Children in the face of death: how to help them cope with a loss

How to help a child to cope with the death of a loved one and to go through the grieving process?

It is commonly believed that children do not grieve the death of a loved one in the same way that adults do, because they are not able to openly express their feelings.

Children children cope with death according to their age and stage of development, but the way in which they cope and stage of development, but the way they manage to cope with this event depends on the accompaniment and management by adults. The deaths that can affect a child the most is the death of a parent, especially that of the mother.

Ages of the child and their grieving process

Under 3 years of age

A child under three years of age does not have the cognitive capacity to understand what death is.. If their mother is absent due to death or illness, they will perceive this as abandonment and will reflect this with insecurity; if the mother dies, the longing for their mother to return will persist for years. At this age they usually show apathy, irritability, passivity, loss of sleep and weight.

From 4 to 6 years old

From four to six years old, children's way of thinking is concrete, so they conceive of dead people as conceive of dead people as asleep and believe that they can "wake up" from death.. At this age they do not yet understand that there can be something after death, as it is beyond their cognitive capacity. It is likely that at this age they constantly need to be reminded that the person has died and will not return.

At this age they often manifest with setbacks such as bedwetting, fear of separation and abandonment, loss of sleep and appetite, guilt and tantrums. Many times their behaviors are focused on being treated like younger babies.

From 6 to 9 years old

From six to nine years of age they already understand the concept of deathSometimes they personify the dead as ghosts or angels, however, they perceive death as something alien to them. When a child of this age manifests his grief with aggressiveness, we are in front of a defense mechanism to avoid that the Pain does not manage to affect him more. Other children tend to show a lot of curiosity about death as a way to accept what has happened, they may also begin to show new fears.

From this age onwards, if they are indifferent to the event, it may be because they are ashamed to express their feelings and not precisely because of repression.

After 9 years of age

After 9 years of age they already manage to understand death as inevitable and irreversible, even for themselves.. However, their grief is still complicated. They may present anhedonia, guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, mood swings, eating and sleeping disorders.

How to talk to children about death?

When there is a terminal diagnosis of someone close to the child, the best thing to do is to say it openly and start with the child.t is best to say it openly and start explaining what death is.. When we anticipate events to children they become less stressful than they would be without anticipation. It is important to tell them the truth with very concrete vocabulary, such as "is going to die", "has died" and not to say "is gone" because children may interpret that the person has gone somewhere else and has not said goodbye to them, which could provoke more anger, pain and anxiety.

When telling the child that someone has died, it is important to talk about the natural feelings about this event: "We are sad because he has died and we will miss him", so the child will understand that what he feels is sadness and it is normal that he is feeling it. At the moment of giving the news, it is best that adults do not hide their feelings but do not show excessive emotions that could frighten them.

Religious beliefs and the grieving process in children

At this time, regardless of religious beliefs, the way in which God is spoken about is delicate because it could generate anger towards the "figure" who has decided to take their mother or father away. It is necessary to answer all the questions that arise to the child in the most concrete and simple way possible.

Advice: support, closeness and understanding

Children should also participate in the rituals that are carried out to say goodbye to the person who has died, since rituals help us to close cycles and taking advantage of this moment of "farewell" can help the child to better elaborate his or her grief. It should not be forgotten that grief in children can last for months or even years, it is necessary to be patient at all times..

At this time, seeking support networks with friends and family can also help the adults close to the grieving child. Each child is different and will experience their grief in their own way, but regardless of age it is advisable to seek advice from a thanatologist or child psychologist to guide both the child and the family for a good resolution.