Feelings of abandonment: 7 signs that it affects you

What is the feeling of abandonment and to what extent does it correspond to the reality of your relationships?

Not all feelings correspond to the reality of the facts; some people have feelings that respond only to their own perception of things. Despite having no real motives, there are sensations and emotions that take hold of us as if coming from a parallel reality.

In this article we will examine the feeling of abandonmentIn this article, we will see exactly what this irrational perception of loneliness is about and how it usually manifests itself in people's lives, bringing with it an intense and persistent discomfort.

What does this psychological state consist of?

The feeling of abandonment consists of a state of mind in which the person demonstrates states of distress, which are expressed by the feeling that no one cares about us or that we will be abandoned.

When constant feelings of abandonment are experienced, a catastrophic style of thinking is adopted.. That is, from any situation, no matter how small, the subject thinks that something bad is coming, even if there are no objective reasons for this belief.

Intrusive thoughts take over people's minds, and make them have recurrent ideas of abandonment; for example, "nobody wants to be with me", "I am indifferent to others", "I have nothing to offer to anyone", etc.

The self-fulfilling prophecy

Despite the fact that these thoughts do not really correspond to the facts, something paradoxical happens. When we are in a relationship and we have the fixed idea that the other person is going to leave us at any moment, this ends up happening.

It is not a coincidence, far from it, it is due to the fact that people with feelings of abandonment have the tendency to self-sabotage their relationships. have the tendency to self-sabotage their relationships.. They get to walk away from people with the idea of ending the relationship before they do, often unconsciously.

The ways in which an insecure person sabotages his or her relationships generally have two polarities. The first consists of demonstrating an overly intense feeling of attachment that ends up pushing the other person away, as he or she begins to have an overly intense feeling of attachment to the other person.The first consists of demonstrating a feeling of attachment that is too intense and ends up pushing the other person away as he or she begins to behave in an overly possessive manner.

Another form of sabotage, which is caused by the feeling of abandonment, is based on an exaggerated idea of prevention, where the person who is afraid of being left alone takes the initiative and decides to abandon the other person. to avoid going through the frustration of being abandoned to itwithout realizing that he or she is being the architect of his or her own fear.

In many respects, the feeling of abandonment can be influenced by attachment problems that arose during childhood, but it can also be due to dysfunctional social contexts in adulthood: relationships that do not flow, social isolation, etc.

How does the feeling of abandonment manifest itself?

In the following lines we will review how this feeling of abandonment is usually expressed.

1. Dependency-based behaviors

People who fear abandonment often demonstrate behaviors based on dependence on social contactsometimes even with the people closest to them. This causes these people to adopt a subordinate role before others.

2. Affective flattening

Despite being only in appearance, when the subject has the constant idea that the people around him/her do not attribute any value to him/her, he/she starts a pattern of behavior based on affective flattening and low mood..

3. Almost delusional ideas

This type of ideas have their origin in irrational thoughts that the person is in charge of feeding. For example, if I think that eventually my partner is going to end the relationship with me, I also begin to shape this scenario, and imagine how it is going to happen, in detail.

4. Exaggerated thinking

Another of the most frequent ways of showing the fear of being abandoned is to take beliefs to extremes. is to take the beliefs to extremes, in an exaggerated way. The subject experiencing feelings of abandonment thinks that when the other person does not constantly show affection for him/her, it is because he/she does not love him/her at all.

5. Repeating patterns of behavior

The feeling of abandonment is something that often comes from childhood, motivated by the fact of not having received an affectionate upbringing during the early stages of childhood development..

Generally, this pattern tends to repeat itself generationally. That is, parents with feelings of abandonment raise their children in the same way, without showing them much affection, either because of the feeling that they will also abandon them, or as a way of making them "stronger" in the face of a hostile world..

6. Submission

Fear of abandonment can detonate in the person attitudes of submission, especially when it is accompanied by a fear of abandonment.especially when it is accompanied by an intense affective attachment to the other person. In this case the subject is capable of displacing his own needs with the intention of keeping the company he desires.

Submissive persons may even go through a process of degradation and anxiety in wanting to retain the company of others and put aside their own opinions and principles in order to please the other.

7. Obsessive behavior

This pattern of obsessive behavior often occurs in many ways, such as through harassment of others.

An example of these situations is the so-called "stalking". which consists of meticulously reviewing the social networks of the person who is the object of desire and collecting information regarding his or her personal life. Other forms of harassment can also occur.

On the other hand, some people, in desperation, seek magical and quick solutions to their anguish and resort to places where they are promised things like "eternal love" through mystical rituals that end up being a scam.

Bibliographical references:

• Bowlby, J. (1977). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 130(3): pp. 201 - 210.
• Damasio, A. (2014). In search of Spinoza: neurobiology of emotion and feelings. Barcelona: Booket.
• Harris, M. (2018). Solitude. Towards a meaningful life in a frenetic world. Barcelona: Paidós.
• Shaffer, D. (2000). Developmental psychology. Infancy and adolescence. Editorial Thomson: Madrid.