Effective communication in the couple

Wanting to understand the other is basic to achieve good communication in couple relationships.

Fortunately, it is still common for couples to come to therapy, and it is striking that they are increasingly couples with a wider range of ages, since this means that therapy is becoming normalized, even in older couples.

Within the situations that are worked on in consultation, there is a great variety, although there is a common element that is observed behind many conflicts and disagreements: communication..

The importance of effective communication in the couple

It is almost a topic to say that the lack of communication is behind the conflicts of coexistence and relationship in couples, families or teams, but it continues being something very real. To concretize and illustrate what I am saying here, I would like to focus on a subject that seems very obvious, but is not so obvious: understanding the other person and his or her point of view..

Many times communication gets stuck because we expect the other person to understand what we want to explain, to be able to put themselves in our shoes and see what we see. We forget that the other person's pretension, in many cases, is exactly the same and this can block communication actions.

First understand the other person before pretending to be understood.. That would be a good motto; it is important to take the first step in the intention to understand, mutual understanding would be guaranteed if we do so, since we would converge in the willingness to listen.

When we do it the other way around, what usually happens is that we attribute a negative intention to the other party, we prejudge and provoke defensive attitudes that open the door to feelings of attackThis blocks communication and activates resentment, incomprehension, helplessness and a great chain of negative emotions that will lead to a possible conflict of greater or lesser dimensions.

It would be convenient that, in an act of communication, we would be able to to detect who is the person who presents a higher level of anxiety or urgency in exposing his ideas and in expressing his state and who When this happens, once the person feels understood, it may be easier to ask for the other person's turn and to listen to his or her ideas.

It is essential to remember that, in these communicative acts, it is not necessary to try to find the truth or who is right, since both parties have their truth and their reason.. Communication should not fall into this trap, since it leads to a dead end that increases tension, conflict and estrangement between the people who intend to communicate.

Furthermore, wanting to "be right" reduces communication to an oversimplified situation, in a kind of battle that would leave one party the winner and the other the loser, when the important thing is that both parties understand each other and reach a solution, or common consensus. What is the same, in the case of someone winning and someone losing, ideas and capabilities are subtracted, the case we propose, expands the possibilities and seeks to share the welfare generated by consensus and mutual understanding.

Therefore, it is also a question of emotional profitability, it is also a question of emotional profitabilityIt is also a question of feeling that there is a common interest so that the people who are in this dialogue can reach a point of shared and joint wellbeing. I want you to feel good and you are looking for the same, which will satisfy both people and leave the feeling that we take care of each other, instead of looking to be on top (which implies that there is someone underneath).

What to do?

To achieve this idea it is necessary to take care of the words used; and the forms, how important are the forms. There are a multitude of assertive colloquialisms that help in the choice of conciliatory and non-aggressive wordsIn my opinion...", "as I see it...", "from my point of view...", "I think that...", "I understand what you are saying and also...", "I would like you to take into account...".

One of the common aspects of these statements is that they do not cancel out the other person's part, they do not destroy and do not derogatorily judge different ideas or points of view that do not coincide..

It may seem very simple to remember how important it is to avoid using the expression "but" just before stating one's own idea, since this conjunction eliminates the value of the sentence that has been pronounced just before, e.g.: "I agree with your opinion, but...". (equivalent to saying I don't think it's fine). It may seem somewhat forced within the close, spontaneous and trusting relationship of a couple, but it is important to maintain correct words that do not call into question the respect for the other person's opinion. that do not call into question the mutual respect that is essential for effective and respectful communication..

In short, it is not enough to say "you know how I am", it is not enough to allude to what has always been given in the field of communication, it is necessary to take care of what you want to express and the way in which you do it.