Self-demands: how ’shoulds’ can give way to anxiety

What are self-demand issues and how can they lead to excessive anxiety?

Our self-esteem is almost never static; it always exists in a tension between what we are and what we should be. This is entirely natural and even positive; in fact, it is a large part of what makes us able to feel motivated by many of the things life has to offer.

However, when we "go overboard" with these self-demands, we usually develop emotional problems or even stop being able to move towards our goals.

In this article we will see how self-demands can negatively affect us when we do not manage them well, and how these kinds of situations give rise to emotional problems.and how these kinds of situations lead to a rise in our level of anxiety.

When do self-demands become problems?

It is often said that what distinguishes us from the rest of the animals is our ability to reason from what we observe in our environment and produce thoughts of a high level of abstraction. However, this is debatable.

In fact, beyond this idealized vision of the Homo sapiens as a being capable of thinking on its own, there is another, somewhat more prosaic reality: if we are able to think in such complex and nuanced ways, it is because we are able to live integrated in societies of enormous size, which are relatively stable, and relatively stable.societies, which are relatively stable, and in which ideas are constantly flowing. And this implies that human existence is linked to the need to constantly follow a large number of rules, both written and unwritten, that make coexistence possible.

This tendency to live immersed in social dynamics full of rules means that we do not even see them as something external to us; in many cases, we internalize these types of behavioral guidelines, and when we value ourselves and shape our self-esteem, we do so in the light of a series of self-demands: we compare our real "I" with the "I" that we should be.according to our most fundamental beliefs and values.

Even if we have enough resources that we don't have to go to great lengths to attain the most basic resources, in most cases we set moral guidelines for ourselves, lines that separate what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable behavior, going beyond what is necessary to comply with the law. We seem to limit ourselves unnecessarily, but we do not; it is part of our tendency toward adopting a collaborative mindset. We want to be respected and accepted by the vast majority of people, including ourselves.

But carrying one demand after another is no guarantee of being at peace with ourselves. Not only because there comes a point when the effort exhausts us; in addition, the fact of aspiring to meet overly ambitious requirements can be used to hide certain insecurities, and to neglect some aspects of our lives with the excuse of being "too focused" on becoming what we theoretically care about becoming. This kind of imbalance leads us directly to problems due to excessive anxiety..

Elements of self-demand that give rise to anxiety.

These are the factors that can cause self-demands to give rise to an anxiety problem.

1. A self-esteem that is too anchored to social pressure.

Some people are only able to value themselves insofar as they are able to conform to a series of highly conventional stereotypes and expectations that society has imposed on their identity. This is also reflected in a lack of assertiveness when it comes to expressing what one thinks and wants for oneself..

A clear example of this can be found in gender roles and their influence on many women, who even if they have a paid job, strive to do most of the household chores in order to avoid the stigma of falling outside the concept of "femininity".

Of course, it cannot be said that in these cases the problem lies only in the way these people manage their emotions and their way of aspiring to be someone better; there are social dynamics that go beyond the individual and give rise to many "shoulds" that are too rigid.

2. Self-demands used to not to face other problems

They are not rare the cases of person that load on their backs a great amount of responsibilities in a certain area of their life as long as they do not have to make to responsibilities of another type. Although doing so implies throwing time and effort into a bottomless pit (since they have no notion at what point they are sacrificing too much to achieve their goal), they feel that at least it brings order to their lives by creating a routine on which all their attention is focused..

3. Accumulation of self-demands so as not to adopt a strategic vision.

This is a phenomenon that occurs mostly in people with little experience in a type of work or project: they try to be constantly doing things, in a desperate attempt to compensate for their lack of judgment about what works and what doesn't work.. As time goes on, the level of anxiety increases as they do not see positive results.

4. Distrust of the idea of delegating

Another source of anxiety through excessive self-demanding appears in people who do not consider delegating tasks, because they systematically take for granted that not assuming any risk of this type is part of their responsibility.. It occurs especially in those who have developed a level of perfectionism that becomes dysfunctional.

5. Belief that health is disconnected from performance.

Finally, another way to suffer problems due to poor management of self-demands has to do with understand that our health and our responsibilities are two distinctly separate elements.. This kind of thinking causes, for example, many people to sacrifice many hours of sleep per week in order to be able to carry more work.

Of course, this belief is erroneous; in fact, our ability to concentrate is seriously affected within a few hours as soon as lack of sleep or excessive stress begins to set in.

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