How to deal with emotional blackmail?

Tips on how to deal with situations in which someone tries to blackmail us emotionally.

We have all heard more than once "If you loved me, you would do it", "you will hurt me a lot if you leave me", "yes... I always do everything wrong, oh, how unhappy I am" and other phrases like that, said by family, friends and partners.

If when a loved one wants us to do something we do not want to do but makes us feel guilty for not doing it, perhaps we are facing a case of emotional blackmail, something that we must put a stop to now.

Next we will understand a little more about what emotional manipulators do, so we will know how to deal with emotional blackmail, to know how to confront the emotional blackmail.

How to deal with emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail can be defined as the act of more or less subtle control by one person over another in the form of psychological violence.. Usually, the one who exercises this type of emotional violence is a loved one, such as a mother, a brother, a girlfriend, a husband or even trusted friends. The emotional blackmailer uses different actions to try to control the behavior of his victim, not allowing him to make a choice that benefits both of them and, if he does not listen to him, there will be consequences.

Threats, intimidation, playing the victim or harshly criticizing the person they are trying to manipulate are just some of the techniques used by emotional blackmailers. are just some of the techniques used by emotional blackmailers to achieve their goals, always at the expense of the mental health and emotional stability of their victims. Fortunately, there are all kinds of strategies that allow us to deal with this type of situation.

How to detect an emotional blackmailer?

The emotional blackmailer uses all kinds of tricks to get what he wants from his victim. He tries and insists on making his victim, be it a partner, a friend or a family member, do what he or she wants, even if this puts the victim at risk.even if this puts the victim in a compromising position. He/she leaves him/her no other option and, in an exercise of deep selfishness and lack of empathy, the manipulator only focuses on getting what he/she wants, without seeing the psychological abuse he/she is exercising.

We cannot deal with an emotional blackmailer without first detecting it, and below we will see some of the behaviors and situations that occur in an episode of emotional blackmail.

1. Unfair and insatiable demands

As we mentioned, emotional blackmailers usually have demands that violate the needs, desires and rights of their victim. They do not care how many times the victim has satisfied their selfish demands: are not satisfied.

2. Heavy and insistent

If he wants us to do him a favor, the blackmailer will not stop insisting. He is firm in his desires, even if he wastes our time and health and, if we tell him that we do not think like him or her or that we do not want to do what he tells us, he will give us real war until we get tired and give in to his desires.

If we do not obey what he or she tells us there are several emotional responses that can manifest, although most of them will be disappointment and anger.. He will cry, argue, complain and do all kinds of unpleasant actions to make us get off the donkey.

3. They twist words

The manipulator is a specialist in twisting words when he does not want to assume responsibility.. If we want to defend our rights and we tell him that we do not think it is fair what he is asking for, he will automatically assume the role of victim" (we are the victims!) and will try to make us remember all the bad things we have done to him. It may be true what he reproaches us for, but it is certainly not an argument for us to violate our own rights to satisfy him.

4. Threats with consequences

Although they are not always direct threatsAlthough they are not always direct threats, every emotional blackmailer warns that there will be negative consequences if we do not obey him. They may exaggerate the consequences of an exaggerated decision, threatening with all the Pain and suffering they will feel or that we ourselves will also experience. They may even threaten not to speak to us because of a genuine banality.

5. They underestimate the problems of others

The manipulator is not interested in the problems of his victim, however serious they may be. As she considers herself the center of the world, her problems are ahead of ours. If we try to share with her some bad experience we are going through, she will ignore us and try to divert attention to her own problems, no matter how banal and stupid they may be. and will try to divert attention to her supposed problems, however banal and stupid they may be. Her problems are added to ours.

6. They know our weak points

The blackmailer is a skilled emotional reader, He knows the weak points of his victim and puts his finger on the sore spot.. He is not empathic but he certainly knows how to use our emotions very well, using them to his own advantage and trying to manipulate us.

He can tell us things like that we are his saviors and that, if we don't listen to him, he will be condemning him to suffer a lot. He can also do the opposite, telling us that we are useless and bad people and that he expected that we would not help him. Any weak point is good for him to manipulate us.

7. Overbearing and rigid

They always want to be right and get very upset when they are advised or contradicted: they take it as a personal attack. In their mental world, they are always the ones who are right and at the and at the minimum that someone contradicts them they interpret it as an insult to their intelligence..

As a counterattack they make an effort to annul the opinion of the other or, even, they can make comments insinuating that we are the wrong ones, for example "yes, I do everything wrong, I am not able to do anything, but you are the perfect one" although we have only criticized them in a respectful and polite way.

