Parentification: what is it, types and characteristics of this family problem?

Let's see what parentification is, a problematic role reversal between parents and children.

It is normal for children to be cared for by their parents. Among the roles of parents we find being the emotional support of their children, working, cooking, doing housework, variable depending on how old the child is.

It is true that children should learn certain household chores and help their parents, but this should be done within their possibilities and according to what is expected for their age.

However, there are cases of children and parents who completely reverse their roles, making children play the parents of their own parents, a dysfunctional family dynamic known as parentification.. Let's discover what it is about in more detail.

• Article related: "Family therapy: types and forms of application".

When children act as parents

It is normal for parents to be caregivers and for their children to be cared for by them. Parents are responsible for the financial, emotional and educational support of their offspring, feeding them, putting them to bed, taking them for walks or hugging them when they need it.

Although children can help their parents a little by taking responsibility for some tasks, it is normal and healthy for them to be given the opportunity to live their childhood without too many responsibilities, or at least not more than what is expected for their age.

However, it happens it happens that in some families there are situations and circumstances that lead to an exchange of roles between parents and children.. Children become the parents of their own parents, carrying out many or almost all of the tasks that their parents would be expected to do for them. Children are immersed in a situation in which they have to become what they are not, adults, a phenomenon that can be very big for them and, consequently, mark their childhood and leave a trace when they reach adulthood.

These children, all of a sudden, are forced to become very obedient, attentive children, with a very demanding sense of responsibility for themselves and for others..... The more they have to behave like adults, the more they lose their childlike innocence. Childhood is stolen from them and, most likely, will result in emotional wounds that will limit their personal development. These children acting as parents are victims of what child psychologists and psychiatrists call parentification.

What is parentification?

The term "parentification" was coined by the Hungarian-American psychiatrist Ivan Böszörményi-Nagy.a prominent figure in family therapy. This psychiatrist observed that this phenomenon was very common in dysfunctional families, being an unconscious process by which children end up becoming the parents of their parents, assuming a degree of responsibility greater than that which corresponds to their age and maturity.

It is defined as an unconscious mechanism because it is seen to be very much fed by a very common practice nowadays, a practice that at first glance may seem to be typical of a good parenting style. Nowadays, it is socially accepted to treat children as if they were small adults, in the sense that children are not treated as if they were adults.In the sense that they are not undervalued as much as in previous times, which means that children see their influence increase spontaneously and, within certain levels, educationally in that they can be given a greater degree of responsibility, a challenge that serves them to grow.

However, this situation, which in principle is more flattered than criticized, if it gets out of control or if there is little clarity between the roles of the children and those of the parents, it can degenerate into a dysfunctional situation, an absolute inversion of roles typical of parentification. In this situation, the younger children are in charge of satisfying the physical or emotional needs of their parents and taking care of the rest of their siblings..

Parentification can be even more serious if the parents suffer from a mental disorder, especially personality disorders such as narcissistic, dependent or borderline, and mood disorders such as depression and anxiety disorders. The disorder suffered by one or both parents makes it impossible for them to exercise their parental functions, either because they have an infantiloid and attention-seeking mentality (e.g., depression and anxiety disorders) or because they have an infantiloid and attention-seeking mentality (e.g., depression and anxiety disorders). e.g., narcissistic disorder) or because the symptomatology consumes him/her, making it difficult to do the most basic tasks (e.g., depression).

Types of parentification

Although there are several classifications on the types of parentification, one of the most widespread is the one that gathers the following two modalities of this phenomenon:

1. Emotional

Emotional parentification occurs when parents expect their children to give them emotional comfort, i.e., to reassure them.That is to say, to reassure them when they are upset or to protect them from the emotional consequences of their actions. In this way, they turn their children into their emotional support, but make the younger ones play an active role in their emotional well-being, attending to their needs.

In spite of this, parents who resort to emotional parentification mask this situation behind the denial of their children's reality together with the irrational and distorted justification that they are doing it for their own good.

2. Physical or instrumental

Physical or instrumental parentification is that situation in which children are expected to take care of children are expected to take care of domestic or economic needs, such as food preparation, food preparation, cooking, etc., for their children.such as preparing food, taking care of other siblings or even working, all of which are tasks for parents and never for children.

Of the two types of parentification, physical or instrumental parentification is considered to be the least harmful, except for the situation where children are forced to work because their parents do not see themselves capable of doing so. As a general rule, emotional needs are the most serious for the child's development, since they assume a role that can cause them great stress while their emotional needs are neglected, since they cannot rely on the adult for emotional support. The emotional needs of their parents take excessive prominence.

Consequences of this phenomenon

Although it arises of unconscious form and, in many cases, of totally ingenuous form, the parentificación does not stop being a disturbing phenomenon for the childhood of any child. It is considered violence and psychological abuse, at the very least a type of parental negligence.. Parentalization during childhood has a great impact on the development of the individual's identity and personality, on interpersonal relationships and on relationships with one's own children during adulthood.

It has been found that people who were parentalized in childhood are more likely to develop impostor syndrome in adulthood. This psychological condition is characterized by experiencing a deep personal insecurity, even having achieved great achievements and successes, attributing the good things that happen to them not to their effort or know-how, but to mere strokes of luck, extrinsic factors beyond their control.

Does parentification have benefits?

As we have seen up to this point, parentification has a profound effect on the adulthood of the person who was victimized as a child. Their emotional wounds run deep, generating insecurities, fears and the feeling that they never really had the chance to be a boy or girl. These emotional consequences not only affect parentified children once they are adults, but also have repercussions on their intimate relationships, their partners and even their own children.

However, there are those who suggest that this phenomenon, which we should not forget is considered psychological abuse and neglect, could be beneficial in some cases. The reversal of parent-child roles may be rewarding for the child's safety needs, as long as he or she perceives the child's need for security.The child may perceive the situation of having to take on more responsibilities as a sign of recognition and gratitude on the part of his or her parents.

Some have suggested that higher levels of emotional parentification lead to higher levels of interpersonal competence in some cases. As children learn things that would normally be learned later in life for their age, they develop some independenceThey develop certain independence, skills and abilities without so many obstacles in the way, simply because they have had to do it. This could have a positive impact on their adult life, making them better prepared for life and less fearful of having to take on new responsibilities.

However, despite these supposed advantages that parentification may bring, all indications are that the benefits are minor, all indications are that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.. We must understand that each stage of life has its own developmental patterns and characteristics, and in the case of parentification these are not respected. Children are children, and they should do children's things. If their childhood is not properly respected, they may end up suffering alterations in their physical, emotional, intellectual and social development.

What we can extract from all this is that parentification is one more phenomenon that reminds us of the importance of the bonds between parents and children, of how their development can influence throughout a lifetime. Parentification is a situation typical of a dysfunctional family and, as such, psychological therapy will be required for it to be properly identified and treated. We must think about the mental health and development of the children, and make sure that they continue to do what is expected of them, childish things.