What is resentment and how to fight it?

Resentment is a psychological state that predisposes us to chronic conflicts with other people.

Resentment is a very human and, at the same time, harmful emotion.. It is a feeling of hostility towards someone who has done us, in our opinion, an injustice.

This emotion is not only chronified in the form of hatred towards the person who hurt us, but also brings us discomfort, a Pain that we accept that it affects us, even though we can find a solution to it.

We are going to see what is the rancor, what evil it causes us and how we can stop feeling it, in a healthy and socially adequate way.

What is rancor? General characteristics

Resentment is, without a doubt, a negative emotion. It is, taking its more literal and academic definition, the feeling of hostility, or great resentment, towards someone who has done us some kind of offense or harm. That is, it appears when we feel that someone has behaved badly with us.

Everyone takes things in their own way. Where some hear an innocent comment, others see a terrible offense, generating a lot of anger. We feel hurt by anything and, instead of talking things over or dealing with what we interpret as injustice, we feel a deep hatred for the person who has caused us such unhappiness.

This emotion can be so strong and so bad that, sometimes, it can unbalance us, make us sick both physically and mentally.. To become obsessed with an injustice transforms our mind into a prison and, at the same time, transforms us into executioners. The accumulated resentment leads us to behave in a way very contrary to how we are, wanting to take revenge, losing control. It can certainly make us worse people.

Resentment, as natural as it is harmful

It is normal that, when we feel that someone has treated us unfairly, we feel negative emotions, resentment being among them. The problem is that it can take control of our lives, radically changing our way of being.

As we suggested, everyone is unique and takes things in many different ways. This is why, on more than one occasion, something will happen to us that will awaken this emotion. However, given that resentment can come many times and is almost never beneficial, it is necessary to learn how to manage it..

It is necessary to learn that everything changes, that there are times when good things will happen to us and other times when bad things will happen to us. Life is a constant flow in which we will not always be on a cloud. If we take refuge in resentment, instead of looking for solutions to the harm that has been done to us, we are fanning the flames of bitterness, hatred, tension, bad feelings, feelings that do not allow us to move forward.

Resentment, something so humanly natural is, at the same time, very harmful, a dangerous weapon that unbalances body and mind. It prevents us from enjoying life. It makes offenses, verbal or of any kind, become something almost chronic in our minds.. A comment that hurt us, a few words that the wind has already taken away, are repeated over and over again on the walls of our mind, like an echo in a cave...

What is it good for?

To keep on hating or repeatedly thinking about something that no longer exists makes no sense. As we have already said, the words that the wind has taken away are no longer there. Thinking over and over again about the damage done to us, but not learning to manage the damage we feel, which we inflict on ourselves with toxic thoughts, is the real problem. We have to let go, in a healthy and non-harmful way, of that pain.

We cannot go through the world wishing evil on others.. It sounds obvious, a classic lesson from school, family or church. From an early age we are told not to hurt others, but when someone hurts us, we take refuge in the excuse "it was them who started it", "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth".

But, as Mahatma Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye and the world will end up blind". We cannot hurt those who supposedly hurt us, because hatred is not driven out by hurting. It goes on and on, and can materialize in a spiral of physical and verbal violence that is not at all desirable. It is necessary to extinguish hatred with good intentions and to talk about it.

So, what good is rancor? Actually, it is of little use. It's an obstacle that gets in the way of trying to restore a relationship.. It is that which we interpret as an offense that, with the passage of time and despite the fact that it was extinct, we have kept it cryogenically in our minds. It is a problem, not a solution, in our social relationships. As long as there is resentment, the relationship cannot go back to the way it was.

How to stop feeling resentment

As we have already commented, resentment, although an emotion undoubtedly natural in every human being, is not beneficial to us. That is why there are many people who, despite being trapped in a fervent hatred, try to make an effort to escape from the terrible clutches of this emotion. Resentment harms us, it destroys us physically and mentally. This is why we must find a solution.

The first step is to correctly identify this feeling. It is not the same to be angry because of a small quarrel with someone, an emotion that will eventually fade, than to feel the need to take revenge for what he has done to us. If our imagination does not stop imagining terrible consequences for him and his actions, it is clear that we feel resentment.

Once the emotion has been identified, it is necessary to resort to a powerful tool, more powerful than any other. a powerful tool, more powerful than any revenge we can conceive of: communication.. Talking and expressing to that person why he or she has upset us is a good attempt to get the relationship back on track. Forgiveness is a prosocial act, which helps to stabilize our interactions with others.

However, if it is not possible to talk to the person because he/she is either unwilling or unable to do so, we can try to unburden ourselves, in a healthy way, to another person. Explaining what has happened to us may awaken their empathy, something that will undoubtedly make us feel supported.

A most vital way of coping with life is to accept what has happened, as long as it is not something terribly serious. to accept what has happened, as long as it is not something terribly serious.. Sometimes pain prevents us from accepting things that are already part of the past and that, as we said before, there is no point in thinking about it any more. That person did something bad to us, that's it. Water under the bridge.

However, accepting is not synonymous with forgiving. In addition to accepting what happened to us, we must take decisions and actions to improve the situation. As we have already said, communication is fundamental, especially when it is used to fix the situation and vent in a healthy way.

However, if there is no way to be able to fix the damage that has generated us, either because he/she does not want to or because he/she is not aware of his/her actions, trying to separate ourselves from that person can be a drastic but necessary measure.. In some cases, it is better to be alone than in bad company.

Bibliographical references:

• Kancyper, L. (2003). The memory of resentment and the memory of pain. Intercambios, papeles de psicoanálisis/Intercanvis, papers de psicoanàlisi, (10), 84-94.
• Murphy, J. G. (1982). Forgiveness and resentment. Midwest Studies in Philosophy, 7(1), 503-516.