How to cope with over-absorbent parents in adulthood

Tips to follow if you are an adult who feels discomfort with overprotective parents.

With each stage of life comes new roles, new habits and new ways of interacting with the environment and with others. It is a process of adaptation and self-improvement that we face whether we want to or not, by the simple fact of growing up.

But parents do not always adapt to the pace of development of their children, something that is not surprising if we take into account that the first contact with their little ones occurs when the latter are totally dependent and in a relatively short time they go from needing help for everything to being adults.

One of the problems that can arise when parents do not manage to assume that their children have grown up is the tendency to be very "absorbent" and overprotective of their adult sons and daughters.. In this article we will see some tips on what to do in these cases.

Problems that arise when parents are overprotective of adults

These are the main signs of discomfort that appear in cases in which parents behave in an overprotective and absorbing way with their sons and daughters who are already of adult age or begin to enter this phase of life.

Lack of privacy

Privacy is a need that bursts strongly into our lives as early as puberty and, logically, continues more than ever during adulthood.. Therefore, the mere physical presence of parents can generate discomfort in certain contexts, something facilitated by cases in which many hours a day are spent close to them (something frequent in adults who are forced to continue living with their parents because of their economic inability to emancipate themselves, which is common in Spain, unfortunately).

There should not be many problems if the material living conditions are decent and the parents know how to respect the private space of their son or daughter, but this is not always the case.

2. Feelings of shame

Shame is another psychological factor to take into account: people who see their parents trying to be in every aspect of their lives may see this as a wearing phenomenon. may see this as a dignity-sapping phenomenon. (or even, sometimes, as an attack on it), because there is an incongruence between the role of the adult and the treatment received. Therefore, they may try to avoid interactions with their parents when they are in the company of their friends or partner, which is a source of stress in certain situations.

These feelings of embarrassment may even have the long-term effect of causing self-esteem problems.This happens when the son or daughter comes to believe that he or she really needs the help of his or her parents, despite the fact that at his or her age he or she should already be independent.

3. Conflicts when making decisions

Along the same lines as above, many parents take for granted that they should be advising and guiding their children's decision making indefinitely. This gives rise to paradoxical situations: Adults who try to lecture other adults on subjects on which they objectively know less than the person they are talking to..

Of course, in most of the occasions they do not do it with malice, but at the same time they feel frustration when they perceive that their "little one" does not obey reasons, because they have very assumed that their duty is to advise at all times and that the simple fact of having lived more gives authority on almost any subject.

Advice for fathers and mothers who are too invasive and absorbent in adulthood

If you are an adult who feels discomfort because of your parents' absorbing, overprotective or even seemingly intrusive attitude, follow these guidelines.

1. Practice assertiveness

Just because your parent has gotten used to treating you this way over the years is no excuse for not talking about it if it makes you feel bad.On the contrary, it reveals that you have to "open that melon" as soon as possible, because if not, it will continue to become entrenched in your relationship. Showing disagreement or discomfort with the way you are treated is not a bad thing, since if you approach the subject in a way that makes it clear that you are looking for agreements and not simply accusing or making them feel bad, it is implicit that you believe the other person is capable of modifying their behavior.

Therefore, be assertive: do not leave anything important out, but express it without making it sound like an attack. The important thing is not that what you say does not bother (this is not something you can totally control) but that the possible discomfort it may cause is not interpreted as an attack or an intentional lack of respect.

2. Get used to detecting the threshold of anger.

All the moments in which you feel that the way your parents behave with you are likely to be discussed with respect and looking for solutions, as we have already seen. However, it is important to learn to listen to it is important to learn to listen to oneself regarding one's emotions and, at times when you feel that the way your parents behave towards you and, at times when we notice that we are very angry, it is best to stop arguing and let some time pass before continuing to talk about the aspect on which you must reach an agreement. However, be careful not to turn these "breaks" to calm down into excuses not to bring up the subject again.

3. If you see that they feel very bad, express gratitude.

Your asking them for space may be seen as an undervaluation of the work they have done in raising you.. Make it clear that this is not the issue, and that you are grateful for the sacrifices they have made, to a greater or lesser extent, to help you become the adult you are.

4. Agree on some basic rules so that they respect your space.

Establishing these rules will allow you to establish objective criteria to know if and to what extent progress is being made in your relationship.and to what extent. For example: "when I work from home, do not enter my studio during working hours". The more specific these rules are in terms of time and space references of what not to do, the better, but do not fill them with unnecessary details or exceptions or everything will be too complicated. But make sure there are no more than three or four at a time or it will be unbearable to adapt to all these changes in such a short time and you will end up getting frustrated and throwing in the towel.

5. If you continue to have problems, go to family therapy.

Sometimes, the only effective measure is to address the issue through the form of psychological intervention designed to overcome these kinds of relational problems: family therapy. It is based on weekly sessions in which not only an honest and professionally mediated communication channel is opened, but also exercises are proposed to apply new ways to manage emotions, to express oneself to others and to facilitate that they also express themselves in the right way, from a constructive mentality and in which discussing is not the same as fighting.

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you are considering going to see a psychologist to overcome some aspect of your life that you notice is giving you problems, whether it has to do with your management of emotions or with your habits and personal relationships, contact me, get in touch with me.

I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, as well as Director of the Psychological Consulting Center CECOPS, and I work with young adults, couples and families. Puedes contar con mi apoyo profesional tanto en sesiones presenciales (en mi consulta de Madrid) como a través de sesiones online por videollamada. En esta página encontrarás mis datos de contacto.

Referencias bibliográficas:

• Aquilino, W.S.; Supple, K. (1991). Parent-child relations and parents’ satisfaction with living arrangements when adult children live at home. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53: pp. 13 - 27.
• Hutchinson, J.W. & Stafford, E.M. (2005). Changing parental opinions about teen privacy through education. Pediatrics, 116(4): pp. 966 - 971.
• Institute of Medicine; National Research Council. Improving the Health, Safety, and Well-Being of Young Adults: Workshop Summary. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2013 Sep 27. E, Background Paper: Parenting During the Transitions to Adulthood.
• Raup, J.L. & Myers, J.E. (1989). The Empty Nest Syndrome: Myth or Reality?. Journal of Counseling & Development, 68(2): pp. 180 - 183.
• Thapa, D.K. (2018). Migration of adult children and mental health of older parents 'left behind': An integrative review. PLOS ONE, 13(10): e0205665.
• Whiteman, S.D.; McHale, S.M.; Crouter, A.C. (2012). Family Relationships From Adolescence to Early Adulthood: Changes in the Family System Following Firstborns’ Leaving Home. Journal of Adolescent Research, 21(2): pp. 461 - 474.