Grief: coping with the loss of a loved one

What is grief and why do we need to go through a coping process when we lose someone?

The grief is a process that takes place after a loss, whether it is of a loved one, a job, a relationship, an object etc. Grief affects psychologically but also affects the it also affects the behavior and the physique of the person who suffers it.. It is a necessary, universal and painful process. The important thing is to integrate it into life and re-establish a relationship with it.

Human beings establish relationships by nature. We are constantly interacting with those around us: we build bonds throughout our existence to satisfy our needs for security and protection as children, to develop our identity as adolescents, and to give and receive love as adults.. This impulse to connect with the outside arises from the moment the baby is born and begins to relate to its mother.

Characteristics of grief

It is a process, it evolves through time and spaceIt is normal (everyone can be the victim of a significant loss), it is dynamic, it depends on social recognition, it is intimate (each person deals with it in a different way) but it is also social as it involves cultural rituals and, finally, it is active, the person will make his or her own decisions and give them meaning. Its function is to elaborate the impact of the loss and adapt to the new situation.

Normal grief

The grieving process is a mechanism for adapting to a loss, it is normalized as its characteristics are present in most bereavements. In normal grief there are about six behaviors that occur normally: somatic or bodily discomfort, preoccupation with the image of the deceased, guilt related to the deceased or to the circumstances of the death, hostile reactions, inability to act normally, and finally, many patients developed some traits of the deceased in their own behavior.

How long does the normal grieving process last?

The duration of bereavement is between two and three years (if it is a significant person), it starts from the moment the person begins to notice the separation and ends when he/she accepts it definitively.

It is also normal that some people affected by a traumatic event may, as a result of their coping, experience positive changes in their lives. There are personality factors that can predict this post-traumatic growth which includes changes in oneself, in interpersonal relationships and in the philosophy or meaning of life. Post-traumatic growth can coexist with suffering. In fact, difficult emotions may be necessary for these changes to occur.

Phases of grief

Normal grief is usually structured in stages that occur successively:

1. emotional denial

It is a way of distancing oneself emotionally from the event, it is the absence of reactions that ends when it occurs, it should last between 2 weeks and 3 months.

2. Protest

It is done with the closest people although the real anger is with the lost person, it is very necessary to express this stage.

3. Sadness

It is where there is more danger of stagnation, there is an isolation from the world, it is necessary to have 3 to 5 relationships with whom to talk about the loss.

4. Intellectual and global acceptance

Begin to accept the fact, it starts with difficulty talking about it and ends with small comments about the loss.

5. Search for the global meaning

It consists of talking about everything that the relationship has implied in the person's life.

6. Elaboration and new attachments

Being able to attach to other relationships without it being a substitution of the lost person.

Abnormal types of grief

Apart from normal grief, there are other more complicated or pathological types of grief:

• Chronic grief → of excessive duration, the person cannot turn the page.
• Delayed grief → the emotional reaction was not sufficient and manifests itself some time later, triggered, for example, by flashbacks.
• Exaggerated grief → symptoms of excessive and disabling intensity.
• Masked grief → the person is unaware of the effects of the loss.
• Disavowed grief → the mourner is not socially recognized and his or her Pain cannot be publicly expressed.

In the latter case, the absence of supportive contact at the time of the traumatic event and in the time thereafter is itself another cumulative loss or trauma.

Coping with grief

In the grieving process there are two types of coping mechanisms: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented..

In order for grief to be adjusted, these two mechanisms should occur in an oscillatory fashion, although as the process progresses over time, the restoration-oriented mechanisms predominate.

The emotional needs of people who have suffered a loss

Bereaved persons have certain needs that must be met in order to successfully overcome the loss.

