María Hernández Mendoza: "The mediator is an expert in calming tempers".

We interviewed María Hernández Mendoza, family therapist at Centro Familiar MOMA.

Personal relationships acquire a more complex and profound dimension when we talk about family relationships. Aspects such as the fact of having lived together for years, of having gone through multiple discussions with more or less success or the expectations generated from the roles of "father", "mother" or "son/daughter" are elements that, many times, facilitate the appearance of conflicts that remain for weeks, months or even years.

Fortunately, there are specialized services to help people resolve family conflicts. In this interview we speak with a professional in this field, the family therapist María Hernández Mendoza..

Interview with María Hernández Mendoza: family mediation and conflict resolution in the family.

María Hernández Mendoza is a social worker and family therapist specialized in systemic family therapy, as well as part of the management team of Centro Familiar MOMA, which is located in Madrid. In this interview she talks to us about conflict resolution in the family environment through mediation.

What exactly is family mediation and how does it differ from other forms of psychological intervention?

Family mediation is the process by which, through dialogue and negotiation, the resolution of conflicts arising between family members is sought. It is based, thanks to the intervention of a professional expert in mediation, on the agreement between all the affected parties to achieve a joint goal that satisfies all parties.

Let's suppose that the main objective of the family mediation has to be summarized in a single sentence. What would it be?

To manage and resolve a family conflict in an equitable and satisfactory manner with the help of a mediator.

What are the types of family conflicts that are most frequently seen among those who attend family mediation sessions?

The most common conflicts are derived from divorce and/or separation processes, especially when there are children in common.

When a couple decides to separate there is a strong emotional burden, given that with the other person they have shared many intimate and daily aspects of life (as well as material), so it can be a difficult road to travel. If there are also children or other family members involved in the conflict, the process becomes more complex as many beliefs, attitudes and alliances or feelings of rejection among all of them are intertwined.

Another major conflict is found in parent-child relationships, especially during adolescence. In reality, a mediating intervention may be needed at any time, since the family is subject to changes inherent to the vital stages. If the family does not have the capacity to adapt to these changes, conflicts will arise.

In what way is it favored that in the sessions fights do not arise that impede the correct communication between the parts?

The mediator is an expert in calming tempers; the first task he carries out is to lower the existing tension between the members of the family so that they can let off steam and be in a position to reason, because when one is in a state of agitation, passion rules and, in a certain way, this incapacitates us to think in a serene way.

This venting has to be done in the best possible way, without falling into generalizations, insults, humiliations or contempt. It is not easy to do, but it can be learned, we have to express our needs and likes in an effective way, we must know how to have a good communication with our loved ones, assertiveness is the key. This will not only have an impact on our personal well-being, but will also improve the way we relate to the rest of the world.

And how is it achieved that all the people involved have the opportunity to express themselves freely, without giving in to pressures?

The mediator facilitates a time for each member to express their feelings with honesty avoiding that they get into arguments or do not respect their turn, the mediation space is a space of tranquility and meeting in which there is no room for personal battles, everyone is committed from the beginning to row in the same direction looking for a common goal.

Let's keep in mind that participation in a mediation process is voluntary, so no one is obliged to attend, on this basis the willingness to collaborate is more present.

More or less, which is the moment in which the family mediation achieves that the relation between the relatives gives a qualitative change for the better?

The moment in which they assume their share of responsibility in the conflict, understand how the other members of their family are feeling and commit to change to achieve a common improvement in the resolution of the problem. Most of the time everyone is suffering, but no one knows it, because it is not said.

Are there key principles or ideas of family mediation that can be used by people without training in the field to manage the discussions they experience in their private lives?

Yes, of course. The key is to communicate through empathy, active listening, respect and mutual collaboration. In short, knowing how to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

We have to learn to behave in a mature way in our relationships. It is difficult for us because we have not been taught to do so from an early age; however, this skill can be learned. When there is good will, much progress is made in relationships, radically changing our outlook.

What aspects of family mediation are most satisfying from the point of view of the professionals who direct and dynamize it?

The most satisfactory thing for the mediator is to verify that his work can produce a positive effect in the family, to see how their attitudes change and the coexistence in the home improves substantially. The best thing about this work is the satisfaction of seeing how the tension has disappeared from their faces, which finally reflect tranquility and well-being, and they transmit to you that their life has taken an important turn in many facets.