Sexual problems sooner or later end up affecting the couple’.

We interviewed two experts in couple therapy and sexology, members of Instituto de la Pareja.

We often talk about relationship problems as if they were rooted in the incompatibility of ideas, values and philosophies of life.

Although this is partly true, it should not be forgotten that the raison d'être of love bonds is not only at this abstract existential level, but also has to do with more everyday and material elements. The world in which sexuality is lived as a couple is one of them.

In order to know this union between the sentimental and the sexual, we have spoken with Anna Isabel Gil Wittke and José María Carayol Martínezpsychologists and sexologists, members of the management team of Instituto de la Pareja, a therapy and training center for therapists in the city of Murcia.

Interview with Anna Isabel Gil and Jose Maria Carayol: the philosophy of Instituto de la Pareja

Instituto de la Pareja is one of the psychotherapy and sexology centers of reference in the area of Murcia and Torrevieja, being both cities where they have presence. Although in its facilities psychotherapy is performed for all types of patients, this entity specializes in couples therapy and sex therapy. That is why it also has its own 10-month Master's Degree: the Master's Degree in Sexology and Couple Therapy, one of the few in Spain in this field.one of the few in Spain that offers training in these two areas of life that are so closely related: love life as a couple and sexuality.

On this occasion we interviewed Anna Isabel Gil, Director of Instituto de la Pareja, and José María Carayol, psychologist, sexologist and teacher.

How are sexual problems and relationship problems usually related to each other?

Sexual problems sooner or later end up affecting the couple at one level or another, generating conflicts, misunderstanding, distancing, demands, reproaches and a host of fears and fears that if not resolved or well managed, can bring the relationship to a point of maximum tension and even breakup.

In the same way, couple problems also affect sexual relationships making them almost non-existent or using sex as a way to cover up and resolve the conflicts they have. What happens in the sexual relationship affects the couple and what happens in the couple affects the sexual relationship, both are linked in a special and significant way.

And as for the possible psychological causes of sexual dysfunctions, which are the most frequent?

We find several causes that may be at the origin of sexual problems, such as education, learning, bad experiences, etc..

But what we constantly find is that, at the base of all sexual pathologies, what mediates is fear, fear and shame. Fear of pain, fear of failure, shame when undressing, that is, complexes, insecurities and a long etcetera... elements that are part of the most common causes of sexual dysfunctions.

Is it common that in couple relationships there is a certain taboo about sexual dysfunctions when they arise in one of the people involved? Is there usually a lack of communication?

Sexual dysfunctions are often an open secret, both partners are aware that they have a problem, but rarely the issue is addressed with clarity and relaxation in order to find a solution together. What is usually done is to let the matter pass, not talking about it out of shame or fear of hurting, or interpreting the situation in the wrong way and the couple distances themselves, cooling sexual relations and the couple.

On many occasions couples fall into a destructive loop in which they let time go by waiting for the problem to get better and, while waiting, they get desperate and end up exploding by throwing the unresolved sexual situation in their faces. All this only further aggravates the sexual dysfunction.

For all these reasons, communication in these cases is essential, and growing in confidence to talk about our sexual intimacies and share our fears and frustrations is the first step towards recovery.

The best way to address sexual dysfunction is to go to therapy together and receive the support and guidelines necessary to achieve an effective resolution and return to enjoying a fuller and more satisfying sex life.

In the Master's program we talk about the components of love in couple relationships. What are the implications of these elements in psychological therapy applied to couples?

The components of love, intimacy, passion and commitment, are the fundamental ingredients with which the couple is built and grows, without them or with the lack of any of them, the couple will suffer that deficit and will limp on that leg.

Working on the intimacy of the couple is essential for the relationship to grow in friendship and complicity, knowing how to express emotions and connect with each other.

Passion becomes one of the important aspects of the couple, growing in the knowledge of each other and their desires and sexual fantasies will help us to know how to enjoy each other more intensely.

Finally, the commitment and determination to continue fighting and advancing in the construction of love despite the bumps in the road and under the conditions that the couple has established and needs will be a fundamental part of the psychological treatment of the couple.

We know that in the development of the couple it is not enough to want to do things right; you have to know how to do it. That is why at the Instituto de la Pareja we work not to make them love each other more, but to make them love each other better.

Finally... what kind of competencies and skills are those in which psychologists should invest more time and effort when training to provide couple therapy?

The psychologist must be prepared in two fundamental areas to be able to practice well in the clinic. On the one hand, there is the whole area of training and academic competencies that will give you the necessary tools to be able to approach therapeutic cases with the best possible knowledge to treat them.

On the other hand, there are the therapeutic skills of the professionals that do not have to do with academics or training, but with behavioral skills and the ability to connect with the people who come to the practice. The ability to empathize, to listen properly, and to manage all the social skills that mediate between the psychologist and the patient are fundamental for the therapy to be successful. The knowledge and skills of the therapist form an inseparable team that will determine to a great extent the outcome of the therapy.

These two skills have an absolutely practical space in our academic trainings, since, at the Instituto de la Pareja, we try that all training has a practical aspect, so the academic component is reflected in the therapeutic practice in such a way that the psychologist not only knows what to do but also how to do it.