My partner gets angry and doesn’t talk to me: why it happens and what to do about it

A very common phenomenon in human relationships: the law of ice.

A couple's relationship that is maintained over time will experience, sooner or later, some kind of conflict. Despite the fact that almost nobody finds them pleasant, in reality their existence is healthy, since they allow to express emotions and thoughts and to negotiate guidelines of action and intermediate points.

However, it is necessary to know how to manage them, and this may not be so easy. This is influenced by previous experiences as a couple, different styles of handling problems or even different personality traits.

Some people, for example, find that after an argument with their partner, they get angry and do not speak to him/her.Why does this happen and how to react? Throughout this article we will try to give some answers to these questions.

The law of ice: he gets angry and doesn't talk to me

In all the relations, and especially in those of couple, it is relatively frequent that for some motive conflicts, small quarrels and disputes appear, in which both members of the couple end up getting angry..

In some people, an argument leads one of the parties to stop talking to the other and ignore him or her. When it is used voluntarily, this way of proceeding is popularly known as the "law of ice"..

This is a pattern of action in which the person who is angry stops talking to the other for a period of time, during which there may not only be a behavioral silence, but the person who practices it may also become mentally and emotionally isolated. The absence of communication may be completeor be limited to short, dry and even monosyllabic responses. It is also likely that in addition to silence there are contradictions between verbal and non-verbal communication.

This behavior, with great similarities to the phenomenon of ghosting, may have different objectives and stems in part from a personality that may be either immature or arise from an attempt to suppress the emotional reaction that arises in oneself or in one's partner. It can be used in a defensive or aggressive way (either to protect oneself or a partner). (either to protect oneself from harm coming from the other or to provoke it in the other).

As a rule it is usually used only for the duration of a conflict or for a more or less short period of time afterwards, but sometimes it can remain for prolonged periods of time.

This way of acting is actually highly maladaptive because it will generate pain and dissatisfaction, and in fact it has been observed that it contributes to the deterioration of satisfaction with the relationship and the couple's bond. In addition, it does not allow working on the aspects that have generated the anger, so the reason for the conflict may remain latent.

Some common causes of this reaction

As we have seen, not talking to the partner after getting angry with him/her may be due to very different motivations. Among them, some of the most common are the following.

1. Self-management of one's own emotions

One of the defensive causes of this type of behavior is that which occurs when the subject who ignores is unable to cope with the emotions aroused by the argument or the presence of the partner with whom he or she has just had an argument.

In these cases the subject seeks an escape or avoidance of emotions that he/she does not know how to manage adequately, either for fear of doing or either for fear of doing or saying something that will damage the relationship or that will make him/her give in to something he/she is not willing to do. It usually occurs in very rational people who are not very connected with their emotions, or in those who are highly emotional but have difficulty managing them.

2. Cease a painful argument

Sometimes one of the partners stops talking to the other after getting angry in order to try to end the argument. In this case we are dealing with a defensive behavior that does not allow to solve what has caused the conflict, although it can seek to resume the conversation in a situation of greater calm or after preparing some kind of argumentation.

3. Seeking forgiveness

In some cases the cessation of communication seeks restitution or compensation from the other party, generally in the form of a request for forgiveness. This is an aggressive position that seeks to modify the other's behavior. It is very similar to the following point, with the difference that in this case, the aim is not really to do harm for its own sake but that the other person realizes that the subject considers that a certain level of discomfort has been generated.

4. Manipulating behavior

Another of the most common causes of this behavior is an attempt by the ignoring party to get what he/she wants. Silence is made uncomfortable and painful for the receiver, who may even feel bad and modify his behavior in order to please the other.

We are basically dealing with a type of behavior with hints of psychological violence in which one of the members may be forced to do something he/she does not want to do, in such a way that personal freedom is curtailed.

Punishing" the other

Another cause for the appearance of the law of ice is an attempt to harm the other as a punishment or sanction for a possible affront, whether real (an argument or a confessed or real infidelity) or imagined (for example, jealousy). In this case we are dealing with a behavior of somewhat immature characteristics that does not allow a progress and a resolution of the conflict, besides being able to have abusive characteristics in some cases.

