6 keys to avoid absurd couple arguments

Why do some couples spend the day arguing over trifles?

Couple relationships are usually contexts in which all emotions are magnified. The emotional impact of an apparently banal event is often much more powerful than in any other situation and type of interaction. Love simply makes our emotional side take control of much of our behavior, for better or worse.

That is why it is is very important to learn how to solve those absurd arguments that occur within the relationship, so that they do not leave a mark on the relationship.It is therefore very important to learn how to solve those absurd arguments that occur within the relationship, so that they do not leave a mark on our way of thinking about (and interacting with) the other person.

Distinguishing absurd disputes from those that are not absurd

Now, the first thing we have to do to prevent these problems is to analyze to what extent the history of arguments with our partner is full of disputes that, effectively, are absurd if we analyze them with a certain coldness once they have passed..

How do we know how to distinguish the meaningless arguments from the meaningless ones? To do this we must ask ourselves to what extent the arguments and moments of discomfort are or are not due to communication. If a reasonable explanation for a large part of these arguments can be based on a problem of communication and expectations, there is a good chance that a large part of them are "silly" arguments, in the sense that what causes them is a lack of communication and a misperception of things.

It may be difficult to reach this conclusion, but we have a powerful tool to do so: the opinions of others. Other people, whose interests are not compromised by the existence of our relationship and who have seen at first hand most of the discussions we have had and the reasons that have produced them, will help us to have a more objective view of the issue.

We must combine this resource with a sincere and honest effort on our part when it comes to coldly analyzing what has been happening to us, and the situations that have given rise to the disputes.

Avoiding toxic relationships

What if after this stage of reviewing past discussions we come to the conclusion that the fundamental problem is not communication? Several things can happen: either we are wrong, which is always possible, or the communication problems are the consequence of other more serious problems related or not to our relationship, or we are living in a so-called toxic relationship, or we are living one of the so-called toxic relationships..

Toxic relationships are those in which those in which there are serious structural problems in the functioning of the relationshipproblems that are very difficult to correct and that seriously damage the well-being of one or both people. This generic category also includes those relationships in which there is clear abuse and an unequal power relationship in which one person dominates the other. To learn more about toxic relationships you can read this article.

Preventing senseless arguments

At this point, we already know that silly arguments have too much impact on our relationship, so it is in our best interest to prevent them from happening again. 

We also know that this is a problem that can be solved, albeit in the medium and long term, because unlike what happens in toxic relationships, what produces it is not something structural, but rather superficial and can be corrected by learning and unlearning certain behaviors. This is precisely what the keys to avoid silly couple arguments presented below are for.

Keys to avoid arguments of this type

These are some principles to follow in the mission to make the couple's life enter into another relationship dynamic, another phase.

Even if what you want to correct is not part of the core of the relationship and cannot be associated with a toxic relationship, that does not mean that managing it is an easy task, because this is a mission in which both members of the couple have to be involved. Therefore, it would be optimal to reinforce the application of these keys with couples therapy sessions.

1. The first contact

We start from a situation in which there is an asymmetry: we want to begin to prevent and manage more or less systematically the absurd couple arguments, but the other person does not know it yet. The first step in a project based on improving communication between two people is, obviously, to communicate it to them. And to do so, it is necessary to take advantage of a moment of calm, in which the mood of both is good, and it is possible to show affection in return. It is also necessary to make sure that there is enough time to talk about it..

In this way the two components of the relationship will associate the beginning of this plan with that pleasant context in which it began to take its first steps, and they will interpret this initiative as what it is.a mission based on goodwill and the re-establishment of strong and solid bonds of affection.. On the other hand, if we start this phase during or just after an argument, the other person is likely to adopt a defensive attitude.

The explanation should be simple, honest and communicated spontaneously, without following a rigid script, so that the non-verbal language is fully adapted to what is being said.

2. Examining past situations

Once the first step has been taken, and immediately afterwards, if possible, it is advisable to recall past situations.It is advisable to recall together past absurd discussions and to talk about one's own point of view and on what at the time was said. and what you thought you saw at the time. This will make us learn things we did not know about how the other person sees the relationship, and what are his or her expectations and the elements he or she values most.

If this first talk is about motivations that are of equal interest to both partners, the simple fact of having had such a dialogue for the first time is in itself very beneficial.

3. Avoiding reproaches

In reminiscing about past discussions, there is one danger that both partners must avoid: falling into reproaches..

This does not mean that we cannot express things that once made us angry (in fact, it is advisable to do so), but we must pay attention to the way in which we communicate them so that they do not sound like a sign of revanchism in which we mainly seek to make the other person regret and recognize that we are right. In other words, it is a matter of form, not content..

4. Scheduling talks about the state of the relationship.

At this point, you may have been talking about it for quite a while, so it is best to end the first talk. it is best to bring the first talk to an end.. 

However, at the end of this first session (because it is a self-therapy session, however improvised and informal it may be), both members of the couple must commit to spend some time together again. both partners have to commit themselves to spend some time talking about how they perceive the relationship, to give their point of view on the relationship, to give their opinion on the relationship, to give their opinion on the relationship, and to give their opinion on the relationship.to give their point of view on possible real or potential conflicts, etc.

5. Giving up the Internet as a means to communicate a lot.

One of the measures to implement is, directly, to reach an agreement to use the Internet only to communicate what is essential and objective.. The tokens of affection sent through a chat can be fine if they are simple, but they should not be part of an overly elaborate discourse. Real communication should be reserved only for face-to-face situations.

The aim of this is to eliminate spaces where communication is ambiguous in the moments when we are learning to adopt the other person's point of view. Later on, when you perceive that the absurd discussions have subsided, you can go back to making use of the chats without restrictions.

6. Creating protocols for action

In one of these chats protocols can be set up for those discussions that we think are based on nothingnessi.e. a lack of dialogue. For example, it can consist of a simple gesture. However, in order not to detract from the value of this symbol, a firm commitment is needed not to use this as a resource to escape from discussions based on something serious.