How to Detect Emotional Blackmail in Relationships

Characteristics of emotional blackmail that help to detect its presence in a relationship.

One of the main myths about relationships is that those that are successful are those that last longer.

The idea behind this belief is that the ability of a marriage or courtship to make us happy has to do with its stability and persistence. However, the truth is that many relationships last many years and are apparently stable, despite being based on totally toxic dynamics that keep you away from happiness.

This is often reflected in relationships in which emotional blackmail is a constant. There are even situations in which what prevents the breakup or separation is precisely this tendency to blackmail the other person.

With this in mind, in the following lines we will review the main warning signs associated with emotional blackmail in a relationship. the main warning signs associated with emotional blackmail in a couple relationship..

What is emotional blackmail?

Emotional blackmail is a psychosocial phenomenon in which one of the communicative agents offers manipulated information so that the other feels the pressure of having the responsibility of not harming the first. That is to say that distorted versions of the sense of duty are used to generate a feeling of guilt or an emotion of fear of losing something important..

It is a term popularized by the psychotherapist Susan Forward and is normally used when talking about toxic dynamics in friendship, family or couple relationships, which in many cases constitute psychological abuse, being considered a type of violence that does not necessarily produce physical harm to the victim.

As almost all current relationships are established on the idea of commitment and the need to make an effort to keep the bond alive and take care of the other person, emotional blackmail is used to make the victim believe that he/she is obliged to adapt to the demands of his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife.

In other words the system of expectations and roles associated with the concept of "loving relationship" is used. to blur their boundaries and make them appear to cover up unfair and unequal situations as well, passing them off as what is expected from a person who loves the other.

Because of the above, it often takes many months or even years for victims of emotional blackmail in a relationship to realize what is really happening. And that is why it is essential to identify as soon as possible the characteristics of these destructive dynamics.

Warning signs of emotional blackmail in a couple relationship.

One of the characteristics of love relationships is that, by mobilizing our emotions so much, they can lead to situations in which we develop a very biased view of what is happening. Therefore, it is not uncommon for us not to realize how the emotional bond is transforming into a harmful relational dynamic, toxic for one or both people.

In this sense, here you will find a summary of the most frequent identifying signs of emotional blackmail in relationships.

1. Defends that the problem of feeling jealousy is the other person's problem.

Jealousy problems always belong to the person who experiences them.. Remember that the jealousy is based on the fear that to person breaks with the commitment of fidelity to the couple or is exposed to situations that can predispose it to break that commitment; that is to say, that they are given independently of if the other person has given samples of wanting to be unfaithful.

2. It expresses disappointment or frustration when seeing that you want to maintain social life beyond the couple.

This kind of attempt to socially isolate the person is one of the clearest and most serious warning signs, and should be considered as a threat that is part of the dynamics of abuse.

3. Claims emotional support that can only be given from within the partner.

Another form of emotional blackmail is to adopt a role of total dependence in the face of crises, such as the death of a loved one, lack of work... dependence that gives the impression that can only be coped with by having a partner. In other words, the idea that one can help by stepping out of the role of boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is annulled.

4. It makes the other person feel bad about his or her professional progress.

Trying to make someone feel guilty for improving in his or her professional career, even to the point of earning more than the person complaining about it, is another of the usual signs of emotional blackmail.

That is to say, it is claimed in a more or less indirect way that the other person dedicates less time and energy to his work to dedicate it to the couple relationship, but not because there is a lack of time together, but because this difference of "success" between one and the other produces discomfort.

5. He asks that you do not force him to return to live in the bachelorhood.

This is a way of manipulating the other person in order not to break with a couple relationship in spite of the fact that the latter is unhappy in it. It consists of presenting the experience of singleness as a very specific lifestyle in which the other person is incapable of living, despite the fact that there are a variety of ways to live it.It consists in presenting the experience of singleness as a very specific lifestyle in which the other person is incapable of living, despite the fact that there is a practically infinite variety of ways of not having a partner.

The truth is that everyone is capable of being single, and even of being happy without a partner, since human beings are not biologically obliged to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife. There are many other ways to enjoy a full social and emotional life.

6. Places all the responsibility for child rearing on the other person.

In certain heterosexual relationships, it's very typical to use gender roles to try to to use gender roles to try to make sure that the upbringing and education of the children is basically taken care of by the woman.. In other words, all the pressure for the correct development of these children and adolescents (and with it, the well-being of the family) is placed on the person who is being manipulated.

7. It brings up past crises to justify its demands.

Emotional blackmail can feed on past relationship problems, using them as an excuse to constantly demand special treatment that would not be consented to under normal circumstances. It is It is a way of bringing up experiences in which perhaps the manipulated person did something wrong, but which objectively he/she has already repaired.but which objectively they have already repaired. In this type of dynamics, it is acted as if it were impossible to reach a point where those affronts have been 100% repaired, and therefore it is not specified what needs to be done so that both parties can "be at peace".

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you want to have psychological assistance, either through individualized psychotherapy or through couples therapy, please contact us.

At Avance Psychologists we have more than 20 years of experience and we work helping people of all ages, either in person at our center located in Madrid, or by video call from the online therapy modality. Beyond psychological therapy, we also offer services in speech therapy, neuropsychology, sexology, and psychiatry.