Goodbye emotional dependence; hello affective autonomy

How to achieve emotional independence or emotional autonomy?

In her book The Art of LovingErich Fromm reflects on the difficulties we encounter in relationships, among other reasons because we do not consider loving as an action (an art, according to him) that requires prior learning.)

We get entangled in tortuous and toxic relationships that end up producing more pain than wellbeing because no one ever taught us how to behave within the couple. How to manage the whirlwind of emotions that our body generates when we fall in love.How to give space to the other person when what we most want is to be by their side 24 hours a day, how to handle the fear of breaking up or cheating... in short, how to love in a healthy way, and not madly as society teaches us we should do.

It only takes a couple of random songs to realize that the messages we receive regarding love are tremendously harmful, and make an apology for dependent, symbiotic and unhealthy love. If we take for example The Police's song "Every Step You Take" and read it instead of singing it, we are likely to be diagnosed with obsessive affective disorder or labeled as stalkers:

Every day, every word you say

Every game you play

Every night you stay

I'll be watching you

Can't you see that you belong to me?

How my poor Heart aches with every step you take?

Emotional dependency and pathological loves

Considering that Hollywood movies, books or TV series also encourage this pathological love, it is normal that we get involved in unhealthy behaviors of attachment and dependency that take away all sense of that take all the sense out of being in a couple. We must aspire to a free love, for our psychological health and that of our partner, and because the only way to be happy is to let go of fear.

Relationships move in the realm of uncertainty, and not accepting or not wanting to see this reality inevitably leads us to fear, suffering and frustration, as we try to control the uncontrollable. If we want to enjoy our loved one in a healthy way, we have to be willing to lose him or her, no matter how much this thought may hurt us.

Affective dependence

Affective dependence is not "excess love" but excess fear.. It is an addiction in which the individual feels literally unable to live without the other (which is also well seen in our society, we have all heard phrases like "you are everything to me", "I don't know what I would do without you", "without you I am nothing...") and has all the components of any other substance addiction: urgency to "consume" our drug linked to love, withdrawal syndrome when we are without it, irritability, compulsiveness, feeling of incomprehension around us, stop doing the things we previously enjoyed to be alone with our "drug".

According to Walter Risothe central scheme of all attachment is emotional immaturity, understood as a "naive and intolerant perspective in the face of certain situations in life, generally uncomfortable or aversive". The most important manifestations of emotional immaturity related to emotional attachment would be low thresholds of suffering, low frustration tolerance and the illusion of permanence, i.e., the inability to imagine the end of the relationship. The emotionally immature person (who may be mature in other areas of his or her life) requires the care of his or her loved one just as a child does from his or her mother. Without their protective figure, they feel lost, frightened and unprotected..

How to learn to love healthily?

The first step is to be aware of loving as a verb and not as a nounas an action and not as a feeling or thought. To love is a behavior that we carry out when we perform actions that have an impact on the well-being of others, when we rejoice in their achievements, when we respect their motivations, when we give them space to grow.

As we tend to be more focused on being loved than on loving, we live pending on our partner's demonstrations of love or lack thereof. This is totally unproductive, as we cannot put ourselves in the other person's shoes and behave in a way that meets our expectations. It is advisable to abandon the receptive orientation and start engaging in proactive behaviors.

Instead of complaining because our partner is not affectionate, we should be the ones to initiate the rapprochement, instead of complaining because he/she is not detail-oriented, we should be the ones to have some detail with him/her. In the end, the best way to start receiving is to start giving..

To begin to heal our relationship we must get rid of the old patterns of pseudo-love that many of us carry with us and that prevent us from enjoying relationships to the fullest. Moving from emotional dependence to affective autonomy.

Reaching affective autonomy

What is sought with affective autonomy is not indifference or coldness, but a healthy, independent, non-possessive and non-addictive way of relating to others. a healthy way of relating in an independent, non-possessive and non-addictive way..

Autonomy promotes anti-attachment schemes and produces healthier ways of relating, as well as greater individual well-being. Autonomous people become more self-confident as they see that they do not need anyone to solve their issues, thus increasing their sense of self-efficacy and therefore their self-esteem. They become more emotionally mature and handle loneliness better, losing their fear of it.

It is worthwhile to learn to enjoy the time we spend alone as much as the time we spend with our partner, and not to remain in a momentary state of loneliness.And not to remain in a mummified state every time we separate from our partner until we see her again. To maintain the life beyond the couple: one's own space, one's friends, hobbies, moments of solitude. In a relationship it is much healthier to miss than to "over miss".

It is not necessary to be weak to be loved. If the partner loves us in a healthy way, he/she will be willing to help us develop an independent personality, which does not mean that we love him/her less, but that we love him/her better. People who have found their vocation and their own way of living life become immune to emotional dependency. The most positive thing is to focus on cultivating and caring for other areas of our lives. The key is always in the balance.