Agamy: a way of living relationships that is as free as it is challenging

Neither the relationship of lovers nor polyamory have to be the freest way of living affection.

With the passing of the decades and the expansion of welfare societies, new ways of loving have appeared. If it used to be practically an obligation to marry a person of the opposite sex and have children (or to dedicate the and to have children (or to dedicate one's life to a god), today the creation of affective bonds is much freer.

Homosexual marriage, for example, means that regardless of sexual orientation, people have the same rights when it comes to getting married, while the option of not having a partner is becoming more and more socially accepted (although there is still a certain stigma attached to single women of a certain age). Moreover, in recent years, proposals such as polyamory or relational anarchy have begun to question the idea of romantic love and traditional monogamous couples.

However, for some people there is still a long way to go to achieve that freedom in the affective life is something really present in our societies. It is from this type of position that the concept of agamy has emerged, an idea as revolutionary as it is controversial. agamy, an idea as revolutionary as it is controversial..

What is agamia?

Agamia is, fundamentally, the absence of what is called gamoswhich is a union between two people with marriage as a reference point.. In courtship, for example, it is an example of gamosas it is culturally seen as a prelude to marriage, but there are many other similar cases.

For example, the relationship between two lovers, who are not formally considered a couple, is also gamos. gamosIn the vast majority of cases. Why? Because they cannot remain indifferent to the possibility that one or the other person may seek to formalize the relationship, and they accept this possibility as something normal, which should condition the way they behave towards each other. At the end of the day, sex is not something alien to the gamosRather, it is what has given rise to its existence.

Something as simple as feigning disinterest in the other person in specific cases, for example, is often a way of trying not to give the image of a person in love: courtship and marriage act as background noise against which one has to position oneself.

Thus, the advocates of agamy are accustomed to criticize the idea of polyamory, pointing out that, in practice, polyamory pointing out that, in practice, it is a way of loving with the traditional dynamic relationship as a point of reference. In the end, all kinds of names and labels are established to define each of the forms of polyamory according to the degree to which they resemble the traditional monogamous couple, pointing out types of commitments that only make sense if they have internalized the romantic love-based departures.

The relational standard of marriage

From the point of view of agamy advocates, our way of looking at love is conditioned by the strong cultural rootedness of marriage as a way to regulate affective life. For example, when we refer to the world of emotions, the word "relationship" speaks to us of a love bond typically based on romantic love, of which marriage has always been the ultimate expression.

To refer to other types of affective bonds, it is necessary to add adjectives, specifications that make it clear that what we are talking about is not exactly a couple in love: friendship, professional relationship, etc. Marriage continues to be the axis of affective relationships.It is impossible to ignore it. At the same time, these kinds of bonds based on the gamos create norms in all other relationships: there is adultery, for example, seen as a violation of the norms in a relationship not formalized through marriage, or the poor social acceptance of being attracted to someone who is married.

In other words, it is considered that there is only one possible choice: o agamia, which is the rejection of any relational standard in the affective (because in practice they are all based on the same thing), or the gamosIn this context, everything is measured in terms of the extent to which a bond resembles a courtship or a marriage.

Love, seen from the agamic perspective

In agamy, what we normally consider as love is seen only as a concept that has arisen from the expansion of a very specific way of creating affective bonds: romantic love linked to marriage. From this perspective, our perception of affectivity is neither neutral nor innocent: it is judged from a relational standard based on marriage-like bonds.

Thus, on the basis of the objective existence of marriage-type bonds, a series of social norms have emerged, a series of social norms, patterns of thought and beliefs have appeared which, without realizing it, condition that, without realizing it, condition our way of living affectivity in all areas of our lives, both in monogamous and polygamous societies.

Marriage, which historically has been a way of perpetuating lineages (until not so long ago, directly trading with women, by the way), was seen as a material necessity for subsistence, and from this fact appeared the ideas and customs to justify this practice psychologically. As generations went by, the idea that affective relationships are either marriage or substitutes for it became more and more internalized, so that today it is difficult to abandon the reference of the gamos.

A freer affectivity

The concept of agamy is striking because it is as simple as it is challenging. On the one hand, to define it, it is enough to say that it is the absence of unions inspired by marriage and courtship, but on the other hand, it is complicated to realize at what moments these internalized mental schemes are acting, based on sex and formal and regulated by rules created collectively. and regulated by collectively-created rules and regulations..

Who knows if, as we gain access to more comfortable lives with less need to depend on the family unit, agamy will become more widespread.