we like blond women or that we like tattooed men are not sexual orientations. In all these cases we would be talking about preferences towards one or a set of characteristics in particular, rather called philias, although we should not fall into the error of putting all philias in the same bag as pedophilia, necrophilia and other pathological tendencies.

Gender expression is a set of behaviors, traditionally related to what is understood in society as being "masculine" or "feminine". It is the way in which we conform to what is understood as being a man or woman in its most stereotypical sense.

What is sexual attraction?

We say that we feel sexual attraction to someone when that person, in the colloquial sense, "turns us on". That is to say, feeling sexual attraction towards someone implies that this person has certain characteristics that awaken some kind of sexual interest in us.

This attraction is always directed to someone in particular, and it is not possible to control it at will.. Thus, whether we are sexually attracted to someone or not at all is something we cannot control, nor can we increase or decrease it.

What is sexual desire?

Sexual desire can be understood as the desire to have sex. In this case, when we speak of "sex" we must understand it in its broadest sense, including all sexual practices, both with other people, such as sexual intercourse, and individually, such as masturbation.

How to distinguish between the two

Although it is true that sexual attraction and sexual desire go hand in hand, each has its place in every healthy relationship. Sexual attraction is not always accompanied by sexual desire, and sexual desire can appear without the need for sexual attraction.

Sexual desire is something that is not always present and does not necessarily occur in the presence of something that attracts us sexually.. That is, if we are in front of someone who happens to be of our preferred gender (e.g., straight man in front of woman) it does not necessarily arouse sexual desire immediately. We may even be with our boyfriend or girlfriend, with whom we feel sexual attraction, but at this moment we do not feel sexual desire, he or she has not awakened it in us.

Sexual desire can be modified, unlike sexual attraction and, as we have discussed with the case of masturbation, it does not have to be directed towards someone in particular (it can be impersonal). This is easily understandable with the case of cis men (or trans women who keep their penis) upon awakening. It is common for the penis to be erect and it is during the morning that one is more likely to end up masturbating, without anyone having awakened the sexual desire.

Since sexual desire is modifiable, it is possible to work on itIt is possible to work on it, both in the context of therapy and on one's own. For example, we may not feel sexual desire at this very moment, but if we start looking for pornography, perhaps the desire for sex will awaken. It can also happen the other way around, that we are feeling a very strong sexual desire and it is not convenient for us to express it now. To reduce it, we try to imagine things that "cool it down" (e.g., thinking about people of the gender we do not prefer, thinking about our grandmother, watching a video of something very unpleasant...).

Sexual attraction cannot be modified, despite the fact that this idea has been (and still is) quite widespread in the general culture. It is possible to think that, throughout our life, our sexual attraction to others may change (e.g., we start to "turn on" to someone we did not like before), however, this does not imply an absolute modification in our sexual attraction, but rather that it fluctuates.

This fluctuation of sexual attraction is involuntary.. Whether it changes over time depends on many factors, such as learning new information about the person we are now attracted to, becoming accustomed to their company, or a change in our tastes that has made us notice that particular person. The other, quite different, is the idea that we can change these changes at will, that is, make us suddenly sexually attracted to someone.

To better understand all this, let us imagine a person who is being unfaithful to his or her partner and who goes to a consultation to treat this problem. The therapist will not be able to reduce the individual's sexual attraction to his or her lover.The therapist will not be able to reduce the individual's sexual attraction to his mistress, but he will be able to teach him ways to reduce his sexual desire for that woman and to avoid straying from the marriage covenant with his spouse. The sexual attraction to the mistress will not disappear, but he/she will be able to acquire the appropriate techniques of impulse control to avoid committing infidelity.

Conversion therapy

Understanding the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction, we can understand why conversion therapy, a pseudotherapy without any efficacy and that generates more harm than good, does not work.

Until not so long ago, homosexuality and, practically, any sexual orientation other than heterosexual, was considered a serious deviation, in many cases a mental illness.in many cases a mental illness. Being attracted to people of the same gender was seen as a problem, and like any "problem", possible solutions were sought, with conversion therapy being the proposed solution.

In this "therapy" the problem of being sexually attracted to people of the same gender was addressed.. However, as we have already mentioned, sexual attraction is not voluntarily modifiable, unlike sexual desire.

You cannot magically turn a person from homosexual to heterosexual, and in fact, the APA itself has reiterated this in several statements: there is no scientifically proven treatment that can change sexual orientation and attraction, nor is it recommended to undergo any.

Since it is not possible to change sexual attraction, the "therapists" focused on preventing the person from engaging in homosexual behavior. To do this, they produced aversion to people of the same gender, by means of various techniques of dubious ethics.

That is, when he was in a situation in which he saw people of the same gender, who attracted him sexually, instead of arousing sexual desire, he would be sexually attracted to them, instead of arousing sexual desire, a deep discomfort was awakened in him.. This meant that instead of having sex with other men or women (depending on the gender), he avoided it.

As a result, the person showed avoidance of what he liked before, a dysfunctional way of coping with his new reality. This avoidance would be comparable to that carried out by people who are afraid of heights, who avoid leaning out of balconies or taking airplanes, or who are afraid of cockroaches and cannot see any without having an attack.

In short, far from "curing" themselves, they were inoculated with a fear, as John B. Watson inoculated little Albert in 1920. Moreover, people who were subjected to this type of treatment were more likely to suffer from depression and had suicidal ideation. and presented suicidal ideation.

The case of asexuality

To finish understanding the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction, we can highlight the case of asexuality. In short, asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction to others, both men and women or other gender realities.

Asexual people can fall in love, that is, they can feel romantic attraction, and they can also have sexual relations since they feel sexual desire. In case they decide to have sexual relations there is nothing, neither physical nor psychological, that prevents them from enjoying their own sexuality.. They can masturbate as much as they want and have sexual fantasies in general.

All of this may come as a surprise given that, as we have discussed in their definition, asexual people have no sexual attraction. Not having sexual attraction does not mean that they cannot enjoy sex. They may not feel sexual attraction to a man, woman or non-binary person but, if they have the opportunity to have a sexual relationship, they have no reason to reject it.

Be that as it may, it should be understood that the absence of sexual attraction towards other people is not a psychological disorder that should be treated as a that should be treated as a problem of lack of sexual desire. Just because we are not sexually attracted to anyone does not mean that we are dead inside or that we have not explored our sexuality sufficiently. In the same way that there are heteros, homosexuals and bis there are also asexual people and, given that the world of sexology is a constantly changing science, constantly finding new information, who are we to presuppose what is normal and what is not?

Bibliographical references:

• Carreño, M. (1991). Psychosocial aspects of love relationships. Faculty of Psychology. University of Santiago de Compostela.
• Regan, P.C.; Atkins, L. (2006). "Sex Differences and Similarities in Frequency and Intensity of Sexual Desire". Social Behavior & Personality. 34 (1): 95-101. doi:10.2224/sbp.2006.34.1.95.
• Beck, J.G.; Bozman, A.W.; Qualtrough, T. (1991). "The Experience of Sexual Desire: Psychological Correlates in a College Sample". The Journal of Sex Research. 28 (3): 443-456. doi:10.1080/00224499109551618.