Emotional intelligence in relationships: how does it affect us?

These are the ways in which emotional intelligence affects our love life.

Relationships are not easy. No matter how fiery and passionate they may be, there will always be a few disagreements between partners. This translates into arguments, poorly formulated complaints and misunderstandings that can, in the most extreme cases, turn the relationship into a hell that sooner or later causes it to break up.

Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that have become very famous and useful in the last few decades, since they help us to understand and understand the relationship. in the last decades, since they help us to have a more adjusted emotionality, applying it to social relationships.

For this reason, and given its importance, we are going to talk about emotional intelligence in relationships, why it is so important, what is emotional overflow and ways to improve it.

The importance of emotional intelligence in couple relationships.

Couple relationships are complex. Its two members have, each one, an internal world of their own, two universes that have to be harmonized to give coherence and consistency to the relationship. Couples are two lives trying to be one, but it is not always easy. Sometimes emotions weigh too much for everything to work like a Swiss watch, making one or both partners feel overwhelmed.

Making smart use of love is not easy. No one has an instruction manual at hand on what to do and what not to do as a couple, since no two couples are alike. This makes sense if we start from the idea that, if each person is different, with his or her own degree of resilience, personal history and risk and protective factors, the same will be true for the couple. Not everything is going to work to fix all couples, nor will what has worked for one necessarily work for another.

What must be understood is that all couples share the same fact: they are not perfect.. There will always be arguments, differences of interests, feelings of loneliness on one side or misunderstandings. This is why it is so important to have emotional intelligence in these relationships, since this capacity, understood as a set of skills, contributes to make the couple a healthier entity that lasts over time.

It is to have the degree of emotional intelligence and its forms of application that will make that the arguments, complaints and any problem that may arise in the couple's environment can be solved, or make its impact not so serious. Likewise, to have a high emotional intelligence is to understand that the relationship is a matter of two, that you can not expect the couple to reach a successful conclusion if only one of the two is involved. The cooperation of both is necessary in order to move forward without incurable wounds.

The famous importance of emotional intelligence does not only lie in knowing how to manage social relationships.. It is also having empathy to know that others have different feelings, needs and points of view, and our partner is no exception. He or she is going to need us to listen to him or her, to feel loved and to know that we are there for him or her, that we value him or her being on the long road that is our life. Not understanding this is what causes many relationships to break down.

Emotional overflow

One of the most important emotional phenomena in understanding why relationships break up is emotional overflow. This is something that, if it happens, can cause the relationship to be damaged forever. We understand by emotional overflow the overload of feelings that has not been conveniently released throughout the relationship. As if we were an espresso pot, these feelings are pressing more and more outwards, causing us to burst in one go.making us explode in a very violent way.

From this explosion of emotions we can expect nothing good. We may say things that we will regret, be extremely acidic towards our partner and, in response, she will "counterattack", hurting us, making the situation even worse. Everything that is said in this episode of emotional violence will be distorted, exaggerated and, because of the heat of the moment, remembered in a very untruthful way on future occasions, when we try to talk about it in a more relaxed way.

Based on all this, it is understandable why emotional overflow is such an important aspect of any couple's relationship. It should be kept in mind that one or both partners may be very close to exploding, and one should try to do everything possible to release that emotionality, which can eat away at us.that can eat us up inside. If we do not manage it, we can have as a result a lot of damage in our relationship.

How to improve emotional intelligence in the couple?

Having understood the importance of emotional intelligence in couples and having seen the concept of emotional overflow, we can understand the ways to improve this type of intelligence in our romantic relationships.

There are several strategies that we can we can put into practice to make our sentimental relationship healthier, enhancing understanding and empathy.There are several strategies we can put into practice to make our relationship healthier, promoting understanding and empathy on both sides, avoiding toxic behaviors and understanding that, even if we do not always agree, we can always talk things over.

1. Expressing and accepting complaints

Complaints are inevitable, since no one is perfect. Each partner will have complaints about the other, and would like you to try to do something to improve.

While it is important to accept that the world is not perfect and neither is our partner, it is healthy to express and accept complaints. it is healthy to express and accept complaints. Of course, always in a respectful and calm way and being aware that he or she will also have complaints about us.

There will always be something we can improve. Putting active listening into practice, making an effort to know what our partner would like us to change and trying to do so, as far as possible, is a good way to extend the life of the relationship.

As we have already said, feelings must be expressed sincerely and in an appropriate way, because if not, emotional overflow will occur. emotional overflow will occur, which will be really harmful for our relationship..

2. Do not attack the person

It is very easy to say phrases that go directly to hurt. It is possible that our partner has done things wrong, and that we are right to say it, but transforming it into an attack is not the best way.

These bile-filled comments come from inside us, and they satisfy us in the short term. We are releasing a little (or a lot) of tension. But later, that acid will be transformed into suffering, estrangement, coldness. The relationship will be damaged, sometimes without the possibility of healing, being the direct cause of the rupture.

All discomfort must be explained with respect. We must make an effort to express our disagreement in a respectful way and, in case our partner does not do the same, not to get heated.

It is not always the case that both partners will behave calmly, but it is preferable that at least one of them does. Otherwise the tension will increase, causing even more damage to each other..

3. Look for a joint solution

Every couple has needs, problems that must be solved. As the couple is a matter of two, it is necessary that the solution be consensual.

To look for a joint solution, agreed by both and in which they agree, is a very good way to make sure that the relationship is kept alive. Thus We will both feel listened to and respected, which will save us from reproaches in the future..

4. Stick to the facts

Our boyfriend or girlfriend will always do something we don't like. When talking about it, it is very important to stick to the facts, without exaggerating things or generalizing, although we may be right.

No one likes to be told that he or she is doing everything wrong.. It is very important to stick to reality, to indicate what we did not like without adding unnecessary details or using phrases such as "you always do..." or "you never do...".

On the other hand, it is very important to understand that he or she will also tell us things he or she does not like and may not stick to the facts as much as we would like. Likewise, we must relativize it and indicate to him/her that this is not how he/she says it, but without forgetting to keep sticking to reality.

5. Knowing yourself

To build a good relationship we must first get to know ourselves.. It is not only about developing enough emotional intelligence to know what we are feeling and why.

It is also to know our limits, our insecurities, fears and needs. Only by knowing ourselves will we be able to know others.

Then we will know what to improve about ourselves and we will try to be better people for the other party. It is not about trying to be perfect so that when we tell our partner our complaints, he/she cannot "attack" us. It is about doing our best to be the best version of ourselves for our partner, which will motivate him or her to do the same.

Bibliographical references:

• Gardner, Howard (2011). Inteligencias múltiples: la teoría en la práctica (1st. ed. in the Howard Gardner Library edition). Barcelona: Paidós. ISBN 978-84-493-2594-6.
• Payne, W.L. (1983/1986). A study of emotion: developing emotional intelligence; self integration; relating to fear, Pain and desire. Dissertation Abstracts International, 47, p. 203A
• Goleman, D. (1995). Inteligencia Emocional. Barcelona: Kairos
• Atkinson, B. J. (2005). Emotional intelligence in couples therapy: Advances from neurobiology and the science of intimate relationships. W W Norton & Co.