How to resolve a conflict between children: 9 guidelines to follow

Several tips to help children stop arguing and resolve their conflicts.

Childhood is a vital stage where it is frequent that conflicts appear between equals, either between siblings, cousins, classmates, friends, etc. But... how to solve a conflict between children?

Sometimes, as parents or professionals, we can feel a bit lost or overwhelmed in this kind of situations. How can we help them to solve their conflict and to learn from this exercise? In this article we offer you 9 guidelines to manage this type of situations.

The conflicts in the infancy

It is totally normal that the children present conflicts between them during this vital stage that is the infancy.. Conflicts, disputes or arguments are frequent at this age and are also necessary for the child's personality and self-determination to be built little by little.

The fact that everyone has their own desires, needs and ideas makes this type of situation probable. Beyond these situations, the important thing will be that they themselves (with adult support, when necessary) learn to manage, tolerate and face this type of solutions.

They must understand that from the diversity of opinions and desires many disputes are born, and that the importance of approaching positions, listening and empathizing, are key elements to solve this type of conflicts.

Through conflicts, children can learn new ways of interacting, of getting to know the other and themselves, of listening, of empathizing, of listening, of empathizing with others.Each conflict will be an opportunity for them to grow and evolve.

In addition, this type of situation opens the door to work with them on different types of values related to understanding, education and socialization. On the other hand, they also allow us to work on behavioral disorders, mental rigidity, assertiveness, difficulties in expressing desires and needs, etc. However, in order to be able to work on all these aspects, it is important that we first learn how to resolve a conflict between children.

How to help resolve a conflict between children

How to resolve a conflict between children? Here we will see several guidelines to do so.

These are strategies, techniques and psychoeducational tools that can be applied by adults to promote conflict resolution, but that children can finally integrate and apply autonomously in their daily lives, once they have been taught and have been able to put it into practice..

That is to say, here the adult figure will be more of a model/mentor and accompaniment, but the work will have to be done by the children. Logically, depending on the age of the children (and their level of maturity) we can adapt these guidelines to one methodology or another.

1. Identify the problem

What has happened? It is important that they themselves can verbalize what has happened, and can agree on their version of the facts..

If this cannot be achieved, at least let them each explain what they think happened, how they felt, etc. Identifying the underlying problem is the first key to resolving a conflict between children.

2. Offer a space for them to express themselves

In line with the above, another key idea on how to resolve a conflict between children is to offer a space for emotional expression. That is, we must give them enough space to express how they felt at the time of the conflict and how they are feeling at this moment.

How has the other person made them feel, do they think they have acted well, and have they themselves acted well? Here it will also be important that the other child listens to him/her. (listen to each other without interrupting).

3. Encourage mutual understanding

It is important that in addition to listening to each other, the children can practice empathy and come to understand each other. If a priori they cannot understand each other, at least they should try.

To this end, the adult can intervene by the adult can intervene by offering explanations as to why each one of them has acted in this or that way.. If there is no absolute understanding of each other's behavior, at least there should be respect between them.

4. To look for joint solutions

Another key idea on how to resolve a conflict between children is to help them look for joint solutions. In other words, each one can contribute possible solutions to the conflict, but it would be interesting would also be for them to come up with a joint solution (e.g., through brainstorming). (e.g. through brainstorming).

Here the adult can also intervene and accompany. It will also be a good moment to "take the iron out" of the matter (if it has not been a serious conflict) and to bring positions closer together, to relativize, etc.

6. Teach them to manage emotions

Emotional education is a key factor that will allow us to help our children (and our students, relatives, patients, etc.) in their emotional management. Emotions, and especially intense emotions (such as rage, anger, etc.) can lead us to commit impulsive actions that are not very wise or that cause harm to others.

That is why we must practice by example and show them alternative ways of acting (avoiding hitting, yelling, self-injury, etc.). (avoiding hitting, yelling, self-injury...). Alternative behaviors could be: thinking before speaking or yelling and hitting, speaking calmly, breathing before acting, putting oneself in the other person's place, keeping calm, etc.

7. Encourage negotiation

Another key point that will allow us to work on how to resolve a conflict between children is to encourage negotiation between them. It would be a similar point to that of looking for joint solutions, although not the same.

Here it is a matter of encouraging a kind of "deal" that includes understanding what has happened and a guideline for how to act from now on.For example, sharing turns to watch TV, not disturbing the other when he/she is quiet, listening to him/her before speaking, etc.

In this sense, we must convey to them the importance of being flexible and open with the other, and how good they can feel by reaching an agreement that they will then have to respect.

8. Apologize if necessary

It is very good that children can reach agreements, negotiate, listen to each other... But sometimes, when one of the two has acted badly (or more than one), it is important that he/she can apologize and ask for forgiveness if necessary, it is important that he/she is able to apologize and be aware of the seriousness and/or consequences of his/her actions..

That is why we must convey the importance of forgiveness and repentance, and that they can verbalize this forgiveness. The objective is that they express it sincerely, not "because we are forcing them". "To err is human, but to rectify is wise."

9. Follow up on the situation.

It may be that the situation has consisted of a one-time conflict, or it may also be recurring conflicts between the same children. It is important to detect these types of dynamics if they exist, and to act accordingly.

In this way, monitoring the situation will become another key factor on how to resolve a conflict between children, in this case, focused on preventing possible conflicts or arguments.In this case, focused on preventing possible conflicts or arguments.

We can do this in different ways (depending also on whether we act as teachers, educators, therapists, parents...), but the important thing will be to observe and take note of the relationship between these people.

Bibliographical references:

• Alzate, R. (2005). Coexistence programs in the educational environment: Global approach to conflict transformation and school mediation. La mediación, una visión plural: 1-18.
• Cohen, S. & Coronel, C. (2009). Contributions of social skills theory to the understanding of violent behavior in children and adolescents. I International Congress on Research and Professional Practice in Psychology. XVI Research Conference Fifth Meeting of Researchers in Psychology of MERCOSUR. Faculty of Psychology - University of Buenos Aires, Buenos Aires.
• Sampascual, G. (2007). Psicología de la Educación. 2 Volumes. UNED. Madrid.