Hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: what to do to manage it?

Tips and key ideas to overcome the conflicts that sometimes arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

When we mention the word "mother-in-law", many negative stereotypes come to mind. We imagine an old lady, specifically, a hag who feels a great need to interfere in the affairs of her son and his partner.

It is true that this stereotypical image is not always true but, let's be honest, the relationship between most daughters-in-law and their mothers-in-law is not usually that of a deep friendship. It is not surprising since these are two women who are not friends or Blood relatives, but people who have in common that they love the same man.

Although it is a long time since the times when our husband's mother could compete in a broom-flying contest, nowadays there are many cases of deep friendship between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law. hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Below we will discover the reasons for this so common rifirrafe and we will see a couple of tips to defuse the situation.

Hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law: where can it come from?

Many times, when we hear the word "mother-in-law" we cannot avoid imagining a stereotypical vision of a female figure already in her years. Although we may have had one in our lives, the media, our relatives and popular culture itself have instilled in us an image of the mother-in-law as a woman in her old age. have instilled in us an image of the mother-in-law as an unpleasant person.. We may imagine her to be the typical neighborhood slut or a well-dressed and somewhat posh lady, but regardless of her appearance, we imagine the mother-in-law as someone who, if we have one, will have no qualms about telling us how badly we are doing.

Although there are many jokes about mothers-in-law and they are often the butt of jokes, it must be said that the idea we have of them is just that, an idea. We are aware that not all of them are like that and that what we have been sold as authentic witches are nothing more than clichés and stereotypes like the ones we have of any individual. However, despite knowing all this, there are more than a few women who, upon meeting their boyfriend's or husband's mother, discover someone who, more than a support, becomes an obstacle.

While the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not a generalized thingWhile the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not generalized, and the relationship between them is generally more or less pleasant, it is true to say that the relationship between them is not as deep as that of a friendship. According to research conducted by Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist specializing in family dynamics and relationships, about 60% of women see their partner's mother as a hostile figure, difficult to relate to. On the other hand, 55% of mothers-in-law feel uncomfortable with their child's partner.

Of course, the statistics confirm that the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is difficult, tense and may even come to blows. However, these statistics simply confirm that there is a bad relationship, but not why. It is ironic that two people who want the best for the one they love, the child-spouse, can come to hate each other so much. What makes this happen?

Why do they get along so badly?

While not all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law naturally have a bad relationship, it is true that their interactions can be some of the most tense in the world.. Despite sharing the desire for the best for the same man, the son of the mother-in-law and the boyfriend or husband of the daughter-in-law, this nexus of love for this person can become the reason for the most bitter hatred between these two women. When explaining why this happens, it is necessary to clarify that here we are going to talk about heterosexual relationships and the women involved. Talking about the relationship between father-in-law and son-in-law is different, although it also tends to be somewhat tense.

The main reason for disagreements between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law is how the mother-in-law, that woman who has been taking care of her son for more than 20 years, whom she still sees as her little man, is going to be replaced by another younger woman. She feels displaced, often unable to avoid the feeling that her "useful life" is over, that she is just an old woman who must make way for another woman who will be able to compensate for her son. This is something that, despite being a part of life, tends not to be very well accepted at first.

Related to this very reason, the mother-in-law cannot help but try to reintroduce herself into the life of her child and her partner. She needs to see how things are being done, whether the woman who has entered her son's life is up to the task.. This is where the snooping behavior begins, the meddling and the checking to see how well and, more importantly, how poorly this girl he doesn't trust at all is doing. This in itself should not necessarily be a source of conflict, since if the daughter-in-law did everything right or did not give it any importance, she would end up seeing the concern of her partner's mother as something logical.

The problem is that in most cases this does not happen. Both women interpret the presence of the other as an invasion of their territory. an invasion of their territory. On the one hand we have the mother, who sees in the daughter-in-law a woman who is displacing her, her substitute, or someone who is going to take away her beloved son. On the other side we have the couple who see in their mother-in-law an unpleasant meddler rather than simply a concerned woman, a nuisance who has come here to hinder the relationship, to sabotage their happiness and that of their child.

These thoughts, which in most cases are unfounded and a product of the bad idea we have of mothers-in-law in our culture, is a very bad start. Both become tense, ready to attack, ready for whatever the other party says. A simple comment about whether the dishes are not quite clean or that one cooks one way better than the other can be interpreted as the most profound of offenses. We should not think that this is part of the "female mentality" or anything like that.The culture and the situation in itself awakens this type of behavior in these two people.

Another reason for this tension is the mother-in-law's idea of who her future daughter-in-law was going to be. Every parent who loves her son wants him to come out with the best. On more than one occasion mothers imagine the perfect woman, the one they really want for their son (which is not the one who can make their son happy). When they meet their offspring's new partner and see how she doesn't meet their expectations, they can't help but be disappointed and even exaggerate her flaws or try to change her. Trying to "improve" your son's girlfriend is perceived as a personal attack by both girlfriend and son.

