Anxiety about sexual performance: causes, symptoms and what to do

A phenomenon linked to anxiety and that damages the sexual life of many people.

It is common for people to have on occasion a "mishap" during sex, without any physical cause that can account for it.

However, the extreme pressure that we can project on how we should perform in bed generates, especially in situations such as the one mentioned above, very difficult feelings that are labeled under the general heading of sexual performance anxiety.

In this article we will describe what exactly this health problem is, for what reasons it usually occurs and what are some of the most appropriate strategies to deal with it.

Sexual performance anxiety

Sexual performance anxiety is often the result of an extreme imposition to perform in this area. While it is normal to feel slightly anxious about the imminence of such an encounter (most especially when getting to know a new person), the concern in this case is far greater than predictable and extends to the point of conditioning the physiological processes on which sexuality depends..

Thus, it is common for those who suffer from it for too long to end up complaining of erectile difficulties or an orgasm that is too quick, too brief or too subtle.

A very significant percentage of people with sexual performance anxiety live apprehensively with expectations of sexual performance. are apprehensive about the expectations of having an intimate encounter with their partner, or doubt their ability to have an intimate encounter with their partner.or doubt their ability to provide pleasure. Everything is accentuated when in the past there have been situations of "blockage" that could not be resolved correctly, and that forged the doubts that now grip sexuality. In this emotional house of cards, the last card to fall is self-esteem and desire, which can be obscured by guilt and insecurity.

Why does this happen?

One of the most common causes for sexual performance anxiety to emerge is the creation of false expectations about what sex should be like, often as a result ofoften as a result of integrating an idealized image of how events should unfold during the course of sex. The negative view of the body can also contribute in a very important way (belief that the penis is too small, that the silhouette is at some point unpleasant or that the breast lacks aesthetic beauty).

All of this generates an anxious anticipation of the experience, which can extend for many days before it is scheduled to happen. Also it is enormously common for unpleasant thoughts to arise at the very instant it is happening ("I am not capable of doing this", "I am making a fool of myself", "I hope he is not noticing this or that part of my body", "I have to do it more intensely", "he is not enjoying himself at all", etc.), which divert attention from the sensations themselves and interfere with the sexual response (making orgasm impossible or accelerating it, altering erection or lubrication, etc.).

Stressors in other areas (such as work, studies, etc.) can also increase sexual performance anxiety, a situation that requires learning specific forms of relaxation. In those cases in which the problem remains, it may be very important to consult with a specialist in this field of knowledge to find concrete solutions.

What can I do?

The following are several useful keys to mediate in this anxiety problem in the case that it appears. They are oriented both to the reinforcement of the bond with the partner and to the development of more concrete strategies to minimize its intensity and impact.

1. Communicate with your partner

Sexuality is an extraordinary form of communication, involving more than just words. The caresses, kisses and hugs that are part of the contact with the other person are very important. are very important; they facilitate the central production of oxytocin, a hormone linked to positive emotions (such as joy) and which helps to strengthen the bond. It is crucial to understand sex, then, as a dialogue in which bodies take the floor.

Sculpting a solid trust with our partner is key, because during sex we allow them access to the areas of the body bordering our last frontier: the skin. Every human being has around him an invisible space of security, which can only be crossed by those with whom he feels completely safe. In fact, if there is an unresolved conflict if there is an unresolved conflict between two people, it is very likely that the friction generates a rejection that interferes with the desire itself. which interferes with the desire itself; this being a cause that can contribute to sexual performance anxiety.

2. Focus on the more subtle aspects of sexuality.

It is quite common for people suffering from sexual performance anxiety to be particularly oriented towards reaching orgasm during intercourse, ignoring the process of interaction that finally leads to orgasm, where desire unfolds in its maximum expression. This perspective makes sex a mechanical and boring activity, which restricts pleasure to just a few seconds between the beginning and the end of the orgasm itself.

A useful recommendation for those who suffer from this problem is to seek sexual relations in which particular emphasis is placed on the subtle aspects, including foreplay and simple foreplay.including foreplay and simple skin-to-skin contact. It may be interesting, in fact, to have encounters in which penetration is not contemplated, and in which the different senses (sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch) are consciously stimulated. This eroticization enhances desire and softens the rigidity with which a sexuality oriented only to climax is perceived.

3. Don't take it as an obligation

The most destructive thing that can happen with respect to sexuality is the acceptance of it as an obligation "that simply has to be fulfilled". This is one of the most frequent causes of sexual performance anxiety, especially in cases where the problem has lasted so long that desire has been seriously wounded. Thus, the anticipation of an encounter with a partner becomes a cause of intense concern, as it is a completely unnatural act.It is an act completely denaturalized and alien to the real will.

The fact of assuming sex as a task to be satisfied is usually the result of not revealing feelings to our partner, for fear of disappointing her or for the conviction that the situation could degenerate into a major conflict. But the truth is that the fiction we must clothe ourselves with in order to fake desire is a heavy burden on emotional life, and not at all fair to our needs. Talking about it can provide a suitable scenario to seek solutions as a couple, and at the same time explore new dimensions of shared sexuality.

4. Break with routine

Routine is, for many aspects of life, a real burden. Time spent in routine feels purposeless, the necessary but tedious interlude we must live with. There is ample evidence that when our life is too monotonous it is perceived, when we look back, as excessively brief. In such a case the brain lacks the emotional anchors with which to define the experience, sending it to the "to-do" bin.The same is true for sexuality.

