Genoveva Navarro: couple’s therapy going to the depths

Couples therapy is not a place to look for excuses, but a place to take responsibility.

There are many ways of understanding couple therapy: as a place to establish honest dialogue, as a context in which to encourage behaviors in the relationship with the other, a space in which to leave behind the struggle of egos? Depending on our way of defining it, the objective of the psychologist's intervention will be different, even if only slightly.

Here we will get to know a little of the way Genoveva Navarro worksa psychoanalytically oriented psychologist who regularly helps people with problems in their love relationships.

Genoveva Navarro: couple therapy as a way to assume responsibilities.

Genoveva Navarro Jiménez is a psychoanalytic psychologist and attends patients of virtually all ages in her practice in Malaga: TuDivan Psychoanalysis. With more than 15 years of experience offering professional support to people with emotional and behavioral problems of all kinds, on this occasion she talks to us about couple therapy seen from the prism of psychoanalysis.

What are the first two or three sessions of couple therapy like?

By couple therapy we mean that the person who consults suffers from some aspect of their relationship, their life as a couple makes them suffer. In other words, in couples therapy, relationship problems are addressed, but not necessarily couple problems.

The first sessions are oriented to see what the problem is about, because the conflict is not always where you think it is. It can range from a communication problem to something of your own character that is preventing you from enjoying your relationship. That is why in these first sessions we will see how it is advisable to work.

It is also necessary to see in these first interviews what are the expectations of the person who consults and what he/she expects us to help him/her with. Because many people are looking for a battery of tools to change their partners, or someone to act as a judge and say who is doing well and who is doing badly.

Couples therapy is not focused on changing the other, it is focused on being able to enjoy love, to improve the relationship with oneself and the bond with others. And in this process one also learns to have critical thinking, to resolve conflicts, and to take care of what one wants.

What measures are important to take in these sessions to prevent patients from constantly arguing with each other?

It is necessary to make very clear that the therapy is not to look for guilty neither the therapist is a judge. It is very frequent that in the sessions the interested parties argue because it is a repetition of the symptoms.

The best measure is usually that the affective problems are treated individually, precisely so that the sessions are not a space to argue. The problems that a person usually has, have to do with the lack of tolerance towards diversity, for having too many expectations, for functioning under low ideals, for aspects that are overdetermining that person and go unnoticed. This is an individual work, in which it is not necessary for the partner to be a witness.

It is possible that some people use couple therapy as a moral alibi before deciding to cut definitively. In these early stages of psychological intervention, is it common that both partners are committed to couple therapy, or is it necessary to do everything possible to "convince" one or both of them?

Yes, there are couples who arrive in-extremis, when the relationship is already broken. And more than trying to resume the relationship, it is a matter of being able to work through the breakup. People want miracles and also fast, if it can be something fast, easy and without having to think about it, all the better.

When someone comes to therapy and it is not by their own decision, but because they have had to be convinced, the most normal thing is that it has a very short course. Going to therapy is not a formality. It is undoubtedly a very enriching experience that requires a great commitment. More than being committed to therapy, it is about being committed to life. With life in the sense of vitality.

What do psychologists do to encourage patients to engage in therapy?

The first attempt to ask for help is not always effective. Because it is not that person's moment, or because there is no good feeling with the therapist, or because the way of working is not to his or her liking.

In any case, the therapist, in this case the psychoanalytic psychologist, is in the best conditions to welcome the patient's words in a unique way, and this usually has an immediate effect, which does not leave the patient indifferent.

What are the problems that are most difficult to recognize in couple therapy?

Undoubtedly the patient's own problems, as we know: the mote in someone else's eye is seen before the beam in one's own.

Patients can spend sessions and sessions talking about what their partner does and says. For example, a woman complains that all men are the same and none of them wants commitment and does not consider what will happen to her who always looks at the same type of men. Or, for example, the man who constantly changes partners because no woman ever satisfies him, and does not consider what happens to him in terms of satisfaction.

In general, everyone finds it difficult to tolerate differences. And if you hurry, it is even difficult to be different from oneself.

But precisely psychoanalytic therapy is focused on dealing with why and for what one does things. That is why addressing couple problems from a psychoanalytic approach is not for everyone. It is for those who want to take responsibility.

And what are the problems that most people go to couple therapy for in general?

To change the couple, the constant arguments and the atmosphere of constant frizziness, jealousy, boredom, problems with sexual relations (frequency, premature ejaculation, impotence), emotional dependence, the rarefaction of the couple after the birth of a child, communication problems, distancing, differences with the families of origin, how to manage household chores, etc.

And from your point of view as a professional, do you think that couple therapy is more satisfactory than sessions with a single patient?

For couples who want to go to couples therapy, what I usually recommend, if despite the difficulties they still want to be together, is that instead of having therapy as a common activity, they reserve that time to have a couple's date, to have fun, to enjoy, to talk. And that is living life from the side of love.

And it is better to do a good personal work, and accept that no matter how good communication is, men and women will always be different. And that one and the other will never fully understand each other. But this, far from being a problem, is a reality, and it can also be enriching.