Interview with Esther Jiménez García: how relationship problems affect us

The psychologist Esther Jiménez talks about relationship problems from her experience as a therapist.

Loving relationships are a relational and affective phenomenon that encompasses a large part of the day-to-day life of those who are in one of them. This has many beneficial aspects, but also gives rise to several disadvantages.

One of them is that couple problems can come to us from very different fronts, and that is why there is no manual with infallible solutions to apply to all cases. Fortunately, we have an effective tool that allows us to adapt to each case and to have expert help: it is the couple therapy.

In this case we will learn the perspective of a professional couple's therapist about the love and cohabitation problems that affect thousands of marriages. that affect thousands of marriages and dating relationships. We will talk to Esther Jiménez, psychologist.

Interview with Esther Jiménez: helping to overcome couple problems.

Esther Jiménez García is an expert psychologist in individual and couple therapy, and in her day-to-day work in her Madrid office she sees a great variety of cases of love relationships that stagnate or enter into crisis. Here she talks to us about the management of couple problems from her point of view as a professional.

As a psychologist, what are the most common couple problems that come to your office?

In general, I could say that couples come to therapy mainly for conflicts in areas that I will discuss here.

Firstly, conflicts related to power and control: who makes the decisions, the feeling that only the needs of one partner are taken into account, jealousy, etc.

On the other hand, there is the area of care and closeness: the couple has been neglected, the bond has been weakened, one of the partners feels lonely or feels that all the burden of care falls on him or her, sexual problems....

Finally, problems associated with respect and recognition: not feeling seen or valued by the other partner, breakdown of trust, infidelity...

Is it common for relationship problems to be related to specific problems in the sexual sphere?

Yes, they are closely related. When there are problems in the relationship the most common thing is that in the medium-long term, these problems are reflected in the area of sexuality. For example, it is common to see cases of loss of sexual desire derived from relational problems.

On the other hand, sometimes, problems in the sexual sphere are the ones that generate the problem or bring to light the crisis in the couple, since they can make evident certain problems of communication, expression of affection, etc. It is important to understand what it means to have a healthy relationship and sexuality for each partner.

What do you think are the most common mistakes when it comes to managing coexistence in couple relationships?

I think that on many occasions the members of the couple have unspoken agreements and assume roles in cohabitation that have not been negotiated; for example, who makes economic decisions, how leisure time is distributed, household chores and care.

It is possible that at the beginning of the relationship these roles worked or were not evident. With repetition, these small initial conflicts tend to grow, we make interpretations and become more reactive. To solve them, it is essential to pay attention to the needs of each partner and of the couple, and then communicate and negotiate.

And when it comes to managing communication between the two?

Communication is one of the basic pillars for a relationship to work. I frequently meet couples who have not had detailed conversations about how they want the relationship to work, their expectations or their plan for the future.

In the first moments of falling in love, we sometimes skip certain conversations because everything seems idyllic. However, couples are constantly evolving, new needs arise on a personal level or because of life changes (having children, change of job...). And suddenly, the solutions that worked before stop working or are no longer useful at that moment. Having the same conflict or the same argument constantly generates a lot of frustration and makes the couple feel more and more distant.

Therefore, in therapy it is essential to work on how to communicate effectively, learn to expose one's own needs and meet those of the other and develop the ability to negotiate in all couples therapy. Because through good communication we can negotiate and reach agreements that satisfy both members of the couple.

Do you think that couples therapy can serve to increase the commitment to the strength of the relationship, or is this an element that must be previous and without which you can not move forward no matter how much you go to the psychologist?

The most important thing is to come with the curiosity to try something new, to find different solutions to the usual problems.

Many couples come to therapy on the verge of breaking up, the relationship is not in a good moment, and it is possible that one of the partners is not in the mood to come to therapy.

We work from the beginning to restore the bond between these two people, to understand what they need and how to get it, in this way, the commitment to the relationship can increase, as the relationship ceases to be a place of conflict to be a safe place and growth.

Probably, the therapeutic proposals that you make when attending to each couple depend on their specific characteristics. How do you take into account the personality types of those who come to you, to adapt the couple therapy to their way of being?

Each couple is a world with its own rules. We work with three parts, each member of the couple and the couple's relationship itself.

It is important to understand each person's history, as well as the relational dynamics that generate and maintain conflict, as well as those that create harmony. I conduct sessions with couples and individual sessions so that each one has a space to explore individually how they live their relationship. For example, their emotional schemas around relationships.

It is also important to understand if either partner needs to go through a process of individual therapy, as, in some cases, that would be a step prior to couples therapy.

Finally, do you think most people have an accurate view of what couples therapy is?

I think most people see couples therapy as a last resort, the place you go when you've hit rock bottom. However, it doesn't have to be this way, as I mentioned before, relationships evolve over time and we can actively collaborate to keep the relationship in shape.

Imagine someone who starts going to the gym and does a series of exercises, and 10 years later is still doing exactly the same, do you think this person will continue to progress or stagnate? It's the same with relationships, you have to cultivate them, re-negotiate, adapt and evolve with them, therapy is a great opportunity to do this.

I also notice that people think they are going to be judged, or that I am going to take sides in their dispute, and this is not the case. I act as an outside observer, I help them to see their dynamics from the outside, from another prism, and by looking from another point of view, we discover new solutions.

In short, there is no need to wait until things are very bad, even a couple that is in a stable moment can develop tools that will boost the relationship.