Psychology of motherhood

The keys to understanding psychological intervention focused on motherhood.

The month of May marks World Maternal Mental Health Day. A day to raise awareness about maternal mental health problems, with the goal that more women will seek help, receive appropriate treatment and suffer less.

The celebration of this day is quite unknown, but I find it very interesting not so much for the idea of claiming assistance, but for highlighting that the process of desiring a child is a very complex one. the process from wishing for a child until a child comes into the world and a couple becomes parents is not idyllic.. It is an experience that, in addition to expectation and illusion, can bring with it uncertainty, unforeseen events, traumatic events, anguish, ambivalent feelings...

The psychological dimension of motherhood

From the previous desires to conceive a child to the first moments of parenting, there is a great variety of situations that comprise this period:

• A woman who does not know if she wants to be a mother.
• A woman who wants to become a mother but is afraid.
• A woman who wants to be a single mother.
• A woman who wants to be a mother but cannot.
• Two women who want to be mothers.
• Two men who want to be fathers.
• An unplanned pregnancy.
• An interrupted pregnancy.
• A complicated pregnancy.
• A new mother who does not know what to do with her baby.
• A mother or parents with contradictory feelings.
• A couple that is destabilized by the arrival of a child, be it the first, the second, or any number of children.

Clearly I have left out many situations, and there is someone who does not identify with any of the ones I have listed. It would be impossible to list them all, because there are as many reasons for consultation as there are people. But... why would someone who is looking to become pregnant, or is pregnant, or is a new mother, have to consult a professional?

Psychological well-being in the process of becoming a mother.

Everything may go smoothly, or rather, without any surprises, but the person may find himself/herself at a loss, or his/her vital difficulties may be accentuated at that moment, or doubts and fears may overwhelm him/her, to the point of producing suffering that causes him/her to consult a professional.

It can also happen that the events develop with incidences and that overwhelms him, and that is the cause that leads him to consult. The only common thing in all situations is the discomfort, the suffering, and that is already a reason for consultation..

The search for pregnancy, assisted reproduction treatments, conception, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, puerperium, gestational or perinatal mourning, we are talking about a moment of transformation, the woman changes, the couple changes, the family changes.

This implies a readjustment that sometimes becomes complicated. And it is not only that it is necessary to look for a new comfort -a reconfiguration of one's own life-, but also that it is a very fertile moment for fears, ideals, identifications, etc. to appear.that make us live these moments with more shadows than lights.

It is necessary to be able to accommodate the desire to be parents. It is necessary to go through the uncertainty of conception. The experience of pregnancy. And it is necessary to be able to meet the child, because sometimes it is a pure misunderstanding. And prevention is complicated, because a priori we do not know what subjective aspects will be activated in the journey of motherhood. In addition, what happens to the mother and what happens to the father must be taken separately.

Those who come to consult sometimes do so because of a specific issue (doubts about whether or not to be a mother, anxiety during pregnancy, the loss of a baby, postpartum depression...) or because of a discomfort that cannot be located. And what can be observed in many cases is that in addition to this discomfort due to the circumstances, other complexities of the circumstances appear overlapping, other complexities of their character appear overlapped..

What does this specific help consist of?

There are different possibilities to be accompanied in these moments. To be accompanied by an analytical listeningIn addition to being aware of the circumstances and cushioning the anguish, and being able to go through the situation with the greatest possible serenity, it is also an attempt to investigate the relationship, a strange relationship, that one has with oneself. And in this way, resources that we did not suspect we had will appear, and tendencies and repetitions that were directing our life as if it were a destiny will be revealed.

It is an active listening that allows the person to calm down by being able to find some sense, to put into words sensations that were only felt and were not that were only felt and could not find exact words to name them, and also to be able to make a space for what has no explanation.

The psychoanalytic treatment is indicated to identify what is happening, to be able to make decisions, to stop or to continue, but certainly to be able to go on with life. It is very ineffective to console oneself with popular sayings or phrases, such as "that happens to many people", or "you can't be bad if you have just had a baby", or that a loss can be overcome by having another child.

One cannot lose sight of the fact that what a woman who becomes a mother may experience can hinder her relationship with her partner, with her newborn child or with others, may hinder her relationship with her partner, with her newborn child or with others she may have had.. Keeping this in mind is very important when it comes to locating where the problem lies.

Pregnancy and the birth of a child is a rich time when many changes occur: physical changes, changes in position (from woman to mother, from being her mother's daughter to being her baby's mother). It can also be a time when unresolved conflicts are reactivated (such as the relationship between the woman and her baby). (such as the relationship between the woman and her parents, especially with the mother). Or if there is the loss of a baby, a disabling grief may be linked to a previous unresolved grief. It is also a time when everything related to femininity may falter.

And it is not only that behind an overt demand there may be another complexity that appears overlapping. In addition, psychoanalysis opens a space to recognize and tolerate normal feelings of frustration, overwhelm, ambivalence, self-demands and idealizations, which often go unnoticed.

Here is a brief illustration of two simple cases.

Lucia went to therapy after the birth of her second child. Pregnancy, childbirth and the first moments had gone well, and she was happy about it. But there was something that prevented her from enjoying the fact that they were now a family of four. It took several sessions before it became clear to her that she identified with her mother - who had also had two children - and that she was experiencing things as her family of origin would and not as she would herself.

Sandra came to therapy because she was looking for a child and could not get pregnant, and was beginning to consider assisted reproduction treatments. Sandra's extreme dependence on her mother was evident from the beginning, and as the sessions went on it became clear that her desire to be a mother was a desire of her own mother who longed to have a grandchild. Sandra decided to stop everything and give herself some time.