Christmas dinners and the empty chair syndrome

The holidays can take a psychological toll on those who have lost a loved one.

Christmas time, especially New Year's Eve, is in principle a time of joy, expression of affection and reconciliation. For decades this has been the idea of Christmas that we have been creating together in most Western countries whose roots are linked to Christianity, believers or not, there are many people who appreciate these dates precisely because of the values it represents..

However, there are some people who find it difficult to experience these days while maintaining a good mood. Many of these cases are due to the empty chair syndrome.

What is the empty chair syndrome?

The empty chair syndrome is the feeling of loss generated by what is perceived as a significant absence.This is particularly intense in an environment that is supposed to be joyful and festive, such as a dinner party. That is why this concept is linked to the idea of psychological grief.

A conspicuous absence at the dinner table can trigger a psychological mourning process even when the missing person has not died. This is because, in the empty chair syndrome, the key word is not "death", but "loneliness".

The empty chair is a silent testimony that there is a vacuum at the table that makes us a little more isolated from other people than before. from other people than before. To the feelings of sadness, discomfort (and occasionally guilt) that this causes, we can add those caused by the death of the person who does not sit down to eat with us, but this factor may not always occur and therefore does not condition the appearance or not of the empty chair syndrome.

That is why, when we talk about this type of bereavement, it is worth bearing in mind that the most frequent feelings are those associated with isolation and loneliness.

What role does Christmas play in this?

Christmas may become an important factor in the appearance of the empty chair syndrome, since informal bonds of attachment between people with a strong relationship with each other (e.g., a between people with a strong relationship between them (even those who are not usually in contact with each other). On New Year's Eve, specifically, the appreciation of the moments shared by people who love or feel affection for each other is emphasized.

This, which in principle is a positive thing, can have the counterpart of accentuating the absences during this period. In addition, the contrast that can be seen between the absence of significant people and the typical staging of Christmas in which all the families gather together in full can generate a sense of "abnormality" and misfortune whose triggers cannot be fully explained, or else place the origin of the absence in events for which we feel guilty.

Recommendations to combat the empty chair syndrome

The truth is that there is no definitive and universal recipe for dealing with the empty chair syndrome, since each person's grief processes are unique.

However, there are some general there are, however, some general recommendations to combat the states of mind that generate strong discomfort and which tend to work in a large number of cases. Here are some of these essential indications to manage this type of grief.

• Do not isolate yourself or remain silent all the time.Interact with the other people at the table and contribute to the conversation, even if it does not feel like it.
• Reinterpret the way of perceiving the physical space previously occupied at the table by the previously occupied at the table by absent people, so that an empty chair is not synonymous with loss and sadness. This is one of the best ways to build resilience.
• The empty chair syndrome has a strong symbolic component, the most common being the empty chair itself.the most common being the empty chair itself. That is why it is possible to turn the situation around by using alternative symbolic ways to remember the absent loved one in a way that does not generate grief and sadness that is difficult to manage.
• Avoid the use of substances to abstract from the memories that generate sadness and discomfort.and use drugs only to the extent prescribed by a physician. This point is of utmost importance so that the grief does not become chronic and does not turn into serious problems in many aspects of life.
• If necessary, start psychological therapy to identify specific needs and facilitate the realization of the steps described above.

A final thought

It is important to keep in mind that although Christmas is a time of affection, love and camaraderie, this does not have to be limited to the family. Many of the absences on New Year's Eve are irremediable, but it is also practically impossible that during the it is also practically impossible that throughout our lives we do not cross paths with people with whom it is possible to feel a strong attachment and a fraternal friendship.. The empty chair syndrome can be very difficult to overcome if we understand that the only valid presences are those of a group that can lose members over time, but not gain them.

That is why it is worth rethinking the traditional New Year's Eve dinner scheme as something in which only Blood ties matter, a model in which absences weigh much more if there is no generational replacement and in which, therefore, whether there are more or fewer people at the table depends on the number of couples and births.

To manage grief and loss at Christmas is also to reflect on the type of attachment that we have to appreciate at this time of year. And the kind that is created spontaneously, even well into adulthood, is very valid. Both to enjoy it and to rethink our concept of solitude.