How do I know if I am emotionally dependent in love?

These are the signs that we are living a situation of emotional dependence in love.

Who hasn't ever felt "hooked" by someone they were meeting or in love with? That feeling that keeping that person close is our main priority?

Sometimes, we can get to feel something like an addiction, not related to a substance or a specific activity, but to a person around us.

What is emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence is defined as: "The extreme need of affective type that a person feels towards another person in his relation with him".

This emotional dependence comes hand in hand with a sense of a lack of self-identity, with a loss of connection between what you feel, need and desire, and with a great lack of personal investment.and with a great lack of personal investment.

Let's see what are the most marked characteristics and beliefs of an emotionally dependent person.

What characteristics of the person are associated with an emotional dependency?

These are mainly the lack of self-esteem (having a negative concept of oneself) but also the lack of assertiveness and social skills when it comes to expressing different opinions, avoiding conflicts?

A person with low self-esteem does not necessarily end up in emotionally dependent relationships, but it is something that makes it more likely.

The warning signs of emotional dependence are the following.

1. Fear of loneliness

This fear is very common among people who have not learned how beneficial it is to be with themselves, to spend quality time alone to listen to themselves, to know themselves and to pamper themselves.to spend quality time alone to listen to themselves, to know themselves and to pamper themselves. We confuse being alone with feeling alone, and it is not the same thing!

Thoughts that give us a clue as to whether we suffer from fear of loneliness would be: "People always abandon me", "I can't be happy without a partner", "Single people are failures and unhappy people"...

2. Fear of breakup, rejection, abandonment

This fear is closely related to the previous one, in so far as a rupture or abandonment on the part of the partner entails being left alone.

When there is a fear of breaking up, we tend to carry out all kinds of behaviors that assure us that this will not happen.. And these types of behaviors are usually submissive in nature: we forget our limits as a sacrifice in favor of maintaining the relationship.

For example, we stop doing things we like because our partner does not share it, even if he or she is perfectly compatible.

In the event of a break-up, this will be denied and and unsuccessful attempts will be made to recover the relationship, which will take much more time and effort.It will take much longer to recover.

Key thoughts in the fear of breakup are:

• Demanding ideas towards oneself such as "I should please and please my partner above all else" "I must be the perfect partner".
• Catastrophic ideas "it would be terrible if he left me, I couldn't get over it".
• Absolutist ideas "she/he is everything to me, I would never get over her/him leaving"
• Necessity ideas "I need him/her like air to breathe".
• Negative anticipations: "what if he/she leaves me...? what if he/she meets someone else?"

3. Control/dominion exercised and received/accepted

It may happen that there are two perfectly complementary roles, the controller and the submissiveIn these cases, the relationships are more durable, because their members need each other.

Typical irrational thoughts of the controlling person have to do with this need for control: "It's horrible when things don't go my way".

On the other hand, the unhealthy thoughts typical of the person who submits have to do with the need for affection. have to do with the need for affection and approval and with perceiving breakup or abandonment as probable:

• Ideas of need: "I need to be with this person", "I need to be loved and approved of by others", "I need someone stronger to depend on", "I need someone stronger to depend on".

• Anticipatory ideas of disaster: "if I don't do what he/she asks me to do, he/she will leave me", "I will be alone".

• 4. Jealousy, desire for exclusivity

  Jealousy is a manifestation of the desire for exclusivity towards the other person and involves several phases: anger, rage, humiliation, anxiety, sadness and depression.

  It is normal to feel jealousy when these are punctual and we do not become obsessed with the idea of infidelity.. They become problematic when they produce hypervigilance and control behaviors that cause the relationship to deteriorate.

  Thoughts revolve around the unjustified suspicion of a possible infidelity, attributing a large number of actions of the other person as proof that he/she cheats or will cheat in the future, for example, when he/she is friendly with third parties or when he/she arrives later than expected.

  5. Disproportionate priority of the partner

  When the partner is ahead, in a long list of vital priorities, of our needs, well-being, dignity or personal projects.If we do not do this, then we run the risk of getting lost.

  We will be devoting an enormous amount of energy to only one area of our lives and there are many!

  6. Self-limitation

  A common belief when we are self-limiting is that "you must give up your personal interests for those of your partner".

  In a healthy relationship both parties include an added value and bring their own interests, hobbies, projects, which must be equally accommodated.. The ideal is that there is a shared space of compatible activities that both like and, on the other hand, that vital space so necessary and personal.

  If you have identified with any of these thoughts and above all, if you think it is a problem that you have been dragging, maybe it is time for professional advice. Learn to live healthier and freer relationships!