Having compassion for oneself: how to achieve it?

Self-compassion can be a fundamental factor in becoming resilient and moving forward.

Traditionally, the term "self-compassion" has been accompanied by a certain shade of condescension or even vulnerability, which positioned it as an undesirable attitude in the process of facing any adversity or setback.

However, in recent years a new current of thought has emerged that has rescued the fact of having compassion towards oneself as a fortunate and desirable attribute, dispossessing it of its negative connotation.

Currently, self-compassion is understood as a concept linked to emotional intelligence.through which one assumes a privileged position over the value judgments that each one of us constructs with respect to how we think, feel and act.

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In this article we will discuss in detail the concept of self-compassion, and the benefits (in general) that can be derived from its practice in daily life.

Having compassion for oneself: self-compassion

Self-compassion is a complex concept that has been of interest in the field of psychology for decades, when Jon Kabat-Zinn, a psychologist, first introduced the concept of self-compassion to the world of psychology.It is a complex concept that has attracted interest in the field of psychology for decades, when Jon Kabat-Zinn adapted Mindfulness to the relief of patients experiencing chronic pain. Shortly thereafter, self-compassion was integrated into the Heart of this existential philosophy and became a subject of scientific study, especially since the early years of the current century.

High self-compassion can be described, in simple terms, as the decision to have compassion for oneself. In this regard, the literature on this topic has identified three key factors: kindness, fallibility and mindfulness. We now proceed to address them in detail.

1. Kindness

The society in which we live tends to value positively the fact of being kind to others.. This includes a series of social norms of courtesy or politeness, whereby we act in a prosocial manner during interaction with others, encouraging us to lend our help to those who may be in need. This attitude is rewarded in the form of recognition or admiration, and is considered an appropriate example of what should be done (for children and adults).

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However, the same is not true when kindness should be directed at ourselves. When we make a mistake we tend to act in a self-punitive and cruel way, dedicating bitter words to ourselves that favor an internal discourse that drags us into intense and difficult emotional experiences. It is important to remember that everything we can feel is preceded by a thought, so that in it lies the germ of both emotion and behavior.

This way of treating ourselves unfolds, in many occasions, with total independence of the particularities of the triggering situation. Even if the misfortune is due to bad luck or the role of third parties, we continue to plague ourselves with destructive terms for which we often lack evidence. Phrases such as "I'm useless" or "I'm good for nothing" are a good example of this..

Most people who engage in this pernicious habit admit that they would never say these words to a friend if they were in an equivalent situation, and that they would try to be more understanding and help them to reinterpret the facts so that they would be less cruel. This would be the most socially accepted attitude, but it is very rarely observed when such words are addressed to one's own adversity.

Kindness consists of projecting the same affection and understanding that we dedicate to others towards ourselves, so that we can treat ourselves as if we were the best of our friends. This requires a reformulation of the dynamics of thought, to change harmful words to different terms, which can have deep ties with positive affections that allow us to live better and more satisfied lives.

2. Fallibility

Fallibility is the ability to recognize oneself as a being that can make mistakes, fail and/or be susceptible to failure.susceptible to failures and/or incorrect decisions, or that in general is simply imperfect. It is about accepting that, at times, the expectations one has set for life may not be fulfilled (for different reasons). This would prevent the irruption of the "shoulds", very rigid thoughts about how things should be.

We live under the pressure of multiple stimuli that remind us of how imperfect we are, but force us to rebel against it. When we flip through a magazine or watch television, we witness perfect bodies and successful lives. This savage exposure, planned for purely commercial purposes, can translate into comparative judgments in which we usually have everything to lose.

At the worst of extremes, this can lead us to consider that our problems are truly unique, and that no one else makes the mistakes that we unfortunately fall into. Even social networks, in which their users tend to capture the best that happens to them (ignoring the unpleasant moments that are also part of life), contribute to the formation of this negative image of our own imperfection.

The truth, however, is that imperfection is a common element in everyone. From the most popular singer to the most successful actor, we all go through gray moments that can last for long periods of time. That is why the fact of being imperfect is an inherent human quality, which gives a peculiar value to the individuality of each one of us.

3. Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the third element of self-compassion, being a literal translation of Mindfulness, which refers to a practice of mindfulness.which refers to a meditative practice whose roots go back to ancient monastic traditions of Buddhism. It is a series of habits that are based on the contemplative life, but which add an active component to the experience of being deliberately present in the moment in which one lives.

Mindfulness implies a concrete way of facing the facts that suppresses the judgment about them, because this often takes us away from how they really are. It supposes a new look, of apprentice, in which for a moment the automatisms of the mind are abandoned to deepen in that which surrounds us, fully perceiving what things are by stripping us of any attempt to label or classify them.

Likewise, the purpose of mindfulness is to focus attention on what is in the present, ignoring past influences and future expectations. It implies assuming a witness mind that observes the internal processes, diluting the association that links us to thought and makes us identify with it. This is: a philosophy of life in which we abandon the tendency to believe that we are "the thought", to adopt the role of a being "that thinks", but that is much more than that.but which is much more than that.

This concept is aimed at questioning the validity of self-punitive thoughts, observing them with a certain distance so as not to allow ourselves to be swept away by the emotional current in which they tend to trap us. This disposition, together with the patient practice of kindness and the integration of imperfection as a reality inherent to all human beings, constitutes the key to a compassionate way of interacting with ourselves.

Beneficial effects of having compassion for oneself

There is a great deal of interest in the scientific literature to determine, describe, measure and quantify the benefits associated with self-compassion in terms of quality of life and reduction of distress. For this reason, recent years have witnessed a growing number of studies aimed at exploring these phenomena, which have spread to many domains of human knowledge: psychology, medicine, education, etc.

There are programs aimed at stimulating self-compassion, which have been subjected to analysis to determine their effects. In this sense, some recent meta-analyses indicate that those who decide to embark on this therapeutic process improve their ability to discriminate the pain that emerges as a result of their negative thoughts, recognizing the way in which the absence of compassion affects their emotional life.

This recognition mobilizes a series of changes in the perception we have not only about the human being in general, but also about the individual in particular, in relation to imperfection. This type of practice involves conceiving a kinder view of ourselves, which facilitates the processing of emotional experience and reduces the risk of suffering affective problems of clinical significance. This effect has been reproduced in people vulnerable to psychopathology.

Self-compassion also has a positive effect on health-related quality of life, a concept that encompasses the overall well-being of the individual in terms of how he or she perceives the functioning of his or her body and mind, both of which are integrated into a social and cultural space that is unique to him or her.

In short, a compassionate attitude allows us to be fairer with who we are, with our imperfections and with our limitations.. It also provides us with a more adjusted vision of our emotional reality, being able to be aware of it without being overwhelmed by its intensity, and allows us to use a kinder language when we address ourselves. All this results in an increase in self-esteem and a reduction in the risk of suffering psychological disorders.

Coming to embrace self-compassion as one's own requires overcoming initial resistance, along with a conscious and deliberate practice of the three principles outlined here.

Bibliographical references:

• Arimitsu, K. (2016). The effects of a program to enhance self-compassion in Japanese individuals: A randomized controlled pilot study. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 11(6), 559-571.
• Richardson, D., Jaber, S., Chan, S., Jesse, M.T., Kaur, H., & Sangha, R. (2016). Self-Compassion and Empathy: Impact on Burnout and Secondary Traumatic Stress in Medical Training. Open Journal of Epidemiology, 6, 167-172.