• They need to be heard and believed in their whole story of loss.
• They need to be protected and to have permission to express emotions.
• They need to be validated in the way they cope with grief (to know that what is happening to them is natural, it is well done and it is not bad to feel this way).
• They need to be in a supportive relationship from reciprocity (that the other person understands them thanks to a similar experience or that the other person "knows" what the affected person is talking about).
• They need to define themselves in their individual and unique way of and unique way of experiencing grief (that other people support their way of coping).
• They need to feel that their bereavement experience has an impact on other people (that their grief or their explanation of what they are grieving will make an impact on others).
• They need to be in a relationship where the other person takes the initiative as they are not able to, for example, start talking about it.
• And finally, they need to be able to express love and vulnerability in front of others. in front of other people.

Elaboration of special types of losses

There are certain ways of dying and certain circumstances that require special treatments that go beyond the usual processes. We review them below.

Suicide

Those affected are left not only with a sense of loss, but also with a legacy of shame. are left not only with a sense of loss, but also with a legacy of shame, fear, rejection, anger and guilt.. It is possible that a suicide bereavement may be more intense and last longer than bereavement due to another type of loss.

The most prominent feeling is shame, which affects both individually and the family unit, and guilt, family members take responsibility for the action of the deceased and have the feeling that they could have done something to prevent the death or, conversely, guilt is manifested by blaming others for the death.

Sudden death

They occur without warning. In this type of death the loss is perceived as if it were not real, the mind does not assimilate such an abrupt change. Therefore, a specific treatment is necessary to help to accept it.

Perinatal death

In this case it is necessary to give importance to the bereavement of the deceased baby because, if it is underestimated, it can incite the parents to produce another pregnancy that would only serve as a substitution for the previous one and later problems could arise.

Induced abortion

It is usually a masked grief that manifests itself through other events or factsAs it is a provoked loss, it is not usually talked about and is intended to be quickly forgotten; however, a woman who does not elaborate this loss well may see later losses intensified.

Anticipatory grief

In anticipatory grief the death is known in advance so that the process or emotional responses begin before the loss is realized.. Prolonged grief can produce resentment and, in turn, lead to guilt. Anticipatory grief need not shorten or reduce the intensity of the grieving process following the death.

AIDS

Because of the stigma of AIDS, it is really difficult to find social support for this bereavement There is a fear of rejection or of being judged if the cause of death is discovered. Because of these fears, it is likely to cause isolation towards the patient. An affective way of coping with this type of grief is the support of social groups that are in the same situation.

Conclusions

In summary, grief is a process with which everyone can be affected or involved at some point in life.. It is a difficult but resolvable process in which the support of others is very necessary to overcome it. In grief it is not necessary to have a psychologist present to help us cope with it, but sometimes the service that a psychologist can offer us is of great help.

There are many types of grief and many ways of coping with it but they all have some common bases or principles that will help us to identify it.

Grief is a serious process that can cause many problems if it is not treated properly, so it is vital to know about it. it is of vital importance to know about it and to be prepared to offer help to the victims, both from a professional and from a both from a professional point of view as well as from a closer view such as helping a family member or friend to cope with it.

Bibliographical references:

• AMELA, Víctor-M. "Qui se suïcida no veu cap altra sortida, no té elecció", La Vanguardia, 25-26 December 2012, p. 56 (back cover).
• CONANGLA, Maria Mercè. Lexicon and affections, Abandono. CONANGLA, Maria Mercè. Emotional crises. Barcelona: RBA bolsillo, 2007, p. 189-190.
• NEIMEYER, Robert A. Learning from loss. Barcelona: bolsillo paidós, 2007. ISBN 8449311799.
• NOMEN MARTÍN, Leila. El duelo y la muerte. El tratamiento de la pérdida. Madrid: Pirámide, 2007. ISBN 9788436821420.
• PAYÁS PUIGARNAU, Alba. The tasks of grief. Psicoterapia de duelo desde un modelo integrativo-relacional. Madrid: Paidós, 2010. ISBN 9788449324239.
• WORDEN, William J. The treatment of grief: psychological counseling and therapy. Barcelona: Paidós, 2004.ISBN 9788449316562.