How to forgive oneself? 4 psychological keys

Several tips on how to progress in the process of forgiving oneself.

Some people find it easy to forgive those who have hurt them but, ironically, they are incredibly critical of themselves. They are unable to forgive themselves for small mistakes, which they deeply regret and which cause them great discomfort.

Guilt is a human feeling of great social importance since it allows us to assimilate the ethical and moral code as we grow up, seeing what is right and what is wrong. However, if we are not able to recover after committing a fault, we have a problem.

In this article we are going to look at how to forgive oneselfIn this article we are going to see how to forgive ourselves, understanding the function of guilt, the phases of forgiveness and the things we can do to achieve self-forgiveness.

How to forgive yourself? Psychological keys

Forgiving oneself is fundamental to enjoy good mental health and inner peace.. It is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves, since it is a source of emotional stability, although, of course, it is not an easy task.

It requires having well-developed aspects such as humility, patience and self-esteem, aspects that are closely related to the personality that act as protection against psychopathology.

Nobody is perfect. We have all at some point made mistakes, faults that echo inside our mind, martyring ourselves about the damage we have done to ourselves.We all have made mistakes, faults that echo inside our mind, tormenting ourselves about the damage we have done. This, in a certain way, is normal, given that among the gifts available to human beings, besides intelligence, is a good memory, a capacity that sometimes works against us. This memory, combined with a tendency to be a bit of a freak, likes to remind us over and over again of something bad that we find it hard to forgive ourselves.

Is it bad to feel guilty?

The feeling of guilt is a fundamental mechanism in our learning process. It is thanks to this emotion that our conscience is being formed, establishing limits on whether our motivationsIt is thanks to this emotion that our conscience is formed, establishing limits on whether our motivations and behaviors are appropriate or not.

According to Erik Erikson, healthy guilt is a feeling that develops around the age of three, acquiring a very important role in our ability to relate to others, acquire socially appropriate behavior and internalize social norms.

When this emotion is not adequately developed, problems arise in the internalization of the ethical and moral code, given the relational difficulties that arise.The absence of healthy guilt is one of the most important factors in the development of a healthy guilt. The absence of healthy guilt is one of the main characteristics of psychopaths. Nor should we go to the other extreme. Feeling guilty for everything and everyone is a pathological behavior, a symptom of a serious personality problem, various frustrations and urgent psychological intervention.

What should be clear to us is that feeling guilty is usually a good indicator that we have acted wrongly, or at least, it gives us the feeling that we have transgressed ethical and moral norms in some way.

It means that we are aware that we must have done something wrong and, feeling guilty, we move to make amends for our mistakes.. We may try to make things right by apologizing or taking other actions to reduce discomfort and remorse.

The problem is when guilt invades us in an extreme way. We feel guilty for things that are already part of the past, letting it haunt us over and over again and entering an infinite loop. It is this vicious circle that does not allow us to live our lives to the fullest, trapping us in the past and not allowing us to progress.trapping us in the past and not allowing us to progress.

What does it mean to forgive oneself?

It should be very clear that forgiving oneself is not synonymous with justifying inappropriate behavior, nor is it to stop feeling remorse. Forgiving oneself implies, in the first place, recognizing the negative emotions that a mistake committed in the past produces in us and, even so, deciding that they lose force in our present.

Forgiveness is not a sudden process. It requires a whole progress, especially if the act to forgive is complex. It is quite likely that it will take us some years to completely heal the wounds we consider serious. At other times, either because of the characteristics of the act to forgive itself or because of how we are in terms of personality, our ability to forgive ourselves will be easier.

It is very important that, in order to forgive ourselves, we change our perspective on the situation we have experienced.. We must give ourselves permission to move forward and overcome what happened, living in the present, trying to reach full peace and opening ourselves to a future without pain. It also means overcoming resistance to change, something that is never easy.

• You may be interested in "Having compassion for oneself: how to achieve it?"

The phases of self-forgiveness

Forgiving ourselves is a complicated process, often more difficult than forgiving others. This process involves the following phases.

1. Acknowledging the truth

The first thing to do is to acknowledge the truth. It is necessary to be honest with ourselves and, in case it is true that we have done something wrong, not to deceive ourselves. We will not be able to forgive something if we do not know what is to be forgiven..

