What is emotional dependence and how is it expressed?

A reflection on emotional dependence and its link with attachment in relationships.

First of all, to understand what emotional dependence is we have to talk about dependence plain and simple. Y when we talk about dependence we talk about attachment.

Attachment is not only a psychological theory. From Vínculo Psicología we understand attachment as a way of life and a way of understanding relationships and bonds. Attachment is not only in psychology, it is in our lives constantly..

The characteristics of attachment

What is attachment? Attachment is synonymous with dependence, attachment, being in contact with others in order to survive. Since we are little, and it is what we have in common with animals (among other things), our basic need is to feel safe, protected, and to be in contact with others in order to survive.

This need is healthy, basic, universal and we cannot deny it. Dependence on others is essential at certain times in our lives, especially when we are children.

What happens when our primary caregivers (parents, grandparents...) cannot provide us with these basic needs, or do not do so consistently? We may develop an insecure attachment style. That is, we do not learn to depend healthily on our parents.

That lack of security will lead to unstable relationships as adults. Relationships that we will live with a lot of anguish but from which we will not be able to get out. We will need them at all costs.

The constant need to to be linked to someone, without being able to regulate ourselves alone, and to live alone when we want to.and to live alone when we need to, is what we call emotional dependency. It is like an addiction, but to people.

What factors generate emotional dependence?

As we have already pointed out, an insecure attachment style is the one that leads to emotional dependence. Here is an example.

A girl grows up in a traditional family. This girl's name is Clara. She has 2 brothers. Her mother does not have time to share between the 3 siblings and is not clear how to tune in emotionally with her daughter. Her daughter sometimes feels sad, because she plays alone, and mom is always either working or making food for her and her siblings.

This mother, in turn, comes from another mother (the child's grandmother) who is very unloving. Therefore, she did not learn to receive affection, so she does not give her daughter many hugs and kisses. In addition, her father is away from home all the time, so the child feels increasingly lonely. The father always brings home a treat to compensate for this absence, and the child is very happy. This child, as an adult, will have internalized a very great fear of being alone, because that is how she felt at home and no one could support her.

Moreover, the explanation this child gave for this is that she deserved to be alone, because her mother was a bit cold and distant. her mother was a bit cold and distant and this had to be because she had something wrong inside her, she didn't deserve love. A child would rather tell herself a thousand times that she is bad and not get angry with her mother because she is not loving and break that bond. Let's remember that when we are small we only think about surviving and maintaining bonds at all costs, disconnecting ourselves from emotions that endanger that bond, such as anger, fear, sadness for feeling alone....

What kind of bonds will this adult maintain in the future and how?

• Men who are distant, cold and who value material things, such as her father.
• Men who are apparently independent, strong, not very vulnerable, but at the same time caring, perhaps men older than her. The girl needs security, and apparently this style of man can give it to her.
• She will relate in the bonds from the fear of abandonment, that the other will leave, that she will be left alone, etc. This will provoke behaviors of emotional dependence: control, anguish at the slightest sign of distance (such as not giving a good morning message), the need to be constantly valued, etc.

Clara's problem is that she continues to fixate on cold, emotionally distant men, who are strong and tough.. She believes that these men will "transform" and give her all the love and recognition she didn't get from her parents. And she will continue to tell herself that men don't give her that love because there is something wrong with her and she doesn't deserve love. Because in the end, those men always end up leaving her alone. Clara is choosing to repeat her history unconsciously in an attempt to solve it. Paradoxical as well as fascinating, isn't it?

So we see that Clara is projecting her family history onto her partner.. Clara thinks she falls in love with these men. But she only falls in love with what she always lacked: security, recognition, unconditional love, affection... Because when we talk about love, we talk about attachment, not this erroneous romantic myth that society has told us.

Therefore, Clara's unfulfilled childhood need makes her stay in attachments that do not end up filling her so that the story changes. History that she could not change in childhood because she prioritized the attachment to herself. And that is fine, as all children do. Because alone we cannot survive. We have to do it in a herd, like animals.

But what about when we are adults, why don't we let go of that relationship? Precisely, and taking the previous example as a reference, because of this. Because we think that we are not enough and that we will not find someone better, because we are terrified of loneliness as we were in our childhood.Because we are terrified of loneliness as we were in our childhood, because we keep waiting for that partner (who in the end are the conflicts of our parents) to change and give us what should have belonged to us?

The partner is only a reflection of the first conflict that appeared in our childhood. And this is emotional dependence. It is a cage. It is a prison. It is a concrete wall. A wall with which we fight trying to change and mold at our whim.. We try to change our partners and that only hurts us, leaving us destroyed.

Emotional dependency is a child's bonding needs not covered in an adequate way.

How do I know I have emotional dependency?

First, by recognizing and accepting that we have emotional dependency.. It can occur especially in relationships, but also with our parents and friends.

Do you feel not valued in your relationship? Do you feel that you would like to change the other person? Do you have moments of very intense anger, despair or sadness...? Do you feel that the other person is everything and that if he/she left you you would die? Do you feel not valued in the relationship? Do you tend to choose narcissistic, selfish, cold, distant, immature, or overprotective men? Have you felt the absence of your parents or on the contrary a very fusional bond with one of them? Have you left and returned to your relationship several times? Do you suffer from very intense emotions in your relationship as if you were on a roller coaster (anxiety, emptiness, obsessive thoughts, idealization and hatred towards your partner...)? Do you feel mistrust towards your partner? Do you wish you could change your partner? Have you suffered any type of physical or psychological abuse?

These are some of the questions you can ask yourself to see if you have emotional dependence or not.

How to heal emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence, as we have seen, is an attachment problem. It is an attachment disorder. Therefore, it has to be healed with a person who it has to be healed with a person who has a secure attachment style.. Healthy attachment with a therapist who generates security, autonomy and independence is the best psychological treatment.

Emotional dependency is linked to attachment, and therefore to the attachment and/or hidden traumas that we described in a similar article.

So a good way to heal it is to a good way to heal it is to go to its rootsto our childhood. For this purpose, we will examine the first bonding relationships with the parents, dynamics, transactions, emotional management, space and play times with the child, etc.

Subsequently, we will work on the memories that gave rise to this emotional dependence.. In the case that we gave as an example, we would heal the memories that have to do with the feeling of loneliness of that child. Once we go through this mourning, we close it. If there is no fear of loneliness, there will be no need to choose a partner from that emptiness, nor to stay in relationships that do not suit us. We will choose a partner based on our values, needs, common projects, skin, etc.

We will also work on the relationships we currently maintainWe will also work on the relationships we currently have: how to set limits, tools to be more autonomous, to value ourselves more, etc.

We can't forget that each person has his or her own history and it is different, that's why we have to review it in therapy. Clara's story is one of many.

But we could also find the story of Mateo, who always lived by and for a mother who had lost her husband since he was 6 years old... So he became a kind of partner for his mother. Nowadays he has a woman who is like his mother, older, directive, who tells him what to do, etc. But neither he, nor she (whose childhood role was a caretaker of her siblings as an adult child), enjoys a partner relationship. It looks like a mother and son relationship....

And, not only this, but Mateo has finally got this couple, after years without having been with any girl, because for him the essential thing was his mother, and his mother didn't like any of his girlfriends...

What is your story? Do you want to get out of emotional dependence for good? Bond with me and Vínculo Psicología in a healthy and loving way. We are waiting for you.