Assertive communication in the couple: its 4 advantages, and how to enhance it.

Several ways to improve the use of assertive communication in couple relationships.

Have you ever wondered how you communicate with your partner, how she communicates with you, with what words, tone, gestures, etc., you tell her what you think or what you feel, when you tell her one thing or another?

In this article we will talk about a very effective type of communication, which helps to build healthy relationships; It is assertive communication in the couple.. We will know what it consists of, examples, advantages and techniques to improve it.

How do we communicate with our partner?

Communication within a couple's relationship determines many other aspects of it: their mutual well-being, type of relationship, degree of intimacy, type of cohabitation, degree of satisfaction, etc. In other words, it is a key factor for a relationship to be healthy, to work and to be maintained.

Through communication we express our desires, opinions, ideas, things we like, things we don't like so much, things we can't stand or tolerate under any circumstances, etc. It is thanks to it that we will be able to create a solid and trusting relationship..

Many times it will not be easy, since we will have to reach agreements, negotiate, give in, etc. The important thing is that there is empathy between the two members of the couple that allows them to strengthen their relationship.

Assertive communication in the couple

Before explaining how we can promote assertive communication in the couple, let us explain what assertiveness and, therefore, assertive communication consists of. Assertiveness is a way of expressing our ideas, thoughts, desires and feelings, defending our own rights while respecting the other person.

An example of assertiveness is saying to our partner, "Although I know you don't mean it in a bad way, it bothers me that you are late for appointments. Can you try to change this?"

In other words, assertiveness involves being honest about what you want without being rude or disrespectful.. In a way, it is a middle ground between aggressiveness and passivity. Many summarize assertiveness as "the ability to say no", although it is a slightly more complex element, and encompasses other aspects, as we have seen.

Thus, assertive communication is a type of communication where assertiveness is applied, through what we have explained. That is, involves expressing our thoughts and wishes taking into account our rights but also those of the other person.. It is a way of speaking with respect, making suggestions or expressing opinions without being disrespectful, arrogant or rude.

In this way, when there is assertive communication in the couple, both partners are able to express themselves with total freedom, being aware of the other's needs but without forgetting their own. Assertive communication allows us to be ourselves and to respect ourselves.

Advantages

Some of the advantages of assertive communication in the couple are:

1. It allows us to set limits

The first advantage of assertive communication in the couple is that it is a type of communication that allows us to set certain limits within the couple; these limits may refer to aspects or behaviors that we do not like or that we do not tolerate, for example. Through assertiveness we can "negotiate" with our partner what we like and what we do not like..

2. It allows us to negotiate

As a result of the previous point, we also find the possibility of negotiating the things we need within the couple's relationship. That is to say, we can express our needs, but also our desires, preferences, etc.

3. Empower empathy

Promoting assertive communication in the couple has another advantage, and that is that you help to enhance your partner's empathy. Through assertive messages that you send her (in a polite way), she will be able to put herself in your place, imagining that she is in your place. can put herself in your place, imagining what you are feeling at that moment and why you are asking for one thing or the other, for example.for example.

4. Create a pleasant coexistence

If we are able to tell our partner (and he/she to us) what we think "off the cuff", in a respectful and polite way (in short, through assertive communication), we will be contributing to create a climate of well-being and pleasant coexistence within the relationship.

For this, it is good to use words such as: "please", "thank you", "you are welcome", "sorry", etc. The important thing is that we can say the things that we think without keeping them to ourselves, as long as they are things that can be said by us.The important thing is that we can say the things we think without keeping them to ourselves, as long as they are things that can help improve the relationship.

Techniques to enhance assertiveness in your love life

How to improve assertive communication in the couple? Let's see some techniques and tips to enhance or improve it:

1. Choose the right time to say things

Not all topics should be discussed at the same time of the day, as some topics are more sensitive than others, and the mood of our partner can also influence our choice. Assertive communication in the couple is achieved by taking into account this and other aspects. That is why it is important, in addition to learning to know how to say the things we think, to choose the right time to do it. This does not mean that sometimes it may not happen that we must say things quickly or in moments of urgency..

But whenever we can, we should always pay attention to how our partner is at that moment, if that comment will especially bother him/her, etc. In other words, we should say what we think but adjusting to the context.

2. Use the right words

In addition to choosing the most suitable moment to say certain things or to bring up certain topics, it is also important to choose the words we use to say them. This will improve our assertive communication in the couple. A good idea is to use words or expressions that do not have an absolute or categorical character.

In addition, we can use kind and grateful expressions that promote closeness, we can use kind and grateful expressions, which promote closeness, e.g. "Thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think the same as you".For example, "thank you for the suggestion, but I don't think the same as you", or "sorry if what I'm about to say bothers you, but...", etc.

3. Be sincere

Assertiveness is based on sincerity. That is why it makes no sense to embellish reality. it makes no sense to embellish reality, make it up, exaggerate it or even lie about it, because in the end everything ends up being known, and discovering a lie from your partner is a lie.And discovering a lie from your partner is a far cry from assertive communication. That is, as we have seen, assertiveness is based above all on saying what you think, and the basis of this is sincerity.

4. Use appropriate non-verbal language

Another important element in conveying what we think is the non-verbal language we use to do so (this includes gestures, posture, tone of voice, etc.). For example, it is not the same to use an affable tone, than aggressive, imperative, hard, soft, close, etc. Thus, non-verbal language is just as important as verbal language, and that is why effective and assertive communication will be based on conveying coherent (i.e., consistent) messages (i.e., consistent) in both verbal and nonverbal forms.

Specifically, the tone in which we say things, greatly influences how the other person receives the information. On the other hand, the gestures that accompany the message must also be appropriate, as well as the posture and the distance between the other person (use of personal space).

Bibliographical references:

• Castanyer, O. (2019). (5th Ed.) Aplicaciones de la asertividad. Editorial Desclée De Brouwer, Bilbao.
• Gaeta, L. and Galvanovskis, A. (2009). Assertiveness: a theoretical-empirical analysis. Teaching and research in psychology, 14(2): 403-425.
• Torroella, G. (2002). Learning to live together. Havana City, Cuba: Editorial pueblo y educación.