How to cope psychologically with widowhood?

Tips and key ideas on how to manage the emotions produced by widowhood.

Grieving the death of a spouse is a complex process, experienced in a unique way by the widow or widower. Some overcome this stage relatively quickly, within a few months after the death, while others may take up to 5 years to recover.

Each person needs his or her own time, his or her own return to normality. It is not possible to force things, but it is possible to learn to live this new stage by accepting what has happened and understanding that the departed person will be part of us as long as we remember them.

In the following we are going to see tips on how to deal with widowhood and what risks there are in this stage that can provoke a pathological mourning.

Coping with widowhood: keys to managing emotions and grief

The definitive loss of a spouse or partner involves a specific and complex type of grief. Dealing with widowhood is a difficult process since this phenomenon involves a major change in our expectations and lifestyle. involves a major change in our expectations and lifestyle.. Whether we like it or not, when we live as a couple we always think in terms of two. With the death of our spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend that suddenly ends. We find ourselves in a strange loneliness, a feeling we have not felt for many years.

In all bereavements, it is not only the loss itself that counts, but also the circumstances in which it occurs. It is not the same to face widowhood at the age of 30 because our husband has died in an accident as it is to face it at the age of 70 after having been by our husband's side after several years suffering from a hard and debilitating illness. In the first case, becoming a widower is something totally sudden, not at all expected, while in the other case the widow has had enough time to prepare for the final moment.

The type of relationship that existed between the two also plays a role. More complicated relationships tend to result in more complex mourning.. The reason for this is that, although both loved each other, the conflicts, tensions and arguments between the couple may have left many open wounds and issues to be dealt with, and when one of them dies, the widower finds himself or herself in a situation full of unresolved questions.

The best way to deal with widowhood is to try to accept the facts, without getting caught up in going back again and again to the past to change what can no longer be changed. It is one thing to feel nostalgia for the good times we had with that person, but it is quite another to take refuge in the past.and not being able to live in the present. It is necessary to value the past, but living in the present and understanding that it is best to give time to mourning.

What a widower usually experiences after losing his or her partner is a deep feeling of bewilderment and uncertainty, accompanied by denial, confusion and disbelief. When you lose someone you lived with on a daily basis, a companion who was by your side every day, it feels like part of you dies with him or her.

When you have been living with someone for years thinking in terms of two, the moment that person leaves, the efforts are doubled. We have to relearn things, even the smallest things, such as sleeping without another person next to us, making family decisions without the support or advice of our better half, or even learning to manage feelings on our own.

It is common that one does not know who one is after having lived through the death of one's partner.. This is not surprising, since the dynamic of mutual interdependence that has been built up over years of living as a couple has just suddenly disappeared and, regardless of whether it was an expected death or not. Accepting independence from oneself is no easy task. Although no longer alive, the presence of the departed person is everywhere, something that generates nostalgia, uneasiness and anguish.

Psychological risk factors in widowhood.

Each person is different, evidenced in their behavior, beliefs and opinions. This is also evident in the way they handle the death of their partner. Each person can experience the grief associated with widowhood in a very different way, with some people being at greater risk of falling into pathological grief. There are a number of characteristics that make some people especially vulnerable in this situation, factors that intensify feelings of helplessness, despair and loneliness, making it more difficult to overcome the loss.

1. Little support from the family

The family can be considered a protective factor in the face of pathological grief.Therefore, its absence can be considered just the opposite, that is, a risk factor. The absence of a supportive family network increases the feeling of isolation and despair.

Submissive relationship with the spouse.

In couples with a relationship of submission of a spouse with the other (habitually the woman towards the man), when the one who exercised the dominant power dies the other person regains an independence that he/she does not know how to manage. Finding oneself in a situation of individuality can generate fears, feelings of inadequacy and a sense of abandonment.

3. Ambivalent relationship with the spouse

In ambivalent relationships, the departure of one of the spouses means not being able to resolve issues that were left open, pending discussion and reflection. This makes the widow or widower think about all the things he or she would have liked to have said or done to the person who has left, and that now he or she does not have the opportunity to do so.and that now he/she does not have the opportunity to solve.

4. Financial problems

If the person who has just been widowed has economic problems, such as debts or unresolved financial problems, he or she will tend to feel more strongly the loss of his or her partner.

At the end of the day, having a partner is not only a sentimental support, but also a material and economic one.The deceased may be working or receiving a pension. When he/she dies, this flow of money ceases to be received (with some exceptions) and if there are economic problems in the family nucleus, his/her absence is even more noticeable. c

5. Introversion

People who are introverted, shy and who do not have many friends, have more problems expressing their emotions and managing grief. to express their emotions and to manage their grief because they are not able to express their feelings to acquaintances and friends.

Naturally, not all introverted people will suffer from pathological grief, but introversion can be considered a risk factor when going through this period.

6. Having young children

If the couple still had children in full upbringing, facing widowhood is more difficult. It is difficult to explain to a small child why his father or mother is not going to return.especially if the widower has not yet managed to properly manage this tragic event.

What to do in widowhood?

As we pointed out, each person experiences grief at the death of his or her spouse in his or her own way. This makes us recognize that there is no perfect and ideal formula to face widowhood, but there are a series of ideal recommendations to facilitate the mourning process, all of them based on the idea that we must accept what has happened, understanding that the deceased is no longer by our side but that we will take him or her with us everywhere as long as we remember him or her.

We must remember our loved one and the experiences we had with that person, but not thinking about what could have been. not thinking about what could have been but was not.. Hypotheses about something that could have been and was not do not lead to anything constructive in this case. It will not be a quick process that will be overcome overnight: The death of a loved one as important as our husband or wife was brings with it a long time with feelings of grief, emotions that arise from the void left by the person who was in our lives every day.

We should not pathologize this, since it is totally normal and adaptive to feel very sad in the face of such a loss.. It is essential for our mental health to accept the fact that we are suffering, but also to prevent this Pain from preventing us from taking care of ourselves. We must eat well, try to play sports, stay active, get enough sleep and, above all, connect with our friends and family. Only by connecting with others and trying to activate ourselves will we be able to overcome the death of our loved one.

It is also a good idea to attend support groups for widowers and visit a psychologist to better manage grief. We should not pathologize grief, thinking that it is something that, if experienced, is synonymous with depression. but it is advisable to do everything possible to prevent it from becoming a depressive condition. It is better to be safe than sorry, and there is nothing wrong with visiting a psychologist to learn how to cope with widowhood, especially if the death of our spouse has occurred suddenly and when he/she was relatively young.

And, very importantly, let the wounds heal over time. It is not good to make important short-term decisions right after the loss of a spouse.. We will still be adjusting to the new situation and anything that requires deep reflection should be discarded for the time being because we are not really in a position or thinking clearly. Grief needs time, and time is what we should give it.