8. They change moods easily

Emotional manipulators change moods extremely quicklyThey use this expression of emotions depending on the context, according to their interests. One moment they can be happy and satisfied and, in no time at all, they start to cry, get angry or scream. If things don't go their way, they make sure to be as irruptive as possible so that they can gain control of the situation.

9. They make you feel guilty

If we resist the blackmailer's demands, he/she is likely to do everything possible to make us feel guilty. it is very likely that he/she will do everything possible to make us feel guilty.. He will tell us that we never help him, that we are bad people, that for one thing he asks us we say no and other falsehoods. They are all lies because it is not the first time he asks us for something and we, as the manipulated ones that we are, have fallen into his trap.

How to protect ourselves from this type of manipulation?

When we enter a circle of emotional blackmail, it will be very difficult to get out of it, but we must not give up because it is possible. Of course, we will need to be clear and make an effort not to give in to the selfish and absurd demands of our manipulator. Only only by having a cool head and being well focused on our goal of prioritizing our rights ahead of the whims of the one who claims to be our loved one, we will be able to free ourselves from his tyrannical insistence.

Before learning how to protect ourselves from emotional blackmail we must be clear that the person who exercises it usually does so because he/she is afraid of losing us something that, ironically, is spoiling the relationship. Emotional manipulation usually hides fear of abandonment, expression of personal insecurity and low self-confidence. and low self-confidence. Bearing this in mind, we should not become soft: no matter how bad it has been, this does not justify the damage that is being done to us.

We must avoid blaming ourselves, since this is the manipulator's main weapon. The emotional blackmailer makes us feel guilty in order to exploit our weaknesses and get what he wants. It is somewhat understandable that we feel guilty for not satisfying his desires, but before we think about it any further, we should reflect: if we satisfy his demands, do we violate our rights? Is what he is asking for unjustified? If the answer to this is yes, then we have no reason to feel bad for not listening to him.

Another way to deal with it is to focus attention on the manipulator.. It may seem counterproductive and, in fact, it gives the feeling that we are falling into their blackmail, but it is the ideal weapon to turn the situation against them. By listening to what he asks of us and, little by little, shifting the focus of attention to him, we can make him think about how fair his demands are. If he understands that he is going too far, he will probably come to his senses and leave us alone.

We can use time to our advantage when the emotional blackmailer makes unreasonable requests. It is common for him to ask us for an immediate commitment because he knows that, if we reflect with a cold mind and with time, we will not give in to his request. That is why a good strategy is to disconcert him by telling him that we will think about it. Let's take our time to evaluate the pros and cons and, if we can, trust that he will forget about his absurd request.

It is essential to learn to be assertive and to acquire the healthy skill of clearly saying "No". One of our fundamental rights is to put ourselves before others, as long as this does not imply hurting them. If you ask for something and we do not want to do it, saying politely, kindly but clearly "No" is the best way. Naturally, at the beginning he will do everything that an emotional blackmailer does in this situation but, if we repeat it to him in other occasions there will be a moment in which he will get tired and we will stop being his victim.

Finally, if he is one of those who threatens us with "don't do it, do it yourself, be aware of the consequences", we will disconcert him by telling him that we expect them. We must show him that we are not afraid of what might happen and that, if something has to happen, as long as it is not terribly serious, let it happen and that's it.

Also, if he insists on the supposed negative consequences of not obeying him, just ask him what those consequences are.. In many occasions, they themselves do not know them and, when we put them against the wall, they see that they have lost their power.

Summary

Emotional blackmail, no matter how mild it may be, is psychological abuse.. We should not do it nor should we tolerate that they do it to us. If our partner, friends or relatives ask us to do things that, if we do not want to do them, make us feel guilty, threaten us with supposedly terrible consequences or highlight the bad things we have done in the past, they are hurting us. We are victims of psychological abuse that we must put an end to.

It is by means of the different strategies we have discussed that we can break the vicious circle of emotional blackmail. With determination, having things clear and knowing how to say "no" we can make the person who has so insistently told us about his or her problems and ignored ours realize what an abuser he or she has been. Others, unfortunately, will never realize it, either because they have a mental disorder that prevents them from doing so or because they are really bad people. In that case the best thing to do would be to break off the relationship and save yourself from their toxic influence.

Bibliographical references:

• DeGue, S. and DiLillo, D. (2005). "You would if you loved me": Toward an improved conceptual and etiological understanding of nonphysical male sexual coercion. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 10, 513-532.
• Muñoz-Rivas, M.J., Graña, J.L., O'Leary, K.D., y González, P. (2007). Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students. Psicothema, 19, 102-107.