How to cope with unchosen loneliness? 6 practical tips

Guidelines to manage the feeling of unchosen loneliness using new ways of relating.

Loneliness is one of the most common forms of discomfort, and in certain sectors of the population, such as the elderly, it has become a widespread epidemic. That is why this is one of the most frequent reasons for consultation among those who come to psychotherapy.

If unchosen loneliness is a problem that affects you significantly in your day-to-day life, read on.Here you will find tips on how to combat it and have a rich and satisfying social life.

What do we mean by loneliness in psychology?

The term "loneliness" is very used in popular language, and that is why it is often used in very lax ways.without being very clear about the limits of the concept to which it refers.

That is why, in the field of psychology, when we talk about loneliness we refer in most cases to something more precise: a set of mental states and habits and behavioral patterns that feed a sense of discomfort related to the lack of a meaningful connection with other people.

Thus, here we will we will talk about a loneliness of a more emotional nature, i.e., one that has less to do with the number of people with whom someone has neutral or positive (pleasant) interactions. (pleasant) interactions on a daily basis, but rather with the quality of these relationships, the degree of well-being and the affective and/or intellectual stimulation they generate.

Among the elements that make up the degree to which a person feels lonely, the following can be highlightedThe following are among the elements that make up the degree to which a person feels lonely:

• How the people around you fit with your self-concept and sense of identity.
• The tastes, hobbies and values you have in common with those people.
• The time available to relate to those people in the desired way, without rushing or other tasks to be done.
• The frequency of those encounters.
• The degree to which the person feels he/she can express him/herself freely in the company of these people.
• The ability to meet those people face-to-face (not just through a screen).
• The ability to feel supported by those people, in a relationship with a future and in which there is a degree of commitment.
• The degree to which those relationships are part of the project of giving meaning to one's life.

In short, in psychology, loneliness is not synonymous with social isolationAmong other things, because there are those who enjoy spending a lot of time in social isolation and the activities they can do on their own eclipse any outbreak of feelings of loneliness, and on the other hand, because the concept of social isolation does not include as many nuances as those we have just seen.

What is unchosen loneliness?

When loneliness is very intense, it produces a significant discomfort that in many occasions must be intervened from psychotherapy. However, loneliness is not always loneliness, loneliness is not always unchosen loneliness..

For example, there are people who choose to get involved in projects or lifestyles that favor the appearance of loneliness, but which in turn provide other incentives and sources of satisfaction that make these individuals capable of experiencing happiness. It happens with some of the people who start a very difficult university career, or who, because of the work they enjoy, must be constantly traveling (remember that feeling lonely does not imply never meeting new people or not having frequent conversations).

However, in practice this balance is precarious, in practice this balance is precarious and difficult to maintain while taking care of one's own mental health.As time goes by, this way of experiencing day-to-day life "burns a lot" and most of the time there comes a point where it does not pay off and unchosen loneliness appears. The latter is precisely what the name suggests: a life experience in which the person is unable to establish meaningful connections with other individuals capable of becoming important in his or her life.

Thus, there are three main types of unchosen loneliness:

• Caused by a lack of social interactions in private life.
• Caused by constant exposure to unsatisfactory social interactions in private life.
• Caused by an inability to have a private life (due to lack of time or material resources, being a pubic figure, etc.).

How to cope with and overcome unchosen loneliness?

These are some of the key ideas to keep in mind to leave behind this type of discomfort.

1. Make a list of between six and eight causes that you think are behind your loneliness.

Try to do it thinking in the present and avoid detecting possible causes that occurred many years ago or even go back to your childhood.

You don't have to do it in one sitting. If you want, take a small notebook with you and write down ideas over one or two days. Then, order these causes from most important to least important, thinking only of your case.

2. Divide the causes into two categories: internal factors and external factors.

It is not the same to notice that our shyness makes it difficult for us to make new friends, as it is to notice that it is difficult for us to make new friends because work takes up all our time. In one case we are talking about psychological factors that we can explain by analyzing the way you behave in almost all contexts of your life, and in the other, it is a circumstantial aspect closely related to your lifestyle, your socioeconomic situation, etc. Appreciating these differences will help you to fine-tune your approach when proposing solutions.

So, divide the elements of your list into two columns, and make each of them keep the order of importance of each of these causes. of each of these causes.

3. Select at least one cause from each of the two categories and think of solutions.

Ideally, you should do this by proposing solutions to the most important causes, but you must be realistic and some of them may seem impossible to solve on your own.But you must be realistic and some of them may seem impossible to solve on your own. If so, instead of proposing solutions to one of the important ones, propose them for two of the less important ones.

4. Set goals for the next four weeks

The challenge of achieving these goals must have a clear start and a clear end.and this journey should include several sub-goals along the way, so that you don't leave everything to the last minute. In addition, the goals to be achieved should consist of actions you will take, not the reaction of the people you will interact with, as you cannot control the latter.

For example, don't consider being accepted by a group that interests you, consider establishing a channel of communication with these people, make them see your interest in them, and test the waters to see if they suit you or fit with you.

5. Strengthen your communication skills and exposure to people who are compatible with you.

This includes a wide variety of actions and strategies, so we can't list them all.We cannot list them all and many of them you may not use because you don't need to. However, by way of small tips, keep these ideas in mind:

• Take advantage of the potential of the Internet to find people with your hobbies, but invest more time in those relationships that you can move to the non-virtual realm.
• Don't assume that others must like you to get their attention and gain acceptance; by showing self-judgment and critical thinking you can make others want to like you.
• If you are afraid of meeting new people, lose it gradually, without exposing yourself too much from the first moment, but progressing in a clear way.
• If you have never organized your time for the whole week, doing so will surely give you more hours to dedicate to your social life.

6. If you notice that you are having a hard time, go to psychotherapy.

You don't need to have a psychological disorder to go to therapy.The problems by solitude are part of the problems treated in a more habitual way in the consultation of a psychologist or a psychologist.

Do you want to have professional psychological assistance and support?

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At Psicoconsulting we work with individuals through individualized psychotherapy and couple therapy and with companies through different modes of intervention in the field of HR and group training. Our services can be provided in person or through online format by video call.