2. Assume what happened

Every action has a reaction. Our wrong deeds carry negative consequences, which are the real deeds we regret. That bad thing we did has ended up becoming that which our conscience cannot get rid of..... To assume responsibility for what happened is a brave thing to do and we must face what it entails.

3. Contact with our emotions

We must get in touch with the deepest emotions that motivated the behavior we now regret. To find out which emotions influenced how we behaved, it is essential to look back and ask ourselves questions like these:

• Were we angry and said something mean to our parents?
• Were we tired and didn't feel like cleaning the house?
• Were we sad and trashed the fridge?

It is normal that the actions we regret afterwards have been marked by a high emotional component, mostly of a negative type. We behave in a way that, when we are emotionally stable, we do not..

4. Allowing ourselves to feel

We are imperfect beings. Sometimes we are happy and sometimes we are sad, which influences the way we behave. It is this emotionality that endows us with the most important characteristic of our existence, our humanity.

Acceptance of our imperfection, that we can feel a wide repertoire of emotions and that we will not always behave in the best way is a key aspect of being able to forgive ourselves. Self-criticism must give way to compassion for ourselves..

What can we do?

There are several strategies available to us to forgive ourselves. All of them can help us to speed up the process of self-forgiveness.

1. Apologize

It stands to reason that, to forgive ourselves, it is necessary to apologize to the person we hurt, if that is the case.. Apologies must be deep and heartfelt. They should also be without expectations: if we apologize and the other person still feels hurt, it is normal that he/she still does not dare to give us his/her forgiveness.

Everyone can live the situation and progress at his or her own pace, and we must accept this. Whether it takes a long time or a short time to forgive us, the act itself will help us to accelerate our healing process and, surely, that of the other person as well.

2. Talking about it

Sharing the experience is fundamental to be aware of what happened and to relativize it.. Talking about it allows us to discuss it with people we preferably trust.

We can tell it to a friend who transmits confidence and compassion and, perhaps, tell us that he also lived through a similar situation and how he overcame it.

3. Go to therapy

Another option, highly recommended, is to go to therapy and talk to a psychologist.. This professional will address what we are unable to forgive from a more neutral and impartial perspective, in addition to selecting the most appropriate clinical strategies for the specific situation and treat it.

4. Write a letter of apology

A very useful strategy is to write a letter of apology, especially if what we feel bad about is something we feel cannot be fixed. This is especially advisable for cases in which we cannot talk to the person we feel we hurt, such as a deceased family member.such as a deceased family member or someone with whom we have broken off all communication.

For example, it is possible that, before our mother died, we had a fight with her. Not having apologized to her in life makes us feel bad and we are not able to forgive ourselves. We cannot talk to her, but we can write the letter and ask for forgiveness, making peace in a symbolic way.

This technique is not only useful with the dead and people with whom we will not be able to talk anymore. It can also be done with someone with whom we can easily engage in conversation. The idea would be the same, only that we will have the option to decide whether or not to give the letter to the person we consider that we have defrauded.

Final Reflection

As with forgiveness in general, forgiving oneself is not a simple process. It is a long road in which we are going to have our ups and downsIt is a long road in which we will have our ups and downs, with a marked emotional charge but, if done well, it will help us to leave the Pain behind.

By forgiving ourselves, we free ourselves from the heavy chains of the past and make our present and future lighter, happier and more enjoyable, because that is what life is all about: enjoying it.

Accepting that we did something wrong, consciously or unconsciously at the time, is a healthy, mature and responsible action. People, unless we have a problem, do not behave in a harmful way towards others just because: there is always a reason, either because of a negative emotion or because we did not know how to behave better.

It is by discovering what it is that we did wrong that makes us grow and avoid making the same mistake in the future.. Forgiving ourselves is the step that will lead us to good mental health and inner peace.

Bibliographical references:

• Allemand, M., Amberg, I., Zimprich, D. & Fincham, F.D. (2007). The Role of Trait Forgiveness and Relationship Satisfaction. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 26, No. 2, 2007, pp. 199 - 217.
• Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P. (2015). Forgiveness therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope.
• Finkel, E.J., Rusbult, C. E., Kumashiro, M., & Hannon, P. E. (2002). Dealing with betrayal in close relationships: Does commitment promote forgiveness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82(6): pp. 956 - 974
• Hall, J., & Fincham, F. D. (2005). Self-Forgiveness: the Stepchild of Forgiveness Research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 24, No. 5, 2005, pp. 621 - 637.