The same happens with sexuality. When the couple assumes rigid habits in their daily life, including what happens in bed and in the rest of the spaces reserved for intimacy, this ends up becoming a stimulus that does not generate satisfaction or stimulate desire. ends up becoming a stimulus that does not generate satisfaction or stimulate desire..

People suffering from sexual performance anxiety may be tempted to impose an unyielding regularity on moments with their partner, seeking control and artificially reducing the likelihood of unforeseen events. This attitude imposes a false sense of security, as it is the motivation that pays an unbearable bill in the medium and long term.

5. Downplays the importance of small setbacks

We are not perfect machines. It is quite normal that, at some point in life, we have a sexual encounter in which things do not happen the way we had planned.

It is likely that for various reasons (being tired, stressed, drowsy, etc.) we may not be able to perform as desired, but this is a predictable result in the context of the variety of physical and emotional states that can condition sexual performance in non-pathological conditions. can condition sexual performance under non-pathological conditions..

Occasionally, however, a negative experience (especially when it has coincided with criticism or ridicule from a partner) can profoundly and lastingly alter our sense of security and sexual self-efficacy. A self-fulfilling prophecy would occur in this caseThe anxious expectation that the same incident could be repeated in the future would provoke a series of behaviors and thoughts that would effectively favor its recurrence.

In this case, therefore, the most important thing is to assume with complete naturalness what is undoubtedly normal: things are not always as we would like them to be, and "imperfection" is also a part of the game of sex.

6. Do not consume alcohol

It is not uncommon for people to try to mend their feelings of anxiety (in the expectation of having sex) by drinking alcohol and using it as a social lubricant. This substance inhibits the activity of the prefrontal cortex, which plunges us into a state of deceptive euphoria (because it is actually depressing an important region of our brain). This strategy is used because it allows the laxity of worries and insecurities, albeit at an expensive price.although at a very high price.

Alcohol decreases the Blood supply to the cavernous vessels of the penis, two columns of tissue that make erection possible, and reduces local sensitivity (which delays the onset of orgasm to the detriment of the experience of pleasure achieved). This last effect is also reproduced in women, who also experience a reduction in vaginal lubrication (due to the effect of ethyl dehydration), which can precipitate painful sensations and end up increasing the underlying anxiety problem.

7. Find your own way to communicate in bed.

Especially in the case of first sexual encounters, much of what is known about sex comes from sources that misrepresent what sex is really about.. For example, we expect an unattainable perfection from our own and other people's bodies, or from our attitude towards sex.

But what really happens is different, because the bodies are different from what has been seen in movies or other media, and the performance is not as intense as expected, which leads to a feeling of frustration and the raising of some doubts about the ability to please.

Finding our way to communicate is essential, and to do this we must first of all let go of unrealistic expectations about sex and physical appearances, accepting who we are and seeking to feel safe with sexuality. This is particularly particularly important in cases of sexual performance anxiety in young people, such as adolescents who become sexually active.This is particularly important in cases of sexual performance anxiety in young people, such as adolescents entering their first such interactions.

8. Sex begins beyond the sheets

It is a proven fact that sex does not function as a separate element from the rest of the everyday things that go on in ordinary life..

Thus, a relationship is based on passion (intense desire for union with the other), intimacy (capacity to generate a shared universe in which the "we" is deployed) and commitment (fidelity and willingness to project the relationship into the future), all of which are relevant for higher quality sex. That is, there is an association between the strength of the bond and sexual intimacy.

It is key to take into consideration that sex is not limited to two naked bodies in a bed, but is cultivated over time.It is cultivated throughout the days in everyday situations; in full light, with or without clothes. And it is the small acts of complicity that end up forging enough trust to move it inside the sheets. It is therefore important to be with a person who not only charms us physically, but who can also bring something deeper to our lives.

9. Learn to enjoy your own pleasure

Some people can be excessively altruistic in their sexual relations. When they are with their partner, they look exclusively for their partner's pleasure, ignoring their own needs. The truth is that this unbalanced focus on what the other may be feeling completely diverts us from the sensations that occur in our own body, and even becomes counterproductive for both parties.

Many studies indicate that this phenomenon is common among those suffering from sexual performance anxiety. It is therefore necessary to have the right dose of "selfishness" in bed, the search for what our body can contribute by exploring some of its most intense and rewarding sensations, in a deliberate and non-judgmental way. In short, let go of the limiting desire to impress and simply enjoy the moment. Only then will you both have a good time.

10. Use a sense of humor and empathy.

A sense of humor is a powerful coping strategy for anxiety in all its possible forms, including sexual.

As noted above, everyone is susceptible to being surprised by an unexpected event while having sex (orgasm comes too soon, erection/lubrication is not as "good" as expected, etc.), and it is precisely at that moment that this strategy can make a difference.

Falling into drama in the face of such a natural occurrence only brings about dark expectations that can contribute to a repetition on successive occasions.

When it is our partner who feels embarrassed by an unexpected event like this, it is essential to use our empathy and provide all the understanding he/she may need. It is common for people who experience this situation from "the other side" to feel offended by what happened, allowing insecurities to surface on the canvas of the mattress, which end up creating a feeling of guilt that extends beyond what we can sometimes imagine.