Second-hand stress: how it affects us, causes, and how to manage it

Some of our personal relationships can cause us secondhand stress. What to do?

Stress is an emotion with which we are all familiar. There are many situations that cause us stress, an emotion that we generally experience because of something that affects us directly.

However, it also happens that we can be stressed simply because someone around us is stressed. As with yawning or laughter, stress is contagious and it can happen that even the calmest person in the world can become stressed because a friend is overwhelmed.

This acquired emotion has been called second-hand stress, just like the smoke we breathe in.The same as the smoke we breathe when we have a smoker nearby. Let's take a closer look at why we get this emotion.

What is secondhand stress?

We have all heard that, even if we are not the ones who smoke, getting secondhand smoke from tobacco is almost as harmful as smoking. Well, some say that the same rule applies to stress, even if we are not the ones experiencing it first-hand.

This type of emotion is known as secondhand stress, and has been defined as the vulnerability to secondhand stress. has been defined as the vulnerability to pick up on the stressful state of others, catching their nervousness and emotional discomfort..

It is not uncommon. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another because, whether we like it or not, it is inevitable to be affected by the mood of others. Just spend a few hours with that coworker who gets overwhelmed as soon as he has a delivery, that friend who always seems to be on edge, or that sister who perceives everything as a constant threat.

Other people's negative emotions can upset us, something that is not without evidence of our human and empathetic nature but also very annoying.

It seems that experiencing stress second-hand makes some Biological sense.. From a neurological and phylogenetic perspective, catching the stress of others is actually an adaptive mechanism that allows us to sense danger. When we see that someone is upset, we deduce that they are upset because there is a threat, which can also harm us and should therefore be avoided. Therefore, we empathize with that person, experiencing the same emotion to act accordingly.

The problem is that, while this mechanism must have had great utility in times past, today it seems to have become a handicap, something that rather than a protective mechanism is a danger to our mental health. Second-hand stress, on many occasions, is an unnecessary suffering arising from the mismanagement of someone else's negative emotions.. Living with someone who does not handle stress properly can end up splashing us and hurting us.

Causes

It is inevitable to talk about mirror neurons and empathy when addressing why secondhand stress occurs. Empathy is responsible for us tuning into the emotions of others, and is even what makes us yawn when we see (or even hear) someone yawn or laugh. Empathy is the mechanism that makes us sensitive to the emotions of others, both the good ones and those that involve suffering, as is the case of stress.

Non-verbal communication also generates emotional contagion, since, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and this is also transferred to the field of emotions. Sometimes it is only necessary to pass through a room where people look exhausted, angry or stressed (for example, a subway car, a morgue ...) to end up infecting us with those emotions, without them telling us at any time what has made them feel that way or even tell us that they feel that way.

With this understood, we can see that second-hand stress is the effect that being around someone who is emotionally tense has on our nervous system.. And we say that it has an effect on the nervous system because, in fact, being around nervous people makes our body produce more cortisol, the famous stress hormone.

How does this psychological phenomenon appear?

Strange as it may sound, sometimes we behave so automatically that we are not even aware of our emotions. It often happens that, after a while of doing things by pure inertia, we stop for a moment and realize that we are not feeling well emotionally. But at the moment we become aware of our emotions, it is frankly difficult for us to identify what is causing them.

This is why second-hand stress affects us without us realizing it, but it does not make us any less energy-sucking. This discomfort is especially intense after we have spent time with one of the sources of stresssuch as a boss, a colleague, a family member, a partner... Our energy fades and negative emotions take over.

It is especially relevant the partner, because if she suffers from high anxiety, it is very difficult for us not to feel affected by her emotions, especially considering that she is a person who matters a lot to us.

But in these times it also happens that people we do not know influence us emotionally. In a hyperconnected world it is almost inevitable not to be infected by the stress of individuals who, even if they are on the other side of the world, change our mood by sharing their traumatic stories, the experience of a situation of discrimination or social criticism. It is difficult to maintain a positive mood if we see that in the world there are many misfortunes and, although we are not victims of them, it is inevitable to feel discomfort for these people..

How to manage second-hand stress

When stress is not managed properly, it ends up taking its toll on us physically and psychologically. For this reason, just as we protect ourselves from a smoker's cigarette smoke, we must also protect ourselves from other people's stress. To be honest, it's a complicated thing to do, but it is an exercise of the utmost necessity in order to enjoy better mental health..

1. A flexible mind in the face of stress

Stress is not always pathological, in fact, it is a normal response of our brain to events that overcome us and that it is necessary that we put ourselves in motion to overcome them. It is inevitable to experience it from time to time, but it is not healthy for it to become part of our daily lives.

To protect ourselves from it, it is necessary to develop a flexible mind in the face of stressful environments and other negative emotions..

We must make a conscious effort to avoid becoming impregnated with the frustration and discomfort of others. It is good to feel compassion for others, but we cannot make their emotional suffering an inseparable part of our lives. We already have our own problems, so what's the point of adding new ones that have little to do with us?

We can encourage that person to learn to manage their stress better or help them get rid of the source of discomfort, but we cannot allow something that affects another person and that we cannot solve to end up affecting us.

Let us limit ourselves to feeling compassion for those who are going through a rough patch, establishing a barrier of emotional containment between them and us. Sympathizing with these people is an act of empathy, an act of humanity, but it will prevent their problems from harming us..

2. Protecting yourself from other people's stress to help them better

If our friend, partner, co-worker, sibling or any other person important to us suffers a lot of stress, it is not going to do us any good for us to suffer with them. As we said, the best thing to do is to feel compassion, but not to let ourselves fall into their well of discomfort. If we want to help the person we love, instead of allowing ourselves to be affected by their stress, we must be strong and avoid making their discomfort our own.

What we must do is to reverse the direction of the influence, that is, that we are the ones who influence that person and motivate him/her to look for a solution and learn to manage his/her emotions.. Those who suffer need support and a little push to solve their lives, not that others fall into the same loop of negativity.

3. Applying ecpathy

This is where we introduce a peculiar word: ecpathy. This is not the opposite idea to empathy, but rather a complement. It is the correct management of the emotions that are transmitted to us, the voluntary process of excluding feelings, attitudes, thoughts and motivations induced by others.

Ecpathy allows us to apply an adequate mental containment from which to connect with others without falling into their web of negativity.. It serves as a psychological balance to protect us from unwelcome foreign emotions without preventing us from connecting with the emotional state of the people we care about.

4. Create positive antibodies

A good way to prevent other people's emotions from ruining our day is to find actions that neutralize the negative effects of the person under stress.. For example, instead of responding to their stress with similar stress, we can offer a smile, a sympathetic gesture, or try to talk positively about their appearance or what they have done.

It is advisable to avoid initiating conversations in a negative key, such as "I'm desperate with so much work" or "I'm so overwhelmedfor example "I'm desperate with so much work" or "I'm so overwhelmed", replacing them with more positive statements such as "I like talking to you" or "How good is the coffee today" and the like. The best way to counteract negativity is with positivity.