Dysfunctional Relationships: 10 Warning Signs

Harmful relational dynamics can take many forms, but all of them change us for the worse.

Throughout these years of clinical practice I have seen how many of the people who came to therapy felt bad but did not know how to identify the cause of it. There are those who do not identify or do not want to see the consequences on the emotional state that their relationship may be generating.. In the name of "love" these people justified to themselves (constantly) the harmful behaviors of their partner. But the reality is different: it is not negotiable, if it hurts it is not love.

In this article we will review the typical warning signs of dysfunctional relationships..

Characteristics of dysfunctional relationships

The purpose of maintaining a couple relationship is to grow, both personally and together. A couple's relationship has to add, never subtract. You both have to feel that you grow together as a couple and that on an individual level you enhance each other, bringing out the best possible version of each other. bringing out the best possible version of each other.

If you feel that your self-esteem is damaged and every day your dignity is diminishing because of the dynamics you have in your relationship, you may be falling into a dysfunctional relationship. You will be consumed little by little until the day comes when you may look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.

The first step to get out of a dysfunctional relationship is to identify it.. Read on for 10 key signs that you are in a harmful relationship.

1. Power struggle

It is very common in dysfunctional relationships for power struggles to occur constantly. When a person has feelings of inferiority towards his or her partner, every conflict will be fought as if it were the last battle, wanting to win "the war". wanting to win "the war". In the short term it will be an unconscious way to compensate for their lack of self-esteem but in the long term their self-esteem will continue to be weakened and the relationship will suffer.

If you have a partner, you need to reflect on this point. You have to look at bonding in an adult and mature way, creating a space in which each other's opinions and are respected.

One day working on this with a couple in therapy, I told them, "you know you may disagree, it's okay; but this doesn't mean you love each other less or that you don't respect yourselves, you simply think differently". There was silence and they looked at me with a surprised look on their faces. At that moment, the myth of "really loving each other means we have to think alike" was demolished. Indeed, in a couple's relationship you can disagree. It is permissible to think differently, so it is better to leave it as a draw.

Always wanting to be right, never admitting your mistakes, being unable to ask for forgiveness when you fail, not listening to your partnerto be incapable of asking for forgiveness when you fail, not to listen to your partner, not to allow him to freely express his opinion or to impose yours, are symptoms of power struggle.

Lack of respect

One of the basic ingredients in a couple's relationship is respect. It is the foundation on which the other pillars are going to be deposited. Therefore, without respect there is nothing!

If there are any of the following points in your relationship, you have crossed the red line of respect:

• Hostile humor and teasing.
• Scorn and yelling..
• Defensive and aggressive attitude.
• Deliberately hurting each other.
• Hurtful fights and violent arguments.
• Recurrent lies.
• Infidelities.

If you feel that no matter how hard you try you always end up arguing in a hostile mannercommunication is non-existent and it is impossible for you to reach an agreement, you are in a complicated situation. This can lead you to feel anger, sadness and/or resentment that can end up undermining your relationship.

Respect and healthy communication should always be present in a couple's relationship. Respecting each other is the first step in improving the quality of the bond.

3. You don't recognize yourself

As a consequence of the dynamics you have as a couple, it may be that the context transforms you for the worse.. If you identify with one or more of these symptoms, you may be living in a toxic relationship:

• If every day that passes you feel worse about yourself.
• If you have stopped being yourself for fear of your partner's reaction.
• If you think that by being you, your partner could reject you.
• If you think your partner could never fall in love with someone like you and that's why you have changed you have changed by adopting a submissive role.
• If you have annulled your needs, prioritizing only those of your partner.
• If your mood is getting lower and lower.
• If before you met your partner you were a cheerful person and now you are depressed.
• Little by little you have let your personality fade away.
• You look in the mirror and do not recognize yourself.
• You often think: "Who am I?" and you don't know the answer.

It is important to be clear about the framework of the couple in which you operate.. You have to feel free, to be able to express yourself as you are and feel yourself, without coercion, while you have to have the same attitude of acceptance towards your partner.

4. Obsession to change your partner

There are people who mistakenly start a relationship because they are attracted to someone, but do not accept fundamental aspects of the other. These people negotiate with themselves that with patience and effort they will be able to change those parts they don't like about the other person.. This is a myth, no one is going to change just because someone else tries to do it.

You can suggest a behavior change request to your partner, but it will have to be that person (if he/she wants to do it) who freely decides to change, not by manipulation or insistence. I have seen people devote much of their lives and energy to trying to change their partner without results.

5. Control and jealousy

Many toxic relationships begin by subjugating the partner with controlling behaviors.. There are many ways (subtle or explicit) to do this. Some examples would be:

• If your partner decides about what clothes you have to wear.
• If your partner also decides about which friends you should hang out with (usually theirs because they don't like yours).
• Control your social networks.
• He asks you to send him locations (via Whatsapp) or photos of who you are with.
• As a result of his jealousy, he watches your cell phone or reads your Whatsapp without your knowledge.

If you allow your partner to violate your right to privacy, you are in a dysfunctional relationship (at the very least). No one should be allowed to decide about your own life.

6. Blackmail and comparisons

If you feel that your partner is comparing you with his or her ex or with people from his or her past, makes comments about how things worked with other partners but not with you? This is a way of generating feelings of guilt and lowering your self-esteem. Be careful with comparisons or blackmail.

Each person is different, unique by definition. In healthy couple relationships there is no blackmailing for personal gain.

7. Constant emotional instability

If every time you have a loud argument or a problem your partner threatens to leave the relationship and even goes so far as to leave, it can create feelings of insecurity about that bond and lead you to feel like you are on a continuous roller coaster of feelings.

Threatening to leave or leaving is a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. Problems should be learned to be handled differently. It is essential for the development of a stable relationship that the partners feel secure about the commitment that exists within the relationship. that exists within the couple's relationship.

8. Open and permanent conflicts

There is nothing more unpleasant than to live in a continuous open fight or war without truce. This exhausts people and robs them of the energy destined to their projects and plans.

A bad communication as a couple can cause you to continually have conflicts, generating a feeling of discomfort generating a feeling of discomfort, frustration and uncertainty in both of you. in both of you. For psychological health, it is necessary to reach agreements and learn to manage communication effectively.

9. You have to justify your attitude with excuses (with yourself and your environment).

If in order to continue in the relationship you have to constantly justify your behavior to yourself and deep down you know that what is happening is wrong. deep down you know that what is happening is harmful to you, you are in a harmful relationship.you are in a harmful relationship.

If your environment tells you the (obvious) toxic things in your relationship or tells you to leave the relationship, that you can not continue and you have to justify all that, you are probably in a dysfunctional relationship.

In all the above mentioned points the path is also the other way around, do not do what you do not want to be done to you.

10. You are incapable of leaving the toxic relationship.

If you feel identified with any of the above points and you are not able to get out of a dysfunctional relationship, you have tried but you do not succeed or you would like to solve the problems of your relationship, you can ask for professional help in El Prado Psicólogos; we know how to help you.