7 keys to connect with your teenager

Key ideas to connect communicatively with your teenager and give him/her support.

One of the phrases that those of us who work with families hear the most is "My son/daughter doesn't listen to anything I say". Does this phrase ring a bell? Do you identify with it?

If you have a teenager at home you know that it is not easy to communicate with them.that they listen to everyone who gives them advice but you, that you often have to ask them to do things dozens of times to get them to do them - if they do them at all. But you should know something: it's not about you, so don't take it personally.

However, those of us who are mothers or fathers of teenagers worry about the fact that they don't explain things to us, what's on their minds, their fears, their problems.... We feel that they are light years away from us and from themselves. We see them sad, apathetic, unmotivated? desperate and with episodes of anxiety. Often our concern turns to fear. We want to help them and we do not know how.

Keys to raising responsible and purposeful adolescents.

We all see how complicated reality is right now, socially and professionally. Today's young people have no guarantee that jumping through the hoops of the academic system will pay off or ensure a successful future.

So much effort and time invested in the classroom to end up working delivering pizzas? If we think about it this way, we can understand their despair, their lack of motivation, their sadness, their lack of self-confidence, and their insecurity. These emotions lead to behavioral problems, alienation, addictions or self-destructive behaviors.

And although it may seem like a dramatic context, we must know that we can help them to revert this situation with simple tools of mental change that will allow them to see the light again, regain confidence, motivation and enthusiasm for their own future.They will regain confidence, motivation and enthusiasm for their own future. And that, at the end of the day, is noticeable in their behavior.

If you want to discover some resources to help your teenager, read on.

1. Regain confidence

The first step is to win back their trust.. Although we may have had a very close relationship with our children in their childhood, there can be a noticeable distancing when they enter adolescence. This is a consequence of the process of building their identity. Knowing that there are Biological reasons that favor this distancing, the more we will have to make an effort to recover that trust.

Trust is the basis so that when they need our help they will be able to ask for it, at any time in their lives. And that is exactly what allows us people to get ahead when we are on the edge of the abyss.

Start by not talking about your children's things with others, or at least not letting them know about them, and at least not in a derogatory manner.What would you think of a friend of yours who tells your most intimate secrets to the four winds?

2. Respect their things, their space, their intimacy.

Respect, because respect is earned by respecting. If we want to be treated with respect we have to treat them with respect and treat ourselves with respect.

We have established communication patterns that unconsciously lead us to disrespect when our children make mistakes.Who hasn't gone into the bathroom and found the towels on the floor, the hairdryer on the sink and your angry face in the mirror? At that point you would scream and yell and swear a few times, but that only weakens the bond of trust and makes it more likely that the situation will happen again.

The best thing to do then is to bite your tongue and ask yourself: "If instead of my daughter leaving the bathroom like that, it was my best friend, how would I tell her? Remember that in a very short time she will be an adult, and the relationship you build today will not only determine the relationships she will have tomorrow, but also the relationship between you.

Respect also their space, their intimacy. We don't have to know everything they do, everything they say, everything they think. It is not necessary when the relationship is based on trust.

3. Offer to help them and help them when they ask for it

Help them when they ask for help, even when you know they can do it themselves. Sometimes it's just to check that you'll be there if something serious happens. Like the 4-year-old who asks for water when he's in bed. It's not that he's thirsty, he just wants to know what you're going to go if he calls you. And if you don't go when he calls you for water, the child will obviously believe that you won't help him either if a monster comes out from under the bed. And there we have the insecurities then. With teenagers, let them know that they can do it on their own - and that we know it - but that we help them because we want to and because we love them..

4. Add humor

Because laughing is fundamental, because sometimes it is the best way to deal with very serious issues. In fact, serious is not the opposite of serious, serious is not the opposite of funnyThe opposite of funny is boring. Laugh at yourself, at your own mistakes; take the heat out of the dramas and look for the funny part, especially when it's hardest. Laugh at their jokes, even those you don't understand, and join in. Laughter generates endorphins and serotonin, which make the brain work better (and that in adolescence does not hurt).

5. Use positive language

Always look for the good side of things and teach your children to do it too.Ask them about the lessons they learn from even the worst situations. In the face of any seemingly negative circumstance, ask the following question: what opportunity does this situation give you?

6. Focus on solutions

We tend to waste a lot of time talking about problems, about what we have done wrong, about mistakes, about difficult circumstances... we do it with ourselves, but also with others. Resilience is precisely the ability to move forward despite difficulties, and is educated in the simple circumstances of everyday life from childhood, helping children to generate solutions to any situation that is apparently a problem.

In order to educate their resilient look, we must act as resilient people, focusing on the solution when they come to us with a "problem".. Think of a situation that could be an "everyday problem", whether it is that he has left his backpack at school, that he has had a fight with a classmate or that he has failed a subject. In any situation, instead of reprimanding, say, "Okay, how do you deal with it? Do you need me to help you with something?

This way, not only does he not feel judged, but he also learns that making mistakes is part of life and that the best attitude to live it is to look for solutions and assume one's own actions. Responsibility and resilience, two of the most necessary life skills in today's world.

7. Stop putting limiting labels on your child

Many of the parents I work with tell me that the benefits of changing that are noticeable after a few days. And just think: how would you feel if the people who supposedly love you the most, constantly told you that you are messy, useless, stupid, dull, dull, vicious, deaf, sensitive, grumpy, stressful, heavy...? I could go on, but it hurts too much already.

Not only are we in danger of weakening the bond of trust and the relationship with our children, but we are damaging their own self-concept, which influences their self-esteem.which influences their self-esteem and is still under construction.

With the application at home of these resources we improve the relationship we have with our teenagers, we favor the creation of a balanced self-esteem and the construction of healthy relationships, which will determine the type of relationships they will have in adult life.

On our website you will find many more resources to learn how to use the tools efficiently. Educate yourself before it's too late.