How do I improve my self-esteem?

A powerful idea can help us protect our self-esteem and not be unfair to ourselves.

Self-esteem has always been considered a crucial element for our emotional health; according to Maslow, a large number of people who do not develop a good level of self-esteem will not be able to achieve self-fulfillment (Santrock, 2002).

On the other hand, self-esteem is built from an early age and can govern our healthy growth, as well as the relationships we develop with our families, friends, partners and other people.

If something is so important for our life and psychological balance, it would be good to know what we are referring to when we mention it. Self-esteem is the consideration that people have about themselves (Rice, 2000; cited in Naranjo, 2007). It is also the capacity of people to establish their own identity and attribute value to themselves (Güell and Muñoz, 2000; taken from naranjo, 2007). It has to do with our ability to think and face the basic challenges of life (shibutani, 1971; taken from Gonzales-Arratia, 1996).

Thus, self-esteem is that way of looking at ourselves, of valuing ourselves and of loving ourselvesand this is the product of an evaluation and comparison of our qualities with those of other people. That is to say, the better valuation we have of our personal attributes (to be intelligent, kind, good person or skillful in mathematics) the higher will be our self-esteem, and the worse this valuation is, the lower it will be.

The problem of self-esteem

When we do exercises to improve our self-esteem, we almost always find ourselves listing positive and negative attributesWe are not only a person's personal value and esteem based on our virtues (being intelligent, good looking, good people, etc.).

The big problem is that the valuation of these virtues is always in comparison with those of others.For example, I am intelligent because I find myself solving problems that others cannot, or getting higher grades than the average of my class. Now, by evaluating myself as "intelligent" I am resting my consideration, value and esteem on that attribute, because it is what defines me; so, I am valuable because I am intelligent.

On the other hand, if my value as a person is based on my intelligence, and my valuation of "being intelligent" rests on my comparison with others, when one or more people "smarter" than me appear, when my grade on an exam is not high enough, or when I fail to achieve a goal, my personal esteem will be seriously affected.

I am no longer as intelligent = I am no longer as valuable.

And we can see this pattern repeating itself with many aspects of our being (London, 1993).

So what do I do?

The first thing to do is to start looking inward and question the way we value ourselves; let's stop defining ourselves by the way we value ourselves (London, 1993).Let's stop defining ourselves through absolute adjectives such as we are good people, smart, handsome or competent. On the contrary, let's start separating ourselves from our actions; I can make a mistake or do something wrong and that does not make me a bad person, I can make a mistake and that does not make me a fool.

Albert Ellis (creator of Rational Emotive-Behavioral Therapy) worked in a sustained manner with a concept that is opposed to the paradigm of self-esteem based on achievements and comparisonsThis is unconditional self-acceptance, and it can be summed up in a phrase with incredible power: "I am a valuable being simply because I am alive".

Let's look at it this way. If my self-esteem is based, for example, on my intelligence, every time I fail intellectually or someone more skilled than me appears, my personal value will be affected; moreover, I will constantly be feeling pressure not to fail, since I will be risking my self-esteem every minute with my performance.

On the contrary, if I accept myself unconditionally, I will not have that extra pressure or self-obligation not to fail, I will be less likely to make mistakes (since my burden has been lightened), and if I mess up, I will be disappointed with my performance, but I will not feel less, nor will my value or love for myself diminish.

In conclusion, the key to improving our "self-esteem" lies in not defining ourselves by our past actions, that our value as persons does not depend on them; it is better to recognize that our worth lies in being alive and, and, by appreciating our existence, a world of possibilities opens up where we can decide what we want and give our best effort without the need of and give our best effort without the need to gamble with our self-esteem.

The road to accepting ourselves unconditionally is progressive, it is a daily work of looking at ourselves with a lot of curiosity, kindness and tolerance.. If you have problems to walk this path, you over-criticize yourself, you are not able to accept yourself and/or you have conflicts related to your personal esteem, I invite you to contact me or another mental health professional.