Why is it so difficult for us to get over a breakup?

What are the reasons why a couple breaks up for good?

Suddenly, Martin had the feeling that the world was collapsing around him. His girlfriend, the woman he had lived with for the last 10 years of his life, had just told him that she no longer loved him, that she had fallen in love with another man, and that she was leaving the house that very night.

The feeling of disbelief that gripped Martin at that moment lasted for several days, and even months, after she had left. Distressed and confused, he kept wondering what the hell had happened.

He usually found himself wandering around the house alone, immersed in questioning and dark thoughts. Eventually, all sorts of happy times began to come to his mind.He remembered his ex-girlfriend's smile, the last time they went on vacation, the walks they took together every weekend in the neighborhood park, the hugs and gestures of affection they showed each other, the trips to the movies and the theater, the humor they shared, and a whole cataract of etcetera that were projected before his eyes like a movie, over and over again.

In addition, he often had the feeling that she was still in the house. He could smell her, see her standing by the living room window, and hear her girlish laughter like an echo, now in her sad, desolate abode.

She was no longer there, but had become a very present ghost that haunted him wherever he went. This was Martin's story. Now I am going to tell another case, very different and very similar at the same time.

Sentimental breakups and losses

Just as Martín lost his girlfriend, Diego lost a part of his body.. He had suffered a serious car accident that led him to an emergency surgery where doctors had no choice but to amputate his hand.

The funny thing about it, and leaving aside the sad and dramatic part of the story, is that in the days and months following the operation, Diego felt that the hand that had been removed was still in place.

He knew rationally, of course, that he was now one-armed. In fact, he could contemplate the very nothingness where his hand had once been. The evidence before his eyes was irrefutable. But, in spite of that, Diego could not help but feel that the injured hand was still in place. Moreover, he assured the doctors that he could move his fingers, and there were even days when his palm itched and he didn't know what to do to scratch it.

The strange phenomenon that affected Diego has a name... it is known as phantom limb syndrome. It is a well-documented pathology that, like everything that happens to us in life, has its origin in the architecture of the brain.

The phantom limb

Every part of our body occupies a specific place in the brain. Hands, fingers, arms, feet and the rest of the components of the human anatomy have a specific and identifiable neural correlate. In simple terms, our entire organism is represented in the brain, that is, it occupies a specific space made up of a set of interconnected neurons.

If misfortune strikes and we suddenly lose a leg in an accident, what instantly disappears from our body is the actual leg, but not the areas of the brain where that leg is represented.

It is something similar to what happens if we tear a page out of a book: that particular page will no longer be part of the volume in question; however, it will still exist in the index. This is a mismatch between what we are supposed to have and what we actually have..

Another way to understand this is to think of the actual geographical territory of a country and its cartographic representation, that is, the place that country occupies on the map of the world... A giant tidal wave could well cause Japan to sink into the ocean, but Japan would obviously still exist on all the school maps scattered over the face of the Earth.

Similarly, if from one day to the next, the unfortunate Diego no longer has his right hand, but for his brain it still exists, it is to be expected that the poor boy will feel that he can pick things up with the missing limb, play with his fingers, or even scratch his butt when no one is looking.

The adapting brain

The brain is a flexible organ, with the capacity to reorganize itself. For the purposes of the case at hand, this means that the area of the brain where Diego's injured hand used to sit does not die or disappear.

On the contrary, with the passage of time, as it stops receiving sensory information from the environment, such as touch, cold and heat, the nerve cells cease to fulfill their specific function. As there is no longer any reason for them to remain there, their existence no longer being justified, the unemployed neurons are put at the service of another member of the body. They usually migrate to neighboring regions of the brain. They change teams, to put it colloquially.

Of course, this does not happen overnight. It takes the brain months and years to accomplish this feat. During this period of transition, it is possible that the injured person lives under the delusion that there is still something there.believing that there is still something where in reality there is nothing.

The parallelism

Now then, what does the strange hand syndrome have to do with the poor Martin and his runaway girlfriend who give the title to this article?

Well, quite a lot, in a sense, since not only do our different body parts have a physical representation in the brain, but also everything we do during the day, our most diverse experiences.

If we take lessons in the Czech language or play the clarinet, the resulting learning triggers the literal reorganization of some regions of our brain. All new knowledge involves the recruitment of thousands and thousands of neurons so that this new information can be fixed and preserved in the long term.

The same is valid for Clarita, the woman with whom Martin was living with. After many years of courtship and dozens of experiences together, she occupied a very specific place in the man's brain, just as the lost hand occupied a specific place in Diego's brain.

The hand removed, and Clarita removed, both brains will need time to adjust to the new circumstances.clinging to the past, they will only bombard each boy with illusory flashes of a reality that no longer exists. Thus, while Diego feels that he still has his hand, Martin feels Clarita's presence, and both of them suffer in the strong emotional contrast that is generated every time they become aware that this is no longer the case.

The problem does not end there

There is an aggravating factor, and that is the feeling of discomfort that appears when the old accustomed brain cannot get what it wants.

When a person dazzles us, the central nervous system begins to release large amounts of a substance called dopamine. This is a neurotransmitter whose function, in this case, is to stimulate what is known as the brain's reward circuit, responsible for the feeling of well-being and fullness that characterizes the person in love..

On the other hand, the excess of dopamine circulating through our neurons blocks a region called the prefrontal cortex which, by chance, is the Biological seat of reflective thinking, critical judgment, and problem-solving ability. In other words, when we fall in love, the ability to think and act intelligently goes to the seventh circle of hell, and beyond.

Blinded and dazed by love

Falling in love makes us half-fooled, and this is an evolutionary goal. Blinded by love, not being able to perceive our partner's defects helps to quickly strengthen the bond. If the person in question impresses us, seems perfect, with no negative traits, it will make us want to spend a lot of time with them, which in turn will increase the likelihood that we will end up in bed, have children, and continue to populate the world. Which, by the way, is the only thing our genes are really interested in..

Now, if for some reason the relationship is permanently interrupted, the reward circuit is deprived of its source of dopamine, triggering a full-blown withdrawal syndrome. Instead, the stress circuit is activated, and the lover suffers like a prisoner, unable to obtain what his brain insistently demands.

Like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, the abandoned girlfriend or boyfriend may even commit all sorts of reckless and foolish acts in an attempt to win back his or her loved one.

The period it takes for the brain to readjust to this disruption is what is commonly known as mourning, and usually varies from person to person.and it usually varies from one person to another, since it depends on the type and intensity of the bond, the attachment and the importance we attribute to the person we have lost.