Effects on the sufferer of this type of hostility

The fact that your partner gets angry and does not speak to you usually generates an affectation to the one who suffers it, independently of which is the objective of the one who ignores. As a general rule, the person will feel rejected, something that can cause pain and suffering.something that can generate pain and suffering. Being ignored by someone we love is a source of stress.

This pain may even become physical: it is not uncommon for headaches, neck pain or intestinal discomfort to occur. It is also possible that feelings of guilt, sleep problems and vascular and Blood Pressure alterations may appear. In some cases, endocrine dysregulation and changes in glucose levels may also occur.

In addition to the above, performance and execution problems can appear due to the worry that this behavior can generate, as well as demotivation and loss of desire to do things. It can also generate anger and resentment against the person who ignores us. against the person who ignores us, as well as to lose some illusion for this person and even to rethink some aspects of the relationship or the convenience of maintaining it or not.

A form of abuse

So far we have talked about different reasons why one of the partners stops talking to the other as a result of anger, which can be anything from an attempt to take time to manage one's emotions to a form of punishment for some kind of perceived grievance (whether or not it is real).

However, there are occasions in which there is a cessation or decrease in the couple's communication in an active way not in the context of a specific conflict, but as a control mechanism that is used constantly throughout the relationship.

In other words, we have to take into account that although it can be used in a punctual way without having as a real objective to do harm, it can be one of the expressions of the presence of psychological abuse. And it is that in the end, if it is done intentionally, we are facing a psychological abuse, if it is done intentionally, we are dealing with a type of passive violence. towards the partner seeking to manipulate or humiliate him or her by making him or her invisible.

In these cases we would be dealing with the use of the presence or absence of communication as an instrument used on a regular basis to make the other feel unimportant.

The aim in these cases is to do harm and put the partner at a disadvantage: silence is intended to humiliate the other by pretending that he/she does not exist or that what he/she thinks or says is not important in order to shape his/her behavior in such a way that he/she does what he/she wants to do or simply in order to make him or her suffer in order to maintain dominance over him or her.

How to react to this situation

Finding ourselves in this situation can be highly frustrating and we may not know what to do. In this sense, it is advisable first of all to try not to respond with the same behavior, as this can lead to a symmetrical escalation of the conflict, a worsening of the situation and a deterioration of the relationship.

First of all, we should ask ourselves about the causes of the anger or the reason that may have caused the partner to stop talking to us. It is a matter of trying to see things from the other person's perspective, even if he/she ignores us.even if the fact that he/she ignores us generates anger or discomfort, in order to understand why he/she may be reacting in this way. In the same way it is also necessary to evaluate if our own behavior can be responsible for it, and in affirmative case to try to repair the possible damage caused.

It is essential to try to approach the other in a positive way and try to show that the lack of communication is causing suffering in us, as well as hindering the resolution of the conflict. The aim is to encourage communication that allows both partners to express what they feel and think freely and without fear.

However, it is not necessary to be overly insistent: sometimes it may be necessary to let the other person reflect on the situation. Forcing things can be counterproductive.

It should also be borne in mind that we must respect ourselvesIf the behavior persists and our attempts are unsuccessful over a period of time, it may be necessary to set limits on what we are willing to tolerate. It is even possible to rethink the terms of the relationship. We must also be able to step back from the situation and see it in perspective, so that it does not cause us suffering or reduce its impact.

In the case of abusive and toxic dynamics that aim to manipulate the ignored person and harm him or her without further ado, it is not appropriate to give in as this may lead to the use of this method as a dynamic to achieve one's own purposes. Likewise it is also necessary to set limits and distance oneself from this type of relationship..

It may be useful in some cases to consider seeking professional help, such as couple therapy, or individual therapy for one or both partners. Strengthening our communication skills and emotion management can also be very useful.

Bibliographical references:

• Dahrendorf, R. (1996). Elementos para una teoría del conflicto social. Madrid: Tecnos. p. 128.