Cultivating Self-Esteem: 3 Keys to Achieving It

Social pressure can make us believe that our value depends on arbitrary characteristics.

I believe that all of us, at various times in our lives, have felt the weight of the implicit and explicit beliefs of our society and culture, which are spread and transmitted through different media and advertising, and are reinforced at home, at work, in institutions and in day-to-day interactions. One of them is the idea that we are worth according to certain characteristics we possess, for what we do and what we have.

When we think in this way, it is difficult to love and appreciate ourselves unconditionally and even more difficult to face temporary defeats, losses and bad moments. Our sense of worth becomes dependent on external factors and varies according to them, which affects our self-esteem. Cultivating a healthy self-esteem is an ongoing task that requires us to rethink our beliefs, give ourselves love and allow ourselves to grow.It requires rethinking our beliefs, giving ourselves love and allowing ourselves to grow, and it is worthwhile as it is central to our physical and mental well-being.

What is self-esteem?

Glenn Schiraldi, author of several articles and books on mental and physical health defines self-esteem as "a realistic and appreciative view of oneself." It is to value oneself accurately and honestly, to love, care for and like oneself.

It is to possess a healthy pride; to respect oneself, to feel worthy and grateful for one's achievements, talents, talents, services or membership in a group.It is to have a healthy pride; to respect oneself, to feel worthy and grateful for one's achievements, talents, services or belonging to a family group, ethnic group, etc. It is also to have a healthy humility; to believe that all people are equally valuable, to appreciate oneself with the successes and failures and to recognize how much one still has to learn.

The author explains that healthy self-esteem is different from self-destructive shame and self-defeating pride.. In self-defeating shame or humility, people have a negative opinion of themselves, which is inaccurate and unrealistic. They believe they are inferior to others, experience feelings of shame and disgust. They tend toward submissiveness and lack self-respect.

On the other hand, people with counterproductive pride believe they are superior and more important than others. They try to impress others and experience an excessive need and desire to be admired. They behave in an arrogant, conceited and narcissistic manner. These two extremes are rooted in insecurity and fear.

How to cultivate self-esteem

Schiraldi describes three important foundations for building self-esteem; self-worth, unconditional love and growth, being essential to develop the first two secure bases, in order to focus on growth.

1. Unconditional Value

This first base to build a healthy self-esteem, invites us to recognize the unconditional and inherent value of human beings.. Something perhaps difficult for some people to assimilate, given the bombardment of information that associates a person's worth with his or her appearance, intelligence, popularity, etc.

Unconditional human value is described by five axioms developed by Dr. Claudia A. Howard (1992):

• We all have infinite, internal, unconditional value as persons.
• We all have equal value as persons. There is no competition for value. Although one person may be better in sports, studies or business, and another may be better in social skills, both have the same value as human beings.
• External factors do not add or subtract value. Externals include things like money, appearance, performance, achievements. These only increase our market or social value. Value as a person, however, is infinite and unchanging.
• Value is stable is stable and never at stake (even if rejected by someone).
• Value does not have to be earned or proven. It already exists. It just has to be recognized, accepted and appreciated.

Letting go of the idea of conditioned worthiness

Schiraldi explains that "we are important and valuable as people because our spiritual and essential being is unique, precious, good, and of infinite, eternal and unchanging value."

He describes that, like a newborn baby, our inner self is fundamentally good and whole, and full of potential. However, over time the inner self becomes surrounded by external elements (criticism, mistreatment, negative actions and thought patterns) that can hide or make it difficult to see and experience our value, while others (love, expressing our talents, helping others) help us see and feel it more easily. These external factors change the way our value is experienced, not the value itself.but not the value itself.

Understanding that our value is unconditional frees us from the constant search for approval. There is no need to do things to prove our worth, no need to be like someone else to gain value. Likewise, we can better cope with adversity and life changes, as we understand that our worth does not come into play because of mistakes, rejections or bad situations and experiences. It is one thing to feel bad about events and behaviors and another to feel bad or ashamed of the inner self.

In the same way we begin to recognize the value inherent in others. There is no need to encourage violence, separation and inequality based on differences of race, gender, religion, economic status, etc. There is no justification for competition that overrides others, envy or hatred if we manage to understand this simple truth that we are all of equal value as persons.

2. Unconditional love

Schiraldi describes love as a feeling and an attitude in which we want the best for ourselves and others. It is a decision and commitment that is made every day and a skill that can be learned and cultivated through practice. Love does not define us, nor does it provide us with worth, but it does help us to recognize, experience and appreciate it more easily. We all need to feel loved, respected, accepted and valuable. If we have not received this love from others, it is important that we ourselves take the responsibility to give it unconditionally, since love heals and is the foundation for growth.

One way to cultivate love is through the practice of self-compassion. Kristin Neff, a researcher and professor at the University of Texas, talks about three components that help us do this. Briefly described, the first is to be kind and understanding of ourselves, rather than critical, when we suffer, fail or make mistakes. The next component involves recognizing our common humanity. It is to remember that we are interconnected and that we all share experiences of imperfection, make mistakes and have difficulties.

Finally, the third component is mindfulness, the third component is mindfulness.. The willingness to clearly observe our internal experiences (thoughts, emotions) as they are in the present moment. Without exaggerating, ignoring or judging them, so that we can respond and deal with reality in a compassionate and effective way.

3. Growth

This component then focuses on developing the physical, mental, social and emotional potential within us and that exists within us and also sharing it with others.

Shiraldi explains that growth is an ongoing process that requires effort, help and is never completely finished, but is satisfying because it arises from a secure foundation of worth, love and a feeling of calmness rather than anxiety. If these foundations are absent, success and achievement will rarely lead to healthy self-esteem.

Similarly, developing our capabilities does not increase or change our value, because we are born with it. Rather, as we grow we see our essential self more clearly, we are expressing our value, we change our perceptions of ourselves, and we experience who we are with more joy and satisfaction.

Growing up is about choosing to act in integrity with our values, eliminating behaviors that do not fit us.eliminating behaviors that are not good for us and enjoying the process without fearing failure and worrying excessively about results. Each person has his or her own path and goes at his or her own pace. Self-esteem, then, is a combination of self-acceptance (worth and love) and growth.

References:

• Neff, K. (2012). Be kind to yourself. The art of compassion towards oneself. Barcelona, Spain: Oniro.
• Schiraldi, G.R. (2016). The Self-Esteem Workbook. Second Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.