Grooming: a new danger for teenagers on the Internet

Adults pretending to be young people and gaining the trust of minors through the network.

A few weeks ago, the movie "You can trust me" (Trust" ("Trust"). was televised a few weeks ago.)

This interesting film faithfully describes a case of Grooming. This relatively new phenomenon, Grooming, refers to the deception and sexual harassment of minors on the Internet by adults. The film reflects how what a family has built up over the years is destroyed in an instant by a stranger. The online stranger gains the trust of a 14-year-old girl, Annie, by pretending to be a 16-year-old teenager and taking advantage of the girl's age-related insecurities.

Grooming: a new danger for teens (Spoiler warning).

Warning, if anyone wishes to see the movie do not continue reading because to address the issue of Grooming. I will use several elements of the film's plot to facilitate the understanding of the phenomenon.. Sexual abuse of minors is an issue of concern to society as a whole, a problem that, although it is quite frequent, is often covered by clichés and stereotypes that contribute to making it even more invisible. When we talk about child sexual abuse, the collective imagination erroneously reminds us that abuse implies the use of force and physical violence. And this is not always the case.

The film reminds us, quite rightly, that when we refer to sexual abuse against minors, there does not necessarily have to be a previous aggression, since the adult can employ mechanisms of emotional manipulation, deception and blackmail.. These mechanisms cover the intentionality of the adult, clearly sexual and illegitimate. With this type of maneuvers, the aggressor manages to gain the child's trust and affection: "He is interested in me", "He loves me". This can lead to the relationship becoming physical, resulting in sexual aggression.

Adults who manipulate and gain the trust of children

The unknown adult, called "Charlie" in the film, has woven a web of manipulations for more than two months to gain the trust of the minor, in order to prepare the ground for the sexual assault.The unknown adult, called "Charlie" in the film, has woven a web of manipulations for more than two months to gain the child's trust in order to prepare the ground and perpetrate the abuse. "He has been preparing her for this moment". With these words the FBI agent responds to Annie's father (Clive Owen) when he asks the angry agent "Did my daughter resist?" "Did she ask for help?". A father who represents public opinion, given that he is totally convinced that abuse must involve physical violence, and does not understand how his intelligent 14-year-old daughter has put herself in this situation, deceived and manipulated by Charlie.

We observe the same in the three families who lend themselves to an experiment by the youtuber Coby Persinto demonstrate the risk of minors to be victims of this type of sexual criminals. The parents of the children are fully confident that their daughters (aged 12 to 14) will not agree to open the door at night or get into the vehicle of an unknown "teenager".

How can we as parents prevent our child from becoming a victim of grooming?

It is clear that the key is to prevent grooming.The best advice is to be cautious, explaining the risks that exist on the network and informing about the security measures available, insisting that they should not meet strangers, even if our young people believe that they are not strangers or strangers because they have chatted for a few days. One of the best indications is to be cautious, to distrust the good words of strangers and to apply common sense.

Common sense and critical thinking

But we can only make adolescents and pre-adolescents aware of this type of cases by encouraging them to develop critical thinkingjust as it happened to us when we stopped believing 100% of what we saw on TV. We must get them to question the age, personality and intentions of unknown people who contact them through the Internet. We must warn our children that it is neither right nor acceptable for a stranger to ask them to meet secretly, and that such a date can have terrible consequences.

We must also tell them that, if they finally decide to meet this person, they must always be accompanied by another person who can help them, they should always be accompanied by another person who can help them in case something strange happens.. And a long list of recommendations that have already been indicated by police and educational institutions and that we must remember to make our children aware of the potential dangers they may run if they are too gullible.

What makes minors feel attached to their potential abuser?

But let's continue analyzing the film: What makes Annie, when she discovers that Charlie has lied about his age, forgive him and continue to be exposed to a risky situation? The answer is a combination of three factors: trust, insecurity and age difference. Therefore, we are talking about emotional and cognitive competencies that give the adult an advantage over the child.

There is an asymmetry between the two and there is an abuse of power.. The trust, which Charlie has earned by giving her all the attention by chat and telephone, and Annie's insecurity, very typical of the puberty stage, are the elements that facilitate contact and "friendship" between them. Annie wants to fit in, to be liked and makes her efforts in high school. And Charlie ends up overshadowing all her attention by taking an interest in everything that affects the girl, giving a false image of himself that she fantasizes about and hiding that his interest in her is only sexual.

A key moment in the film is when the two meet and she weeps when she learns she cries when she learns that he had deceived her by telling her his age.. At this point, Charlie accuses her and holds her responsible for the lie, reproaching her for not telling him her real age because he knew she would react immaturely. Thus, the adult uses a perverse psychological manipulation that prevents Annie from recognizing her assertive rights, such as the right to get angry and leave, to say no, etc. . And as if that were not enough, he again shifts the blame onto her, pretending that they have "something special" and adopting paternalistic attitudes to get her to accede to their demands.

Another key: improving trust between parents and children.

The social peer group (classmates and friends, for example) plays an important role in the development of children's identity and self-esteem, and it is difficult to influence this. But precisely because of this decisive influence, we must be attentive and receptive and try to reinforce and positively influence our children, encouraging communication with them.

Some generic recommendations are the following:

• Reinforce their assertiveness Let them decide on certain aspects of their daily life.
• Encourage social relationships among their peers.. Let them go to friends' parties, come home to sleep over, etc.
• Talk about sexuality with them.. We must engage in serious and cordial communication with children on this topic, not only in terms of protection and contraceptives, which is the most basic, but also assertive rights (to decide, to change their mind, not to allow someone to do something they do not want, etc.).
• If your child wants to share with you about something that has happened to him or her with friends or at school, stop what you are doing and take an interest in him or her.
• Control the use of cell phones, especially in family contexts. The film clearly shows how Annie spends the day in front of the computer and the phone: this behavior should not be allowed as parents. Take an interest in what you observe that makes her smile or bothers her, even if it is something she does not want to share, show interest.
• If you see your son or daughter worried about his or her image, try not to trivialize it, positively reinforce his or her physical appearance and take an interest in his or her tastes.

Practical guides to improve our parenting skills

There are many guides in Psychology and Mind on tips for parents. Consult them, and do not forget that although it may seem a remote risk, we all have a computer with an Internet connection. I share with you right here below one that I think is essential:

• "Rebellious teens: 6 tips for struggling parents."