Sooner or later, however, he will have to come to terms with the fact that his son is dating this woman, no matter how far from his expectations of the perfect woman she may be. Once they are already dating or, even, having married and had children, there are other reasons why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can get worse, there are other reasons why the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can get worse if it is very unfortunate that they have not moved closer together.. Among these causes we can find:

• Interference that affects the independence of the marriage.
• Interference in the upbringing of the children, to say openly that you do not raise your grandchildren well.
• Wanting to participate in the financial affairs.
• Maintaining a dependent relationship with the child, even if already married.
• Not being objective about the child's mistakes or difficulties that affect the couple.
• Not feeling sufficiently valued (both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law).

How harmful is a very bad relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

As we mentioned, a strained relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not uncommon, nor is it necessarily a bad thing. It is normal for two people who are neither friends nor blood relatives to feel uncomfortable having to share the life of someone they love, their partner and child.their partner and child. However, if the relationship is very bad, both the marriage and the husband's family relationships will suffer.

Both parties, the couple, represented in the figure of the bride or wife, and the family, represented by the mother, will reproach him for not having taken a stand.

Although son-spouse, partner and mother form a triangular structure, many more people may be involved in the conflict, children are especially vulnerable if there are any. They will find themselves in the dilemma of giving support to their mother or to their paternal grandmother, a situation that no child should have to face.This is a situation in which no child should be involved. Children are children and need solid support figures, the more the better. Making them pick and choose and reducing their family circle means depriving them of the experiences and love of people who love them, hurting both them and those same people.

However right the daughter-in-law may be in some respects, the fact that she has pitted her husband against his own mother will make him feel frustrated with his marriage, which he will see as separate from the woman who brought him into the world and raised him. As for his mother, if she is making him distance himself from his partner, he will see in her a woman who does not let him breathe, who clips his wings of independence and who, rather than wanting him to be happy, what she does is only think of herself in her almost pathological fear of losing him.

Be that as it may, everyone's mental health is cracking, and really the only person who has a little room to maneuver is the partner.. She is the one who decides whether she prefers to continue living in a bad relationship with her partner's mother or, if not, she flees. After all, a couple is the decision of two people and, seeing that the man will hardly get rid of an overprotective mother, it is only a matter of time before the woman decides to leave. The mother, as a rule, will try to stay on top of her son. She will rarely stop talking to him because he is dating that woman, although she will report him to do so.

What can be done in the face of this conflict?

The first thing we want to emphasize about the hatred between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is that, in case it has reached such an extreme, should go to a professional, specifically to a psychologist who specializes in family dynamics and offers family therapy. and who offers family therapy. The situation is serious and expert help is needed before it gets worse and a marriage breaks up because both daughter-in-law and mother-in-law have not wanted to put an end to their disagreements and think about the welfare of the person they supposedly love.

However, in case such an extreme has not yet been reached, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law can follow a series of tips that will prevent this unpleasant situation from occurring.

What to do as a daughter-in-law

As a daughter-in-law, the first thing to do is to practice empathy with our boyfriend's mother, especially if we want to have children or already have them. In general, mothers tend to be fearful that something bad might happen to their sons and that they might leave their side. The feelings of many elderly people have to do with fears of being alone, longing for the past and jealousy.. Far from criticizing her desire to spend time with her son, we must accept her with open arms, showing her that she has our support.

Another fundamental aspect is, clearly, to avoid conflicts produced by a simple fight of egos. Our mother-in-law may make somewhat acid comments about what we do, but far from seeing her as a busybody and critic, we should value her experience, which she undoubtedly has, since she has known how to raise and move a family forward. Many times these are lessons that can be useful to us.

Naturally, we cannot avoid comparing our relationship with our parents with the one our man has with his mother. It may even seem childish at first, that this woman treats her son as if he were still a child. This does not have to be a negative thing, since in each family the way in which in every family the way in which love is shown is different. and, therefore, comparisons cannot be made under the same criteria. This is why we should avoid comparing ourselves, since we will see more bad things than good things.

It is also very important to understand that the tone and vocabulary with which things are said can be interpreted in many ways. It is possible that there are attitudes of our mother-in-law that bother us but, even so, we cannot answer her with disrespect nor with a mocking tone. There may even be a moment when the situation becomes tense. If so, the best thing to do it is best to wait for the air to calm down and talk about it more calmly, commenting that we appreciate your comments.We appreciate her remarks but we are also free to make our own decisions as adults.

What to do as a mother-in-law

It is essential that if we are the mother-in-law, we understand that our son has grown up.. As much as it pains us, he is no longer 10 years old, but a full-fledged adult who is free to make his own decisions. Unless the woman he is dating is very unpleasant, we should not interfere in his love life. If he is happy with her, we should be happy for him.

If they already have children, we can offer our daughter-in-law our experience as we are mothers and have raised children. We must understand that these are recommendations, not impositions. Our daughter-in-law will see in these proposals something applicable or not based on her own criteria, which may be worse or better but, at the end of the day, we may also have erred in the past, and yet our son has reached adulthood. There is no perfect and infallible educational method, what matters is that it helps to create responsible and functional adults.

It is also very important to understand that our daughter-in-law is a person of flesh and blood, not the perfect and idealized idea we once had of her.. Perfection does not exist in the mortal world and, as long as she gives happiness to our son, our daughter-in-law is the closest thing to that perfection. True, she will have her faults, but we cannot expect her to change if we pressure her or remind her of what we see wrong with her. We can recommend her to do a couple of things to improve, but always with respect and tolerance.