4 keys to manage joint custody

Tips on how to deal with shared custody in an emotionally healthy way.

Love is essential to understand human society. People tend to group together at different levels, as we are social and political animals by nature. No matter how much a human being rejects contact or intimacy, it is very difficult (or impossible) to never feel affection for another entity of the same species, be it romantic, passionate, fraternal or all the variants you can think of.

In its first stages, falling in love has a very important physiological charge. When we feel physical and emotional attraction for a person, the brain releases phenylethylamine, a neurotransmitter that promotes the secretion of dopamine and norepinephrine. These hormones have a similar effect to that of amphetamines and other drugs and, therefore, cause us to experience a state of natural euphoria when we are with our partner.

Over time, this powerful physiological infatuation gives way to a much more rational and considered feeling, characterized by the appreciation of the other person, the bond over time and gratitude for what has been built together over the years. However, it is common that in these stages the spark is lost, misunderstandings arise and divorce is considered. At this point, it is necessary to know the keys to manage shared custody if the coexistence stops being positive for both parts.

What is shared custody?

First of all, we want to make clear a basic idea: in itself divorce is not bad. For example, in Mexico City, 41 out of every 100 couples get divorced: this is not an indication that things are going badly or a disastrous news, as it simply exemplifies that individual freedoms and the capacity for self-determination are increasingly in force in today's society.

Joint custody is the legal situation whereby both parents exercise custody of their minor children after separation, on an equal footing in terms of conditions, rights and duties over the offspring. The final objective of a shared custody is the understanding between both parties, in order to distribute equally between the parents the material and affective needs of the children.

This modality is very different from other modalities of the ones raised during a divorce process. For example, in split custody, one parent takes primary care of part of the offspring, while the other parent takes primary care of the remaining children. This is not recommended, as it is inevitable that the child will develop more affection (or conflicting emotions) for the person with whom he or she lives on a day-to-day basis.

On the other hand, Birds nest custody (for lack of a better translation) explores the idea that the child does not move out of the same home at any time, but that it is the parents who come to the home on an equal basis. As an advantage over other options, this gives the child stability and a sense of belonging to a domicile.

In a usual shared custody, it is the child who must settle in the parental homes, ideally at fixed time intervals that suit the parental needs and family dynamics. Here are a few key points to keep in mind in order to address this logistical and emotional challenge in the best possible way.

1. Choose a schedule with your ex-partner.

The first step after choosing a divorce and custody model is always to get organized. There are several adjustments in the routine that can be implemented to divide the time of parental exercise, but the most common are the following:

• Weekly split: one of the simplest. The children spend one week with the father and one week with the mother.
• Bi-weekly split: two weeks with the father and two weeks with the mother. This can give the child a greater sense of stability.
• 2-2-3: two days of the week with the mother, two with the father and the remaining three days (weekends) rotated between the two. Although more time-consuming, it gives the infant the opportunity to communicate and experience more immediately with each parent.
• 2-2-5-5-5: two days with the father, two days with the mother and then five with each.
• 3-4-4-3: a similar idea to the previous one, but with the numbers slightly changed.
• Weekly scale (4-3): the child spends weekdays with one parent and Friday through Sunday with the other. Not ideal, but sometimes the work situation requires it.

As complicated as all this may sound, it is worth noting that there are free access calculators on the Internet (such as this one: https://justice.oregon.gov/calculator/parenting_time/) that will allow parents to obtain the schedule that best suits them and, at the same time, to share equally the responsibilities towards the children. Don't despair and ask for help if you find yourself overwhelmed by the situation.

2. This is no time to fight

Unless your ex-partner is engaging in illegality or performing acts that infringe on your freedom or that of your children, you must understand that everyone has his or her own way of conceiving parenting and that all parents are free to exercise their values as they see fit, as long as they do not step on each other's values.

Some sources consider that coercing children to take a position in favor of one of the parents is an act of psychological abuse.. Manipulation entails a violation of the human right to freedom of conscience, because directly or indirectly the child is being blamed for feeling appreciation for the other party. As you will understand, this is inadmissible, much less in a moment of psychological vulnerability (as is the process of divorce).

3. The protagonists of the custody are not the parents

Divorce causes "tunnel vision", a phenomenon that affects the ability to perceive environmental stimuli.The emotion is so intense and unpleasant for the parents that they may forget the perception and processes of those around them. This is to some extent normal, as we all have the right to feel vulnerable and selfish when something affects us in a profound way. In any case, grieving should give way to rationality over time.

It may sound a bit belligerent, but let's be clear: divorce is about the parents, but custody is about the children.. In this scenario, it is necessary to leave personal Pain and ego behind and work towards a common good for the offspring. Once it is decided to take a different path with the ex-partner, the protagonists for a while become the children, at least until the situation stabilizes.

4. It never hurts to seek psychological help

To close this topic, it is worth noting that a father does not become a superhuman or a reference as soon as his child steps on earth. We have been taught that paternal and maternal figures (especially the latter) are perfect, tireless, do not make mistakes and give their lives for their offspring. and give their lives for their offspring. This is not so in any case: we are human beings and, as such, flawed and sometimes selfish by nature.

For this reason, it never hurts to seek psychological help if the process becomes complicated and one of the parents is overwhelmed by the situation. Sometimes, an external, professional and objective vision is necessary to guide each party separately to achieve a common good: that the children can continue to be happy despite the changes.