How to know if there is emotional dependence in a couple’s relationship

Knowing how to detect situations in which a person is emotionally dependent on his or her partner is basic.

It is clear that having a partner is one of the experiences that change our lives, something that changes our way of seeing things.

Perhaps that is why, if we do not pay attention, it can happen that certain dynamics of the relationship become harmful and we do not realize it until we have been suffering the consequences for some time. Something that would have been relatively easy to see observing from the outside, becomes almost invisible when we are inside, involved in that courtship or marriage.

So... how do we know if there is emotional dependence in a relationship? In the end, this is one of the most serious problems that an affective relationship can go through, among other things because it leads us to fall into the same mistakes over and over again and makes something that hurts us to be seen as something normal, or even romantic.

In this article we will see several keys to detect this type of problems that arise when there is an asymmetry of power in the relationship.

How to know if there is emotional dependence in the couple

The theory says that any loving relationship should be between equals. That, even if each individual has his or her tastes, preferences and abilities, there should not be a situation in which one of the people is always "in tow" of the other. However, there are some factors that complicate putting this basic rule into practice, and that is why it is relatively common to see dysfunctional couples due to emotional dependence.

The first factor is the idea of romantic love, based on the metaphor of the "better halfThe first factor is the idea of romantic love, based on the metaphor of the better half, according to which we literally need to be with a specific person. The logical conclusion this leads to is that, when we are in a relationship with someone and therefore believe we have found our other half, we make all kinds of sacrifices to minimize the chances of that love story ending. And we do it in an uncritical way, because in this context, suffering is something practically heroic, because we do it for the good of both.

On the other hand, something that also biases our way of analyzing the quality of our relationships is the time we have dedicated to it. Often, the more we have sacrificed in the past to be with someone, the more we tend to justify the failures of that relationship, since facing the existence of those dysfunctions in a totally objective way can be very uncomfortable. of that relationship, since facing the existence of those dysfunctionalities in a totally objective way can be very uncomfortable. This does not mean that being married to someone for many years makes it impossible for us to break off the relationship, but it is a factor that leads us to prolong the discomfort if we do not try to "compensate" it through other psychological strategies.

And, of course, the first step to prevent emotional dependence in the couple's relationship from damaging us is to know how to recognize this problem. For this reason, below we will see different warning signs that help us to realize the asymmetrical nature of a love relationship.

These are signs that we have described from the point of view of the dependent person, who is the one who suffers the most. Just because it is important for the injured party to realize what is happening does not mean that everything that has been going on is his or her fault.

1. The possibility of disappointing the other person scares us a lot.

It is normal to show attention and interest in what our partner thinks about us, and it is also normal to have certain fears and slight insecurities about the impression we are giving when we live with him/her. But that's one thing, and it's quite another to spend a good part of the time on alert for in a state of alert in case something that we could do could make our partner sad or angry..

The presence of this constant concern for not disappointing the other denotes that we give absolute credibility to their judgment to the detriment of our own. We are all human and can make mistakes, including our partner.

2. We try not to give reasons to be jealous.

Jealousy of low intensity and frequency is relatively common in well-functioning couples, since it hardly affects the behavior of the people involved. in well-functioning couples, since it hardly affects the behavior of the people involved. What is not so normal and unhealthy is to limit our lifestyle for fear that our partner will become jealous, something that usually means reducing or eliminating our social life outside of dating or marriage.

If there are clear criteria to establish that someone has broken certain commitments on which the relationship is based, that is the responsibility of the one who is unfaithful. But if it is simply jealousy, that is the problem of the one who experiences it first hand. This simple idea is understood and assumed by those who are immersed in healthy relationships.

3. It is normalized that sometimes people want to give "lessons" to the other person.

Another sign of relationships in which there is emotional dependence is that it is seen as normal to seek to punish the other person it is seen as normal to seek to punish the other person when it is considered that he/she has done something wrong..

In well-functioning relationships, the starting idea is that since there is a relationship between equals, no one should take on the role of teacher in moral issues; if some behavior has not been to one's liking, one talks about it by communicating it in an assertive and direct manner.

4. There is economic dependence on the part of one of the two, and it is assumed as normal.

Emotional dependence does not arise in the abstract; it is always conditioned by material and objective factors. One of the most frequent is, for example, if the emotionally dependent person has very limited economic resources and the other does not.

This is because the person who suffers from economic vulnerability is likely to have problems when it comes to imagining realistic options for living autonomously.without depending on anyone. In this sense, if the other person provides material stability, probably all the future plans of the victim of dependency involve imagining him/herself next to that person. Thus, in cases where there are asymmetries in the relationship, the fact that one of the two people does not have the resources to live on their own is not even seen as a problem.

5. Self-esteem only improves when the other person says or does something.

Those who have good self-esteem are able to reinforce it through different ways. However, in emotionally dependent relationships, one's self-worth is determined by how the person with whom we have created a love bond behaves towards us.

What to do?

If you suspect that you are in a relationship in which there is emotional dependence, the most important thing is to be aware that this is a problem that deserves to be addressed with professional help.

In Cribecca Psychology have a team of expert psychologists in couples therapy with extensive experience in providing psychological assistance to courtships and marriages in crisis because of this dynamic. You will find us at Avenida de la Innovación, Sevilla, and through our contact details.

Bibliographical references:

• Cabello, F.; Cabello, M. & del Río Olovera, F. (2018). Advances in Clinical Sexology.
• Morgan, J.P. (1991). What is codependency? Journal of Clinical Psychology 47(5): 720 - 729.