The art of flirting from confidence and good self-esteem.

Several key ideas to develop communication skills when it comes to seduction.

Self-confidence and self-esteem are psychological concepts that have a great influence when it comes to meeting new people.

When what we are looking for is not only to have an entertaining conversation with someone but also to flirt, the relevance of these two aspects is even greater. Here we will see some key ideas to know how to promote them in this area of life.

Self-confidence and self-esteem in their expression when it comes to seduction.

It would be a mistake to think that people who have problems acting with confidence when flirting suffer from this problem because they have low self-esteem or do not believe in themselves in a global sense. In fact, it is very common to find people who are generally confident in their abilities in contexts they face almost every day, such as studies or work, but who at the same time falter when showing self-confidence in specific situations they face in less frequent ways, such as when trying to flirt on weekends.

The fact is that self-esteem and self-confidence are not totally homogeneous elements. are not totally homogeneous elements, but have various facets and can change depending on the situation to which we expose ourselves.. Many shy people are confident when speaking in front of an audience about a subject that fascinates them and they know well, and at the same time, those who are usually popular can become insecure and vulnerable if they have to speak in front of an audience about something they do not know well.

This means that to enhance our fluency in one area of social life, it is necessary to work in that area, and not in any other.

Thus, for the case in point, what is essential is to to develop self-confidence and behavioral patterns that promote self-esteem specifically in the context of seduction.. Of course, working on self-esteem in a global sense, in the face of life as a whole, is important and contributes to making social interactions normally more fluid and pleasant.

However, we should not stop there, which can be used as an excuse for not having to "get out of the comfort zone" and start developing communication skills based on meeting people and, why not, also seduction. Given that these types of challenges occur specifically in one type of social interaction, the way to overcome them must also be centered on these types of social experiences, and not on others. In other words, the keys to the development of self-confidence and self-esteem should be linked to the act of breaking the ice, showing interest, asserting oneself in front of people we do not know, and generally flirting.. Let's take a look at some ideas in this regard.

4 communicative keys to express a seductive self-confidence when flirting

These are some fundamental psychological keys that you should take into account to gain fluency and self-confidence when flirting.

1. Boost your self-confidence through improvisation

Memorizing "prefabricated" phrases when flirting is a mistake. At most, from time to time you can use one to break the ice and start a conversation, but once you are in the dialogue proper, what matters is fluency and social skills applied in the moment, not witty phrases read in a book or on the Internet. Seducing is, among other things, knowing how to adapt, responding to the interests that unite both of you and making that unite the two of you, and creating a comfortable atmosphere, which is comfortable.

Of course, improvising in this way is more complex than applying a sequence of guidelines that we can follow step by step. However, although this fact complicates things, at the same time it brings another element that contributes to make everything simpler, which we will see in the next point.

2. Self-confidence is demonstrated by assuming the imperfection of communication.

At bottom, the ability to create technically perfect conversations is far less seductive than the attitude of self-confidence that is present in assuming that the conversation will have expendable or outright absurd moments. Where self-confidence and charisma are shown is in accepting that what is important is not the technical correctness, but the stimulating sensations and emotions that appear in the dialogue..

In fact, obsessing about not making mistakes not only keeps our mind divided on several fronts (and therefore more vulnerable to blank), but also denotes fragility, because in this way we seem to shield ourselves in that succession of words and gestures.

People who are more capable of flirting take it for granted that there will sometimes be misunderstandings or exchanges of ideas that are not very informative.But they can turn this into a sign of attitude, and even into amusing experiences that lend themselves to jokes. Because of this, it is common that when seducing, the fact of trying to do ridiculous actions works: the very intention of doing that and showing that we do it being aware of how absurd it is, paradoxically, does not make it ridiculous.

3. Fear of rejection is based on an illusion.

This does not mean that fear of rejection does not exist.On the contrary, it is a very real phenomenon and its occurrence (to a greater or lesser degree of intensity) is not uncommon even in people who are better at flirting. The point is that on the one hand, as we have seen, we do not have to fight to eliminate the fear of rejection from our minds, and on the other hand, we must be clear that it is not based on facts that have the capacity to reveal very uncomfortable truths about who we are.

Fear of rejection has to do with anticipating the distressing implications of someone showing disinterest in us, and this is something that can happen perfectly well: there is no reason to assume that everyone finds us fascinating. But... does this really say something very bad about our identity? If we are rejected it is, in the vast majority of cases, because they don't know us well; there is a reason why we seek to get closer.

On the other hand, hardly a single interaction or a series of a few interactions with someone is going to give us a realistic reflection of who we are.. The self-concept, our idea of "I", is actually built over time and through hundreds of experiences. Someone saying "yes" or "no" at a certain point in the conversation is not really going to break the patterns from which we analyze who we are, as frustrating as it can be at times.

4. Without practice there is no progress

Finally, knowing all of the above is of little use if it is not put into practice. To develop the social and emotional management skills necessary for flirting, you have to apply them to reality.. For this reason, many people go to a psychologist to obtain not only the theory, but also a series of guidelines to commit to this process of change and to carry it out effectively and avoiding unnecessary frustrations, starting with what works for "beginners" and ending with the most ambitious challenges.

Looking for psychological assistance?

If you are interested in developing your emotional management skills or enhancing your communication skills, we invite you to contact us. At UPAD Psychology and Coaching we have a team of psychologists with many years of experience working in psychotherapy, psychological support in personal development processes and coaching, and sexual and couple therapy. You can find us in our center located in Madrid (Argüelles area) or through our online services by video call. On this page you can find our contact details.

Bibliographic references:

• Angelico, A.P.; Crippa, J.A.S.; Louriero, S.R. (2013). Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Skills: A Critical Review of the Literature. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy, 7(4): pp. 16 - 33.
• Bruch, E.E.; Newman, M.E.J. (2018). Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets. Science Advances, 4(8): eaap9815.
• Miller, R., Perlman, D., & Brehm, S.S. (2014). Intimate Relationships. New York: McGrawHill Companies.
• O'Donohue, W. (2003). Psychological Skills Training: Issues and Controversies. The Behavior Analyst Today, 4(3), pp. 331 - 335.
• Vacharkulksemsuk, T. (2016). Dominant, open nonverbal displays are attractive at zero-acquaintance. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 113(15): pp. 4009 - 4014.